Haunted House Owners Cover Up Man’s Death By Disguising Him As Prop

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MARIETTA, Georgia –

A couple who run a haunted house in Marietta, Georgia are under arrest today after reportedly trying to hide the death of one of their customers.

Geoff March, 67, had apparently visited the haunted house 2 weeks ago by himself, when he suffered a major heart attack. The couple, Marlene and Joseph Rogers, allegedly dressed March in tattered clothes, and made him up to look like a zombie.

“It’s one of the most disturbing, odd crimes I’ve ever seen,” said Marietta police chief Joe Goldsmith. “They were not at fault. It was an accident. Mr. March had a history of heart problems, and he was scared to death. It’s tragic, but it wasn’t a crime.”

According to Goldsmith, the Rogers couple assumed they would be held liable, and didn’t want to face charges.

“We had no idea he had previous heart problems,” said Joseph Rogers. “We thought we literally scared this man to death, and it was our fault. I panicked, and I talked Marlene into helping me dress him up like a zombie. None of our other patrons over the last couple weeks even noticed.”

Chief Goldsmith says that the couple were found out when March’s body began to smell badly, and customers complained.

“One of our deputies happened to go through the house on his night off, and he smelled death,” said Goldsmith. “When he confronted the Rogers, they burst into tears. They were taken into custody late last night.”

The Rogers are charged with concealing a deceased individual, a class C-felony. They face up to 2 years in prison.

‘Back To The Future 4’ Announced As Part Of ‘Back To The Future Day’ 2015

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

October 21, 2015 is being celebrated as Back to the Future Day, as it marks the time in the second film where Marty and Doc travel to ‘the future’ to save Marty’s children. The day is being marked with celebration from fans all over the world, with many companies getting in on the fun. Lyft is offering rides in DeLorean cars, Pepsi released the Pepsi Perfect product seen in the film, and more.

For years, though super-fans of the Back to the Future films have hoped and prayed for the continuing adventures of Marty and Doc as they travel through time. October 21st seems to be the right day for the announcement, as Universal Studios, the company behind the film, released a statement acknowledging that they had begun pre-production on a fourth Back to the Future film.

“Back to the Future is one of the most beloved series of all time,” said Universal Studios president Biff Tannen. “Although Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd are not able to star in the upcoming film, we have decided to move on with the series, and create a new story based on these characters and adventures.”

Tannen says that the film will not be a remake, but a direct sequel, although they will not be casting new actors to play the original parts, either.

“We want to continue the story in a way that feels organic. Marty and Doc both have children by now, and the logical step seems to be to pair these kids up for a time-traveling adventure,” said Tannen. “In the new film, we are leaning towards them traveling through time in a refrigerator. There will still be hoverboards, and there will still be a DeLorean and Einstein the dog. Doc and Marty will make appearances, I’m sure.”

The film is set to go into production in July of 2018 with a scheduled release date of October 21, 2020.

Samsung Plans To Finally Purchase Rival Apple; Cost $180B

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

Samsung, the leading manufacturer for smartphones in the U.S., has reportedly placed a bid to purchase Apple, Inc., their main competitor in the tablet and cell phone market.

“It is true we’ve discussed buy-out options with Apple board members and some major shareholders,” said Boo-Keun Yoon, CEO of Samsung. “At this time, the talks are just that, and no actual considerations have been made.”

Samsung and Apple have had a tense relationship over the years, as each company has taken the other to court over numerous patent infringements. At the same time, Samsung had, until recently, been making many of the internal components for some of Apple’s biggest product lines, including hard drives for the Apple Macbooks, and screens and other internal hardware in iPads and iPods.

Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, says that a buy-out from their main competitor could be a major boost to the company.

“Financially speaking, we don’t need their money,” said Cook. “But from a design and innovation standpoint, any influx of ideas would be great for us. Since we stole the idea for the tablet and created the iPad all those years ago, we’ve yet to introduce anything of major substance. Our product lines are stagnant, and there hasn’t been a significant design change to our flagship product, the iPhone, for years. Samsung’s design team would be a big help in innovating our product lines.”

Samsung products, which run almost exclusively on the Android operating system, have recently surpassed sales of the Apple iPhone, making them the number-one smartphone manufacturer in the world.

“With our great lineup of tablets and phones, which can be purchased at a fraction of the cost of the iPhone, we have no idea why anyone would continue to choose Apple. Apparently, the market finally agrees with us,” said Yoon. “Yes, if you want a computer, the Apple lineup is the only way to go. But when it comes to phones and tablets, our products can do everything that the Apple products can – but faster, better, and with more customization and app options. If we are able to purchase Apple, and that’s a big if at this point, then we will use our knowledge of the marketplace, and explain to them what people really want out of their devices.”

The proposed buyout would cost Samsung a reported $180 billion dollars in cash and stock options.

Tumblr Announces Intentions To Delete Accounts Of Feminists, Feminist Supporters

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Tumblr, the world’s 4th most popular social media website, is a place where users can repost other people’s pictures and gif images over and over again, while never actually creating any original content. Designed initially as a new style of blog or journal, Tumblr has lately become a haven for the feminist movement, wherein “every single bitch out there thinks she matters.”

“It’s too true, and it’s too sad,” said Tumblr founder Tom Tumble. “I just wanted people to share some funny pictures and write journal entries. Kind of like Livejournal, except relevant. Instead, all I get are nasty, bitchy feminists making posts about how ‘every man is a rapist’ and using stupid, made-up, asshole words like ‘manspreading’ and ‘mansplaining.’ It’s disheartening.”

Tumble says that he has decided to delete accounts of “known feminists,” and also to warn those who use any hashtag related to the movement of feminism.

“I am not against women being empowered. Many of the people on staff at Tumblr are bright, intelligent women,” said Tumble. “Feminism is something that was needed when women couldn’t vote, or couldn’t marry another woman, or couldn’t marry a man because he was black. All those things, all those rights, are here now. Women should fight for what they want, but what these women on Tumblr want, apparently, is to just be flaming twats.”

Several major feminist users on Tumblr were reached out to for comment, but most of them said they were too busy shopping for thick-rimmed glasses or shaving one side of their head to talk. All of them also said that, as a man, I should stop raping them with my emails.

‘Ultra Absorbent’ Tampons Blamed For 43 Deaths In California

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

In a climate that is often very dry and barren, many women do not get enough fluids on a regular basis. This in itself can be hazardous enough, but when coupled with a new line of “ultra absorbent” tampons, the results have been deadly.

“Tampax released a new line of ‘super, ultra absorbent’ tampons earlier this year,” said Dr. Myles Kenifick. “Since that time, we have seen over 40 deaths of women who used them, as the tampons not only did their job in absorbing the monthly menses, but it also sucked out much of their body’s water as well.”

Dr. Kenefick says that most of the woman who died has used the tampons because of a “heavy flow,” but the tampons were so good at their job, they were actually absorbing water and nutrients from the body as well.

“We’ve come from an extremely dry year,” said Dr. Kenifick. “These women were already partially dehydrated, and not drinking enough water. With these tampons inserted, it was the last thing their body could handle.”

Dr. Kenefick is warning women who use any ultra absorbent tampons to stay extra hydrated. If that isn’t possible, he says that women should “stick to pads.”

Bear Grylls Hospitalized With Urine Poisoning

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

McMURDO STATION, Antarctica –

Edward Michael “Bear” Grylls, an explorer who is best known for his TV series Man Vs. Wild, was reportedly hospitalized while on a trek in Antarctica. Reports indicate that Grylls was rushed to a facility in McMurdo Station after complaining of violent stomach cramps.

“When he arrived, Mr. Grylls was in severe pain, and we ran multiple tests,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, of the McMurdo General Hospital. “In questioning him, we discovered that it was quite common for him to drink his own urine while on his treks. When we checked, his urea-levels were off the charts.”

According to Brown, it is actually not completely unsafe to drink your own urine, as it is mostly water, sodium, and potassium, but that you can only do so once, maybe twice, before your urine becomes poisonous.

“You could wake up tomorrow, and drink your pee, and you’d be fine,” said Brown. “You could probably drink your next pee, too. After that, you’re starting to drink pee that has gone through your system multiple times, and that is going to cause problems. That is what happened to Mr. Grylls.”

At the time of this writing, Grylls was still hospitalized, and was having his system flushed with clean, clear liquids.

“We highly recommended that Mr. Grylls no longer drinks his own pee,” said Brown.

Uber To Begin Offering ‘Rape Free’ Rides For Customers Who Pay Upcharge

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

After the recent conviction of a former Uber driver who kidnapped and raped a young woman, the “personal taxi” service has announced that they will now be offering a guaranteed “no rape” ride, offering passengers who opt to use their service to get to their destination without the “hassle” of being raped by the driver.

“We know that there are a lot of incidents out there of rape, kidnapping, and other nasty or sexual crimes,” said Uber spokesperson Jeff Glum. “We at Uber do not want any of our customers to get raped, because we know that rape is bad for business. So we have initiated an intense screening process to choose only those drivers who have less than a 1% chance of rape, and started our new “no rape” ride plans.”

According to Glum, the rape-less rides will cost a bit more, but that they will personally guarantee your safety.

“It will be a flat fee of an extra $30 per person, per ride, to enjoy our no-rape rides, but we feel that amount is a pittance to pay in comparison to your own, personal safety,” said Glum. “We want to stop the rapes before they become something more, like deaths. $30 to save your life? You’d be foolish not to take advantage of it.”

Glum says that Uber will begin the rape-free rides on November 1st. The app will be updated to indicate who is nearby that will not rape you.

Playboy Magazine Announces Caitlyn Jenner As November Centerfold

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

It already seemed like a major joke when, last week, Playboy magazine announced that it would no longer feature nude women, and instead would focus on the articles and interviews. The company, who removed nudity from their website in 2013, did say that they would keep the one piece of nudity that everyone loved: the centerfold.

Continuing with the idea of making their subscription numbers as low as possible, Playboy announced that November’s issue would feature Caitlyn Jenner, fully nude, as the centerfold.

“We are very excited to have Caitlyn join our long line of prestigious centerfolds,” said Playboy owner Hugh Hefner, 104. “And what a glorious time to have a she-man in the magazine. In 2015, we can have a black man as president, and we can have a chick with a dick in the Playboy centerfold. Readers-shmeaders. Everyone will want to buy this issue.”

Jenner could not be reached for comment, but her reps said that she is “extremely excited” to show the world her new, woman-ish body that still has a penis.

Indiana High School Allows Students To Go Fully Nude In Class

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SHAPRIO, Indiana –

A high school in Indiana is making waves this morning, after announcing that they would no longer be requiring students to wear clothes to school. The decision comes after a month-long protest from students over a new dress code that would require uniforms.

“The students staged a sit-in over the protest of a uniform policy, and the entire student body came to class nude,” said high school principal Mike Rubio. “That day, we had no absences, and higher testing scores than ever before. We thought it might be a fluke, but all that week, every single student came to school, and they were all eager to learn. They were all also very naked, but they were engaged. It was amazing.”

The school board decided to suspend the dress code change in favor of allowing students to wear whatever they wanted. Almost all the students continued to show up to school nude.

“I love being naked,” said sophomore Lindsay Burns. “I’m usually naked at home, and this is a lot more comfortable. I’m also a lot more popular now, which is awesome. My datebook is filled until January.”

Most of the parents in the school district say they are proud that their children can look past one another’s body issues and just be in school, learning, and that nudity shouldn’t be something that is so sexualized.

“Nudity is not inherently dirty,” said Michael Jones, whose son, Phil, is a senior at the school. “Phil is fine with being naked, and he’s definitely not got an issue with the girls being naked, either, if you know what I mean. Heh heh. Seriously though, these kids stood up for something, and now they get to strip down for something. It’s a win for them all, and I’m super proud to be a parent here.”

American Medical Association To Recognize ‘Negrophobia’ As Legitimate Mental Illness

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Medical Association released today a statement announcing the addition of ‘Negrophobia’ to the list of official, diagnosable mental illnesses. Negrophobia, which is the fear of black people, was formerly referred to by its more common name, Racism.

“The AMA has made huge advancements in the last 50 years in the understanding of Negrophobia,” said AMA president, Dr. Emmett Brown. “You see, a person who suffers from Negrophobia cannot help but to become terrified of black people. In a normal situation, a non-Negrophobic can rationalize that, hey, that’s just another person. Negrophobics, on the other hand, cannot, and that is where the mental illness comes into play.”

Brown says that it is hard to judge how many people throughout the world may be Negrophobic, but that it seems that many of the mentally ill individuals have gotten jobs in public service, such as law enforcement.

“Judging by the vast amount of headlines of white police officers shooting black men, it is clear that this Negrophobia is a huge problem in the law enforcement world,” said Brown. “The reason the AMA is releasing this information now is so that companies, and agencies who find that they may have higher-than-normal amounts of Negrophobia in their organization can work with the individuals to get them the treatment they need.”

Brown says that the AMA is recommending treatment such as “pulling your head out of your ass” for individuals suffering from Negrophobia.