Man Charged With Conspiracy To Commit Murder After Giving Go-Ahead To Hit Man Who Texted Wrong Number

Posted on March 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Carl Delgado, 27, of Chicago has been charged with conspiring to murder after a hit man, 45-year-old Carlos Martinez, accidentally sent a text to his phone instead of its intended recipient with the question “So do you want me to take the bitch out or not, yes or no?” Delgado claims he believed the text to be a prank from a friend and replied, “Yeah, take her out, make sure to give her the special treatment, haha.”

Chicago police say Martinez then abducted and murdered 25-year-old Kaylee Jefferson, also of Chicago. Officers who were patrolling the Near North Side neighborhood spotted Martinez attempting to dump the young woman’s body into Lake Michigan and managed to capture him and retrieve the corpse. As detectives investigated the case, they found the text he had mistakenly sent to Delgado. Officers read the phone number to Martinez and asked about the text, and Martinez told them that it was not the intended phone number. The detectives then declared that Delgado had unknowingly green-lit the hit on Jefferson, but have still charged him with conspiracy to murder because “he shouldn’t have been playing around on the phone.”

Delgado’s lawyer, Carmine Appleseed, says that the charges should be dropped based on the fact that police know he did not know the man or what he was referring to. “Carl thought it was a friend, randomly texting him from an unknown number asking if they should take a girl out, like out on a date, he had no idea of the evil-mindedness intentions of Mr. Martinez.” Appleseed stated.

If convicted Delgado faces a possible sentence of 25 years to life without parole.

Ben Affleck: ‘Matt Damon Will Always Be My True Robin’

Posted on March 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

When Ben Affleck was cast as Batman for the upcoming addition to the superhero franchise, Batman Vs Superman, the big question on everyone’s lips was, “Huh?” The next question was, who else will star in the series? In October, speculation grew that Jena Malone will play the Dark Knight’s sidekick, Robin.

At the time, the discussion focused on the casting of a female in the iconic role. But as interest in the feminist side died down, the public began to wonder about the status of Affleck’s well-known bromance with Matt Damon. After the ensuing social media storm, Affleck has finally had his say on the matter.

“Matt will always be my Robin,” the Argo star said. “Nothing will come between us, not even some feminoid playing his part.”

Matt Damon spoke to the media with a brave face. Clearly hurting inside, he stated defiantly that it did not bother him.

“I don’t care,” he said. “Who’s Ben Affleck to me? The days of Good Will Hunting and the like are long gone.”

Soon, however, the Bourne star broke down.

“When he played Daredevil, he said the only reason I couldn’t be his sidekick was because they hadn’t written one into the script. But how about now? Robin… Robin was meant to be… I can’t do this anymore.”

Affleck tried to calm his best friend down by insisting that he hadn’t had a say in who played which characters. When this approach failed, he organized an airplane to fly over Damon’s house, trailing a banner with the words, “Matt, you will always be my Robin, no matter what they say.”

Damon has since told the media that everything is resolved, especially since “Ben told me he’s gonna direct his own Batman series when this is done, and then I’ll play the part that was always meant to be mine.”

Toy Story Sequel To Be A Love Story Between Woody and Buzz

Posted on March 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

There have been many doubters of Pixar’s decision to release a further sequel in the “Toy Story” franchise, but most have been silenced by emerging details of the basic plot outline. According to sources at the computer animation film studio, the storyline has developed into a love story between Woody Allen and Buzz Aldrin.

“I think many fans have wanted to see how that could play out,” said confused Pixar CEO Robert Iger. “It’s a new age in which gay relationships are not only tolerated but approved of, and the sexual tension between the neurotic Jewish wit and the iconic astronaut has been clear throughout the series.”

According to Iger, other subplots will see Andy Samberg, the toys’ owner, return from college to play with his newly coupled duo. Sid Vicious, deceased member of the Sex Pistols and the main antagonist of the franchise, will return in his role as a garbage man determined to see homosexuality outlawed.

“Andy and Sid will fight a long legal battle over the right of the lovelorn toys to get married,” director John Lasseter revealed. “The adorable baby-faced, Jew-fro’d singer and actor will utilize the music of his band Lonely Island to play on the judges’ emotions. In particular, he’ll use their hit Spring Break, which juxtaposes the amorality of societally approved debauchery and the sanctity that can be drawn out when a man ‘marries a man’.”

Sid Vicious, on the other hand, will use his music to try and prove that liberal values can cause Anarchy in the UK.

On the point of the character of Sid being dead, writers say that it has not been a problem in the first three films.

“I think it added to Sid’s cruelty,” said screenplay writer, Joss Whedon. “He’s dead and does not care about anything, just as in life. It’s a nice twist to the classic story of dead conservatives hating on gays.”

“What the hell is everyone talking about?” said 8-year-old Joey Goldsmith. “I don’t think that anyone making this new movie saw the old movies. All these people they are talking about are not in the other movies. I really wanted to see it before, but now it just doesn’t make sense. I’d rather just watch Up again I guess.”

Tom Hanks Stars in Forgotten Singer’s Music Video

Posted on March 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Beloved actor Tom Hanks’ latest role has been revealed and it’s a weird step sideways. He’s appeared in the music video for the new single of Carly Rae Jepson – a singer who many thought was better left forgotten. If you don’t recognize the name, you might recognize the ear worming chorus of 20-something-or-other hit, Call Me Maybe.

Now that that particular annoying tune is stuck in your head, you might want to head to YouTube, where you can find the unwanted comeback of the irritating nobody. Tom Hanks is one of the few enthusiasts.

“I really love that Carly’s making a comeback,” he told MTV. “She’s one of the great forgotten artist’s of our time. That song, Call Me Baby I think it was, was totes amazing. And the music video in which I think she hooks up with a car wash attendant – what a classic.”

#NeuralyzeUsFromCarlyRae is trending on Twitter, making reference to the device used in the Men In Black movies to cause people to forget specific incidents or knowledge.

“i had jst abt frgtn that fukn bitch. wy did she hafto cumbak” wrote loosewhore21.

“Obscurity – an island in the north where one hit wonders should settle” wrote a somewhat more eloquent TheRealKaiserWilhelm.

Fans of Tom Hanks have expressed their disappointment in bringing Jepson back into our lives. They believe that without his cameo, her music video would have passed under the radar, leaving us immune to her latest ear worm.

“The worst part is, it’s Tom Hanks whose career this reflects most on,” said lifelong fan, Hom Tanks. “If he’d appeared on a Lonely Island track, like all the cool stars do, that would be a step up. But this is hitting rock bottom. The only mitigating factor would be if it turns out he had an affair with her and she blackmailed him. That’s the only way my faith in Tom will ever be fully restored.”

At press time, Hanks had denied any lude affairs, saying, “I simply want to help a young girl – whoever thinks old dudes have sexual agendas with young girls is a pervert.”

Study Shows Excessive Taking of Selfies Cause Seizures

Posted on March 14, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

You may want to drop that cellphone next time you are having a great hair day and looking for some ‘likes’ on Facebook. A recent study has been conducted, with results showing that people who take excessive selfies are more likely to suffer from seizures.

Dr. Corey Brad explained how something as simple as taking a picture of ones self can be so dangerous.

“Well, as crazy as it may sound, it is completely true. The thing that sets apart selfies from any other picture is the fact that most people taking them take up to one hundred photos of themselves at one time to find the perfect picture,” said Dr. Brad. “That large amount of staring into the screen and light can cause a person at any age to have a seizure. On top of that, you are twice as likely to take one with the flash on. As we’ve always known, flashing lights can cause seizures, but we never thought that some day so many people would be repeatedly flashing lights at themselves, either.”

There have been over 2,000 cases of young adults having seizures so far this year, and this study may have found the answer to why this is happening.

There are a few signs that you’re close to the ‘danger zone’ of a seizure when taking pictures, the biggest is about ‘Duck Face.’

“One tip is to know that the typical ‘Duck Face’ that is commonly seen in pictures is a sign of an impending seizure. While most people don’t even realize they are doing it, selfies can cause a neuron to literally burn out in your brain, causing you to make the face when taking a picture,” said Dr. Brad. “If you see someone making a duck face in a selfie, by all means, slap that phone to the ground. It may save their life.”

FCC Gives OK For AT&T Purchase Of Verizon Wireless

Posted on March 14, 2015 by DesireeAmber

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

Verizon Wireless CEO Dan Mead announced this past Friday that their wireless company and its entire network is set to be purchased by rival AT&T.

After increased speculation of the merger, the two carriers arranged the conference to discuss the resolution of Wednesdays FCC meeting and approval. After keeping the deal quiet for the two years it’s taken for the FCC to give the go-ahead, the companies say they are glad to be able to make the information public.

“Verizon wireless has had a successful hand at the wireless industry, and we’ve exceeded all possibilities since PrimeCo. As a company, we would like to see another carrier try its hand at covering everywhere on top of their own already stellar coverage. It’s time for us to focus on other ventures, and leave cell phones to hot shots like John Leger and Randall Stephenson!”

Many customers were alarmed by the news, as no newsletter or update was sent to customers when the proposition was even approved for submission to the FCC. Outraged customers and patrons of the company alike have been bombarding VZW and AT&T offices day and night with requests for new phones and plan changes before the company merger takes effect.

“They’re going to kill all of our services,” said Verizon subscriber Joe Goldsmith. “It’s like when Verizon bought out Unicel, and I had to get a whole new phone, change plans, all that shit. It was a pain. All it did for me was give me more headaches and a higher bill. AT&T is bound to raise prices again, because that’s what these companies do. I swear to God, I’m just going to go back to writing letters and calling people from a landline.”

The total buyout is set to take place January 2016, with transition plans for all customers moving service to AT&T. With all employment and service details not yet ironed out, both carriers are under a lot of heat due to the arrangement. While both companies maintain a loyal following, its hard to say what the future entails and whether or not their loyal customers will follow to a new company or what incentives will follow.

“We’ll make sure everyone is taken care of,” said AT&T spokesman Gerald Bryant. “I mean, once we become one company, and we change our name to AT&V, who knows what could happen. With the two biggest cell phone companies combined as one, we might just give free phones to anyone who asks! Who could stop us?!”

Sprint and T-Mobile had no comment on the merger, because they were too busy fighting for last place in the cellular market.

Kentucky Basketball Coach John Calipari To Step Down After Season, Admits To Meeting With NBA Teams

Posted on March 14, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

Head basketball coach of the University of Kentucky John Calipari announced earlier this evening that this will indeed be his last season as the teams coach.

The 55-year-old head coach, who coaches the #1 ranked team in the nation, said that he is tired of trying to live up to the expectations of basketball fans in the state of Kentucky. “Ya know what? I am just sick and tired of winning all the time and it not being enough for our fans. Here in Kentucky it is win or bust. Meaning that if we don’t win it all this season, I have failed. I’m sick of it.” Calipari said.

When asked about the possibility of coaching in the NBA next season, Calipari did admit to meeting with a couple of teams. “Look, Yes I have met with a few NBA teams who are interested in having me coach their teams, but nothing is set in stone. I may take a year off all together and take time enjoying watching the game, something I have never done.”

While the winning coach has been at Kentucky, at the end of each season rumors have come to the surface as he has been a hot commodity in the coaching ranks. He has turned down several offers from NBA teams, something he now regrets.

“It has been great here, but like I said, the fans are a pain in the ass. I should have moved on last year while I had the chance. This won’t be the end of me though, you’ll see me coaching again, if not next season, then the season after that.

iTunes Outages Makes Users Irate After Being Unable To Give Apple Money For Hours

Posted on March 14, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CUPERTINO, California –

Apple fans around the world were left irate on Wednesday, after an extended global outage hit the iTunes and app stores. The stores were down for twelve hours, during which supporters of the massive tech corporation were unable to conveniently give Apple their money.

“I spend thousands of dollars on that store every month,” said angry Macbook user, John Jonson. “It’s only right that they let me continue my unhealthy financial habit of pouring money into a multi-billion dollar company no matter what circumstances.”

Harriet Herring agreed, echoing Jonson’s sentiments.

“A full half a day was wasted, in which I had no way of buying music and television series I could easily torrent for free,” she ranted. “It’s ten miles to the nearest Apple reseller; how am I meant to get there to find other ways of paying exorbitant prices for great looking products?”

Defenders of the brand dismissed the complaints, saying that Apple loves receiving customers’ money, and would not dream of letting them down if it could be avoided. Furthermore, bringing in money is one of their most important services, even part of their mysterious constitution.

Apple CEO Tim Cook apologized for the outage, but reminded fans that the corporate giants have just released many other products to spend their money on.

“Apple Watch has just come out,” he said at an emergency press conference. “There’s so many great options, including the Apple Watch Edition, available for a whopping $10 000. That’s way way more expensive than anything you can get on the iTunes store. At least 3 times as expensive.”

But critics say that the “mishap” was just another way in which Apple continually, purposefully, let their customer base down.

“People want to give them money, and what do they do? They take away the possibility,” said and irritated Roger Walters. “They’re exerting their control, showing who’s boss. Basically saying you’ll only give us money when we decide to let you. A company with such influence over modern day society should provide better. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair.”

Robin Thicke and Pharrell Among Thousands of Artists Under Fire for ‘Similar Sounding’ Songs

Posted on March 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Pop artists beware! After a landmark ruling went against Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams for making music that sounded vaguely similar to any number of Marvin Gaye songs, thousands of other commercial musicians are under the threat of similar lawsuits. Gaye’s family brought the copyright suit against Thicke and Williams for their track “Blurred Lines,” which the artists say was going for a 70s/80s sound.

The ruling is cause for concern among the commercial music market as, according to Warner Music CEO Stephen Cooper, “all pop music sounds somewhat alike. Nothing completely new has been made in the pop industry for decades. There’s a simple reason for it – certain sounds are what people like, and most of those sounds have already been done at some point since recording music became possible.”

Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars are particularly worried about the verdict. Their massive hit “Uptown Funk” draws heavily on funk music, and any number of the genre’s artists could claim that it sounds sort of similar.

“We were just trying to make a cool song,” said Ronson. “And yes, it didn’t come entirely from a background of knowing absolutely no music that could possibly sound similar to a funk rhythm with repetitive lyrics. But we’re not nearly talented enough for that. Pharrell? He’s even further away from that talent.”

Record companies are already dropping some of the biggest artists of our day. Iggy Azalea has been dropped from her label, for sounding “too much like some black rapper.” Beyonce has been dropped for sounding “similar in some songs to Janet Jackson.” Jay-Z has been dropped for sounding like Kanye West sometimes. Kanye West has been dropped for sounding like Jay-Z on occasion. And everyone else has been dropped after it was noticed that most of them had drawn on influences from The Beatles, and The Rolling Stones, and other iconic bands.

Nickleback is apparently next in line for court action, as they sound almost exactly like Nickleback did in 1999.

Google Plans 48-Hour Shutdown Of All Websites In April

Posted on March 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CUPERTINO, California –

Bad news for users of the internet around the globe. Google has announced that they will implement a 48-hour shutdown in April, which will cause their search engine, YouTube, and several other major websites to go dark, but have left the specific dates of the blackout unknown.

It is not clear how long the plan has been in place, or if anyone within the company knows what the specific details are, but what is certain is that its a thought-out move on the corporation’s part that has been kept a very careful secret.

“What we know is that there are three Google employees who know what the dates are,” said Secret Service agent Mark Luncent. “What we don’t know is whether those three are allowed to fly on a plane together, ride the same bus, or if they have cyanide implanted in a false tooth which they can swallow if anyone gets too close to the truth.”

Technological news source Slashdot have released an op-ed on Google’s announcement, calling it a “mastermind of business strategy.”

“We don’t know why they’re doing it,” read the editorial. “But we know it will cause chaos, riots, and general panic. It will definitely display the disproportionate power Google has over us. And it definitely has us excited.”

However, not all sources are happy to go along with Google’s “whims”. TechCrunch suggested in their own editorial that “[they’re] just doing it to fuck with us. They’re like a child with a magnifying glass, burning ants alive, or like God having sex with our ears while we sleep. It’s for their own sick pleasure, I have no doubt about it. I for one am not going to stand for it. What do they expect me to do? Use Yahoo! search? Or, oh my God – an actual encyclopedia?”

Google spokesman Richard Altavista says that there is no reason to panic, and that the downtime is for a “higher purpose,” and will “go by quickly.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll be back really fast. So for all the people who use Google search every day, or cruise YouTube videos, or have Android phones, don’t worry – that 48 hours will just zoom on by. Maybe while we’re out, you could have a real conversation with a real human being, or something.”