Teacher Put On Suspension After Waterboarding Students During Detention

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma –

A local high school gym teacher has been temporarily suspended with pay, after reports of him allegedly waterboarding his students while in detention. Keith Evans, 56, may be looking at time behind bars if the charges are to stick, but he claims he was just doing his job by disciplining his students.

“I spent a lot of time in the military and working for the government before becoming a teacher, and that’s how you treated trouble cases,” said Evans, completely disregarding his union representative’s advice to not speak to the press.

Police are convinced Evans learned this technique during his very colorful background in the United States military. They feel that Evans may be ‘numb’ to the idea that waterboarding is harmful, and feel that no matter how the probably pending legal case goes, he will never understand what type of danger he put these students into.

“These kids were liars, cheats, and thieves, and I know that what I did what was right,” said Evans. “It’s not like I killed anyone. And it’s not like I ran the water over their faces for minutes at a time, like we used to do to terror suspects. It was just for a few seconds, just to teach them to wise up a bit. Hell, some of the kids were on the school’s swim team, so not only am I disciplining, them I’m training them for their next swim meet.”

“Honestly, I have no idea what any of this is about,” said Bobby Reynolds, 15. “I was in that detention, and Mr. Evans never bothered any of us. Not at all. We were totally fine, and detention was just quiet and nice. There was no waterboarding or any other torture going on.”

Evans has been put on leave, pending investigation. So far, none of the 14 kids in the detention will admit to any torture. Police think that they may all be too scared of Evans to admit what happened. 3 of the children did report better-than-average times in their last swim meet, though.

Man Survives Suicide Attempt After Jumping From 20 Story Building

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington-

One lucky man almost met his death last Thursday evening, but apparently fate had other plans. A Seattle man, Frank Carpenter, is alive today after attempting to kill himself by jumping from the top of a city building.

Carpenter reportedly jumped off the top floor of the IBM building, which is a 20-story skyscraper in downtown Seattle. He still remains in the hospital with several broken bones, but doctors say that, unbelievably, he has no life-threatening injuries.

“When I jumped, every regret came to mind of how much my life could offer me. I had so many things going bad in my life, and I didn’t think there was any hope for me. My girlfriend left me, I lost my job, and Russell Wilson threw the worst pass I’ve ever seen to lose the Super Bowl,” said Carpenter, now smiling in his hospital bed. “Surviving this, I’ve just done a complete 180 on my outlook, and I am just happy to be breathing. I see now how great this world can be.”

Doctors say they have no idea how Carpenter survived the fall, but say that striking a business canopy before hitting the ground may have been enough to slow him down without causing instant death.

“It seems that most of the force was taken in his legs, and he has severely compacted bones in both ankles, feet, and knees. He also broke one arm, and severely sprained another. Amazingly, though, that’s about his only injuries, and we have performed surgery,” said Dr. Joseph Goldsmith. “With physical therapy, he should walk again just fine. Man, if he had jumped head first, he would be so dead right now.”

When asked him what was going through his mind when he hit the ground, Carpenter said “Ouch.”

Peyton Manning Announces Retirement From NFL

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

DENVER, Colorado –

A true NFL legend has reported hat he will be calling it quits with his football career. Peyton Manning, the long standing all-star quarterback, has announced he will retire, effective immediately. The star player says he would like to thank everyone who has helped him in his journey.

“I stayed in it for a few more years than I wanted, trying to finish my season with a Super Bowl win, but I realized that I may not have the ability to do that,” said Manning. “I want to go out with some pride. I would love another ring but these young guys are getting better and better, and I just can’t keep up. I’m not Tom Brady, after all.”

The team appears to be supporting Manning on his decision, and the official announcement is that they ‘appreciate the time’ they got to spend with him. Coaches of the team say they are upset with the loss of their quarterback, but tell us they have faith in their team and will find a way to win.

“I’ve had a great career with great people, I won a Super Bowl, broke records, and even got to make pizzas. Not every QB can say the same thing, and I’m grateful to say that I have,” said Manning.

The Denver Broncos have not announced who will be replacing Manning, but sources confirmed that Tim Tebow was called in for a meeting with the organization.

“I cannot confirm or deny the reports that we have met with the Tim Tebow,” said Denver Broncos spokesman Gerald Dyster. “Peyton Manning has announced he would be leaving the team, but that’s all we know right now. He’ll be missed, no doubt, by any true fan of the game. Thankfully, though, we’ve all still got Tom Brady to watch year after year.”

MLB Announces Designated Hitter Position To Be Abolished In All Leagues

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK, New York-

Officials for the Major League Baseball Organization have confirmed a huge rule change that will impact the game of professional baseball indefinitely. A new rule will make it impossible for any team to use a designated hitter in their lineup beginning this season.

The decision was made after commissioner Robert D. Manfred Jr felt it unfair for a player to only hit, and felt that each player should hold more then one role in baseball.

“It was a tough call, but my team has backed me and agreed that this ban will make the game a lot more exciting,” said Manfred. “The salaries some of these guys get to just go up and bat is crazy. Granted they are helping their teams, but we want to implement a game that makes players depend more on their stamina and inner power. We don’t want our players to think at some point in their career they can get lazy and just sit on the bench and hit a ball every once in a while.”

Each team has until spring training to update their lineup, and any DH player that they have must be listed into a defensive position.

“The National League doesn’t have a DH position, so why does the American League need one? Pitchers will just start having to learn to bat. If they can’t sucks for them. If anyone has a problem with the new ban of the DH position, they can go find a new game to play,” said Manfred. “I don’t know how many jobs there are that require people to hit balls and catch them, but I feel that the rule will be taken hold by the teams just fine.”

J.K. Rowling Reportedly Broke, Announces New Harry Potter Book

Posted on February 15, 2015 by katy_rev

LONDON, England –

J.K. Rowling informed her fans she was working on the 8th part of ‘Harry Potter’ saga. She first announced it on her Facebook page early Friday morning, and then confirmed the information in a few interviews with local media.

When asked what is the next part going to be about, Rowling said it would describe the eternal fight between good and evil. This answer didn’t satisfy either journalists or her fans, so she had to add some details.

“In summary, Harry Potter leads a peaceful, lovely life with his wife and children, until one day his scar hurts again, and burns like fire. In this moment Harry understands: it’s Voldemort rising from the dead,” said Rowling. “The malicious wizard is back, stronger and more dangerous than ever before. The battle for life begins, or rather reactivates. One more time Harry has to save his loved ones and the whole world.”

Rowling said her decision was dictated by an inner need to bring back Harry Potter, mostly because she is flat broke.

“She, at one point, was one of the wealthiest people in the world, and the wealthiest woman in England,” said financial analyst Mark Cummings of the New York Weekly. “Sadly, the sales of her post-Potter books are just dreadful. Bringing Harry back is the only way that Rowling would be able to maintain her current lifestyle, or else she’d end up back on the streets, homeless once again and scrawling notes on diner napkins.”

Rowling was reportedly recently seen in a London bank, asking for a loan of £1000 ($1550 USD), which was refused. An anonymous friend of Rowling’s has hinted that the writer may have severe gambling problems. “It’s true – she lost most of her fortune betting on real-life Quidditch matches. It’s just so strange, and so sad. Did you even know that Quidditch was a real game? My mind was totally blown.”

Rowling said the book should be ready within three months. Some Harry Potter fans say it can not be a success, yet plenty of them are looking forward to the publication. The preparation has already started. Readers and avid fans are already buying magical gadgets, such as hats, capes and wands, to use while dressing up during book launches around the world.

Obama Ask Congress To Approve Sale Of Alaska To Chinese Government, Hopes To Pay Off National Debt

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama shocked congress today when he announced that he has been secretly talking to the Chinese government about selling Alaska. Obama promised the sale of Alaska to the Chinese in hopes that he would be able to pay off the national debt. He also stated that he sees no logical reason why congress should not approve of it.

“For the past several months I’ve been secretly negotiating with President Xi Jinping of China,” announced President Obama. ”Alaska actually is a pretty expensive piece of land with all it’s gold and oil, and President Jinping is will to pay the value of our national debt, a little over 18 trillion, which we have come to figure is just only slight above 1 trillion over market value. With those numbers, even the most racist republicans can’t say that’s a bad deal.”

Obama says that although he feels that China being so close to the United States and Canada could later have disatrous effects, the ability to pay off completely the debt owed by the country would be an immense relief.

“When congress approves of the sale, our nation will be debt free, and that’s a good thing. Ever since I took office, all I have heard is ‘national debt’ this, and ‘national debt’ that, and what am I going to do about it? Well, I did something, now it’s in the Republicans hands to finish the deal.”

“I think it’s a great idea, as all of Obama’s ideas have been so far,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. ”I know that I never personally considered Alaska part of America anyway. The only people who live there are freedom loving gun nuts like Sarah Palin, and that’s not what America is about anymore.”

Not everyone shares the same optimism about the sale as President Obama and other democrats, though.

“Alaskans won’t stand for it, that’s for sure! We may be different, but we are not crazy,” said former Alaskan governer Sarah Palin. ”Who does Obama think he is? How about reducing the debt by spending less, that’s how we do it in the Palin household. I don’t think Obama could even balance his own checkbook, never mind clearing out our national debt!”

“Theres not a chance in hell this will pass,” said Rep. John Boehner. ”The President is out of touch with reality. I wake up every day and say to myself:’ just two more years…just two more years…'”

Justin Timberlake Buys Britney Spears’ Underwear At Auction; Jessica Biel Reportedly Files For Divorce

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The underwear Britney Spears wore in her hit 1998 video Baby One More Time recently sold at a charity auction for $60,000, and the buyer has been rumored to be Spears’ ex-boyfriend, Justin Timberlake. Timberlake’s wife, actress Jessica Biel, has reportedly filed for divorce, citing the purchase of the underwear as the reason.

“I don’t know why she’s so pissed,” said Timberlake. ”Those panties just bring back good memories of my youth. They were the same panties she wore the first time we did it. I couldn’t bare the thought of someone else owning them. More importantly, though, it was for charity, and I can afford it. Britney and I will always have the past, but Jessica is my future!”

“On his head! I caught him wearing that skank’s panties on his head!” said Biel. ”I’m having his baby, I’m fat, I’m irritable, and I find him naked singing ‘Hit me baby one more time!’ with those panties on his head in the bedroom. I mean, I know it could have been worse. There are some much more disturbing things he could have been doing with those panties. Oh God – now I’m thinking about all those things! I can’t take this anymore!”

“Justin really wanted those panties, and my sources tell me the bid was only $100 when he upped it to $60,000,” said Hollywood reporter Mitch Mitchell. “The divorce is big news, but no one wants to take sides here. Justin has already been to Vegas twice to see Britney’s show. I think Justin will be just fine, here. As far as Jessica goes, well, I’m sure that if her body bounces back quickly, she’s set for life, anyway. In Hollywood, beauty never has to fade!”

New Diet Trend Has People Swallowing Maggots To Lose Weight Quickly

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Angela Baker

LOS ANGELES, California –

There’s some big news in the world of trend diets that you’re bound to see on The Dr. Oz Show anytime now. Health nuts say that if you’re serious about losing weight, you have to try swallowing live maggots!

Housewife Jenny Smith says, “No diet ever worked for me. I just couldn’t seem to stick with them. When my best friend told me her secret, I couldn’t believe it. I’m glad I listened to her. I’ve lost two dress sizes in a week!”

Not only are fly larvae inexpensive, they’re chock full of protein and other nutrients. The real benefit is in the effect it has on the stomach. Preliminary studies show that eating a half cup of maggots in the morning can cut a person’s calorie intake in half.

Health guru Natasha Sanipas explains, “The secret to losing weight is eating less. This is the best appetite suppressant money can buy. I recommend mealworms, personally. They sort of taste like bread, so they satisfy my craving, but are gluten and carb free! Basically, whatever I eat after swallowing them, the mealworms eat half of. It’s way more safe than the old tapeworm diet, too, because those things were super deadly. These mealworms, I usually just pass them through in a day or two!”

Advocates advise to always consult a physician before beginning a new diet, and to never pick maggots directly out of the trash. Sanipas advises to only order insect larvae from certified dealers. “If you do want to raise your own maggots, I recommend putting some rank meat in a Mason jar and covering the top with cheese cloth. Then let nature work its magic. Tempted to raid the fridge? Swallow a few of those little squirmers, and I guarantee your craving will be gone. Just remember – swallow, don’t chew! They can’t help you out if you’ve chomped them all to death!”

Hubble Telescope Finds Evidence Of Actual Heaven In Deep Space Probe

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Angela Baker

MIAMI, Florida –

The NASA/ESA Hubble Space Telescope has found a space anomaly that very well proves the existence of God. Hundreds of scientists confirm God’s word is being transmitted from deep within outer space.

Judy Schmidt is credited with first spotting galaxy cluster, knowns as SDSS J1038+4849, and submitted the image to Hubble’s ‘Hidden Treasures’ image processing competition. Because of its resemblance to a smiling face, the galaxy cluster has gotten worldwide attention.

Green Bank Telescope, a radio observatory of West Virginia, first picked up unusual transmissions when they pointed their satellites at the galaxy cluster. In their statement, they remain guarded. “We’re not sure what we’re looking at yet, but it has been confirmed by other radio observatories to be Heaven, as in literally the place where your sprit ascends to when you pass on.”

Famous astrophysicist Michio Kaku claims to have decoded the transmission. “At first it seemed to be unusually loud space noise, but when we isolated the individual transmission, we found we were listening to Psalms. It was very strange. At first I thought someone had tampered with my computer. After further analysis, I realized I had better get to church right away.”

Pope Francis plans to announce the official location of Heaven in a press conference on Ash Wednesday. “Finally, something scientific we can rub the non-believer’s faces in. My prayers have been answered,” said Francis. “For eons, people have asked for proof, for tangibility, and at least, we can present it.”

Plans are in the work for a probe, containing messages from humanity, although some scientists argue the human race may be extinct by the time it gets there. Progressive Reverend Marc Luther says, “It all makes sense now. God never answers prayers because he’s too far away to hear them. A probe will get his attention. For the sake of future generations, we need to reach out to Him and beg for His help before it’s too late.”

Somali Pirate Sues Sony Pictures For Cut Of Profits From ‘Captain Phillips’

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The ACLU representing a Somali pirate filed a lawsuit today against Sony Pictures, claiming that their client, Abduwali Muse, never gave his permission for his story to be told in movie, and has never received compensation. Captain Phillips was Sony Pictures 2013 hit, grossing over $218 billion worldwide.

“How can the American Civil Liberties Union represent a Somali pirate, you ask? The answer is easy – he is being held in a U.S. prison,” said ACLU Lawyer Adam Aarons. “Mr Abduwali Muse, who the story ‘Captain Phillips’ is based on, is serving a 33 year sentence here in the United States. I’ve taken this case on because my client has not seen one dime of the profits of a movie which essentially tells his life story. Corporations need to be taught you can not walk all over the little people. We are asking for $100 million dollars, which upon winning, the ACLU will hold for Muse until he is done serving his 33 year sentence – minus our large cut, of course.”

“The ACLU won’t be happy until they destroy America,” said radio personality Rush Limbaugh. ”They take on the most stupid, inane cases possible. The will do anything for a buck, but this is their lowest moment, representing a murderous pirate against a film studio that, frankly, has had to endure enough these last few months.”

Sony has recently dealt with controversy of their own, after hacked emails leaked detailing sensitive conversations between executives, as well as a threat against the United States being lobbied by North Korea over the studio’s film The Interview.

“I’m not sure who the ACLU is, really. I only signed the papers because they promised me money in my commissary to buy candy bars and gum,” said Abduwali Muse from inside his prison cell. ”I don’t want to upset anyone, I’m in jail because I’ve done horrible things. I feel guilty because they treat me so well – American Jail is nicer than my village. If you see the ACLU tell them I’m waiting for my candy.”