Movie Theatre Collapses During Midnight Showing of ‘Rocky Horror’

Posted on October 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SANFORD, Michigan –

Tragedy befell over 150 people as an entire movie theatre auditorium collapsed during a midnight show of the popular cult flick The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The movie, which is the longest running theatrically released film in movie history, is played year-round throughout the country, usually at midnight shows. Halloween-time is especially popular for the film to be shown.

“It’s so sad, so unbelievably sad. I barely made it out alive, and most people did not,” said theatre manager Joe Goldsmith. “The film was barely getting started. We were only at the Time Warp scene. Unfortunately, that’s where a lot of the major audience participation begins.”

Moviegoers of the film are often dressed in costume as their favorite character, and the movie is an interactive experience. Line call-backs, throwing items around the auditorium, and dancing are not uncommon.

“It was just when they started doing the jumps to the left, and the steps to the right,” said Goldsmith. “On the first jump, the building shook a little. I noticed it, but I thought it was just the bass from the sound system. By the third jump to the left, though, the ceiling was crumbling. That final step to the right brought the whole place down.”

Goldsmith said that theatre was almost 120 years old, and the combination of the thumping sound system and the enthusaiastic movie-goers was too much.

“The whole entire theatre collapsed. Over 150 were trapped inside. It was horrible. There was rice and toast, and rolls of toilet paper scattered all over the debris,” said rescue worker Bill Silver. “It was a real mental mindfuck. But I can honestly say, it wasn’t nice.”

Hydrox To Sue Oreo Over Copyright Infringement, Claims Company Copied Their Cookies

Posted on October 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Hydrox, the cookie company that’s flagship product is the black, chocolate cookie with the white creme center, was invented in 1908, and was originally made by the Sunshine Cookie Company. Almost 5 years later, in 1912, Oreo was invented, and despite ripping off Hydrox completely, the company went on to be the bigger seller, convincing the world that Hydrox was the “generic” or rip-off company.

Papers filed today in the Massachusetts courts prove that Hydrox is finally stepping up to the cookie plate, as it were, as they plan to sure the Oreo Cookie company for copyright infringement and design theft.

“Hydrox has been making our cookies since the dawn of the 20th century,” said Hydrox spokesman Roy Charles. “Oreo has as well, but we were still first. It’s taken us a long time to get to this point, but we just needed time to build our case. Now is the time.”

Charles says that Hydrox is prepared to sue Oreo for $4.5 million, which is equivalent to only one year’s grosses of Oreo’s cookie empire.

“They have had over 100 years worth of sales, and every one of those hundred years, we took a beating,” said Charles. “We feel it’s time that Oreo put on their big-boy pants, pour a tall glass of milk, and admit they stole our cookie. The world needs to know that we were first and, frankly, we’re the better cookie.”

Representatives for Oreo could not be reached for comment.

Los Angeles County Plans To Decriminalize Rape, Assault; Hopes Move Will ‘Break Associated Stigmas’

Posted on October 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a first for the nation, the city of Los Angeles is seeking to remove the stigma surrounding rape by decriminalizing it. Lawmakers say they hope the move will not increase the rate of rape, but allow people to speak more freely about it.

“Because it has been a crime, people would not talk about rape,” said LA county commissioner Jerry Peck. “Women who were raped wouldn’t bring it up. Men who were rapists didn’t mention it to friends or colleagues. No one was talking about it. Rape was a dirty little secret. This new decriminalization will hopefully end the secrets.”

Los Angeles is the first city and county in the country to make move towards decriminalizing rape, but they aren’t stopping with only sexual assault.

“Assault in general is a crime to hide. Men would hit women, and then just claim they walked into doors,” said Peck. “It was sickening the things that go on behind closed doors. We are hoping that making sure it’s no longer a crime will allow people to open up about beatings and assaults.”

County legislature will vote on the issue on Monday. They are expected to pass the measure into law effective January 1st.

School Forced To Change Racist Mascot, Goes From ‘Warriors’ To ‘Wetbacks’

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SKOWHEGAN, Maine –

A small high school in Maine is fueling massive controversy after being forced to change their “racist” mascot name. The school, which has had the Warrior mascot for decades, decided to change the name after pressure from the community.

“This area of Maine has a high concentration of Native Americans, and the warrior name was extremely offensive,” said Skowhegan resident Joanne Fisher. “I was one of the ones who voted for the change, because I have some Native blood in me somewhere, and I was utterly offended when I moved to the area 2 months ago. I think the new name is a lot better. I’m not Mexican, so what do I care?”

The school chose to go with the new mascot, The Skowhegan Wetback, because they said that there are, in fact, no Wetbacks in the area.

“This area has a decent population of Indians, Jews, and we have some Wops and a couple Gooks, but they keep to themselves and don’t get involved in social issues anyway,” said school superintendent Joe Goldsmith. “I for one was fine with the Warrior name. I think it had more to do with spirit than with the red-skinned people around here, but whatever. The new name works, too.”

The school says that they will be abandoning the Warrior mascot at the end of the school year.

Elementary School Student Arrested For Sharing Sandwich, Accidentally Poisoning Classmate

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARSON CITY, Nevada –

A 7-year-old boy was arrested and is being charged with murder after he allegedly shared a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a classmate, which causes him to have an allergic reaction and die, say police in Carson City, Nevada.

According to police reports, a child, whose identity is being withheld due to his age, brought a PB&J to class, despite the entire school being a “peanut free zone.” The act, which normally would have not been a crime, was turned into a massive ordeal after the child shared his sandwich with a classmate, 6-year-old Tommy Dill.

“Little Tommy was allergic to peanuts, and was part of the reason that the school is a peanut-free zone,” said school superintendent Carl Reiner. “Unfortunately, Tommy went into anaphylactic shock, and died on the way to the hospital.”

The child who brought the sandwich to school is being charged with reckless endangerment, murder, and attempted assault. Because this was his first time bringing peanut butter to class, he will be charged as a minor. Prosecutors say he is lucky.

“If we had heard about previous warnings about peanut butter or any nuts being brought to class by this child, then we’d have been pushing for the death penalty,” said lawyer Dewey Cheatum. “Instead, he lucked out. This was his first offense, and we’re going to just push for what we can. We’re confident that he will not see the light of day until his 40th birthday.”

Woman Who Was Arrested For Masturbating With Sausage Dies In Prison

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLARKSVILLE, Louisiana –

Last week, shopper Shaniqua Johnson was arrested for allegedly masturbating with a Jimmy Dean sausage inside of a Wal-Mart Super Center in Louisiana. The incident, which was reportedly caught on camera, prompted the arrest of Johnson, who was being held after it was found she was unable to make bail.

“Ms. Johnson, who was arrested for lewd acts and shoplifting late last week at a Wal-Mart location, was found dead this morning in her cell,” said Police Chief Richard Brown. “In an ironic turn of events, it appears that Ms. Johnson choked on a sausage that was part of her state-provided breakfast meal. The coroner will release his full findings after an autopsy.”

“It’s a shame, really. If she had just paid for those sausages before masturbating with them in the first place, she never would have been in jail,” said Wal-Mart store manager Ross Mitchell. “I almost feel somehow responsible for this, like maybe I shouldn’t have called the cops. I mean, it was just a $5 package of sausage. I could have written it off.”

Johnson, who would have been facing 3 years in prison for her crimes, will be buried in the state cemetery, as no living relatives could be located.

Japanese Scientist Says He Has Invented Time Travel

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

Hisetto Toy, a Japanese scientist who has been studying time and space travel for over 40 years, says he has finally discovered a way to travel through time. In a translated story released in the New York Daily Post, Toy says that he was able to successfully travel back in time 5 minutes.

“I desperately wanted to have my time machine done by October 21st, 2015, the day that Marty McFly goes to the future in the Back to the Future films, as it is a favorite of mine,” said Toy. “Alas, I missed it by just a few days. Nevertheless, I have successfully completed a travel through time, and am ready to share my findings with the world.”

Toy says that his device, unlike the DeLorean in Back to the Future, is stationary. In fact, it is basically just a small watch-like item that can be worn on the wrist, and enables you to input a time you would like to visit.

“At this point, we can only make it work by going backwards in time, and we think that’s because that is time that has already happened, whereas future events have not begun,” said Toy. “The furthest we have travelled is 5 minutes, just as a test, but our research indicates there would be nothing stopping you from going back as far as you’d like.”

Toys full research will be published in the Tokyo Journal of Science next month.

Marlboro To Release Marijuana Cigarette Packs In Colorado, Washington D.C.

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

Finally catching up to the fake images that have been floating around the internet for years, Philip-Morris, the makers of Marlboro cigarettes, have announced that they are actually releasing packs of marijuana cigarettes in markets where the drug has been legalized for recreational use.

“We have been watching the sales of marijuana in Colorado for over a year now, and the numbers are staggering,” said Philip-Morris spokesman Jim Bean. “We know that there have been fake pictures of a Marlboro marijuana cigarette that have been floating around online for years, and we can honestly say that now, the debunking can stop. We’re getting in on this, and we’re going to get in huge.”

Philip-Morris reportedly obtained the necessary permits from the U.S. Government, and plan to start manufacturing the cigarettes as early as December.

“We know that pot heads love their weed, and we know that they like to buy in bulk, and that’s why we’re making this convenient and easy and putting them in packs, just like our regular cigarettes,” said Bean. “The great thing is, we have been looking for a way to make a ‘safer’ cigarette for years, and we’ve lied many times about the harmful effects of cigarettes. But now, we can finally say that we’ve got a safer alternative to smoking cigarettes – Marlboro Marijuana cigarettes!”

Burger King Announces Thanksgiving Whopper Coming In November

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLESTON, South Carolina –

Burger King has announced this morning that, thanks in large part to the incredible response to their ‘Halloween Whopper,’ they would be releasing a follow-up speciality burger in the form of their new Thanksgiving Whopper.

The burger, which is said to be the traditional burger, but featuring toppings including turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and french fried onions, is set to go on sale in select markets next week, and will officially launch November 10th.

“We are really, really excited for people to try this new Thanksgiving Whopper,” said Burger King CEO Chris Murphy. “The Halloween Whopper was a hauntingly good idea, and it was a smashing success. We hope that the Thanksgiving Whopper gains equal traction and that consumers love it.”

Murphy says that if the burger does well, they may consider continuing with specialty burgers each holiday, including a Christmas Whopper, a New Year’s Eve Whopper, and a Civil Rights Day Whopper, among others.

There is currently no word on what color your poop will be after eating the Thanksgiving Whopper.

Lamar Odom Credits ‘Hookers, Cocaine’ For Saving His Marriage

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Lamar Odom, former LA Lakers basketball player, was rushed to a Los Vegas hospital last week after collapsing at one of Vegas’ many famous whorehouses. Reportedly spending almost $100,000 at the brother over several days, Odom collapsed after what doctors say was “too much cocaine” and “too many blowjobs.”

The silver lining for Odom, though, is that estranged wife, Khloe Kardashian, immediately rushed to his hospital bedside. According to anonymous sources at the hospital, she has yet to leave his side.

“Khloe has been sitting right there by Lamar’s bedside, and was patiently waiting for him to wake up,” said a nurse who asked not to be named. “The minute his eyes opened, she started crying, and said she’d never leave him.”

Despite Odom still having a long way to go to full recovery, including surgery to repair his kidneys, which are currently non-functioning, as well as lung issues, he reportedly credits “hookers and blow” for saving his marriage.

“If I wasn’t out there, snorting huge lines of crank of some hooker’s fat dumper, I would have never landed in the hospital, and Khloe and I might have never spoken again,” said Odom. “I am so glad that she is here by my side. Hookers and blow saved my motherfucking marriage!”