Land O’ Lakes To Release Butter In New, Odd Stick Form

Posted on November 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Land O’ Lakes, a dairy company well known for their butter and margarine products, has said that they plan on releasing a new type of butter in a stick, with a twisting end, much like a giant glue stick that children use in school.

“Butter is a super, duper, pain in the you know what to cut and spread,” said Lakes spokesman Burt Honey. “You cut it and go to put it on your bread, and it’s hard, and it just tears the bread in two. You try and melt it a bit, and its too soft, and then you’ve got soggy, nasty bread. This product solves everything.”

Honey says that Land O Lakes has been working on the project secretly for over 20 years, as they didn’t want to “give away trade butter secrets,” but plan to release the item in the spring, just in time for what they refer to as “toast season.”

“Toast season is, generally, March through May, and that’s the time of year where people eat the most toasted bread,” said Honey. “We are extremely excited to have this new product out in time for toast season. We know people will love it.”

Microsoft Releases XBox Controller That Doubles As Marijuana Pipe

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

In a bold move by Microsoft, the company has begun shipping controllers that double as pot smoking pipes, or bowls, for their XBox 360 and XBox One consoles.

“This is a fucking game changer,” said Joe Goldsmith, avid video game player and pothead. “I mean shit, before I had to pause my game, put down the controller, then pick up my bowl, smoke it, and then put it down, pick up the controller…it was a processes. This is a much better idea.”

Microsoft said that the design came after many people complained that they had a hard time smoking weed, playing video games, and eating munchies all at once.

“We know that, for the most part, gamers – especially XBox gamers – are potheads, and we just wanted to do something to give a little back,” said Microsoft spokesman Jim Dugan. “We’re really glad to be able to launch a product like this, that will be so helpful to so many gamers and pot smokers.”

The controller will retail for $42.00, several dollars less than the current controller, but what Microsoft says is a “way more amusing” price point.

Facebook To Begin Deactivating Accounts Of Anyone Who Posts About ISIS

Posted on November 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, California –

Whether you are against ISIS, like most people, or somehow slinking by as a terrorist supporter, Facebook has announced that they will be systematically deactivating accounts that frequently talk about ISIS, Muslims, terrorism, or anything else that they deem “inappropriate.”

“Frankly, it’s their website, and they can do whatever they want,” said user Joe Goldsmith. “I think people forget that Facebook may be made up of its users, but it is not owned and controlled by the users. Facebook has the right to delete or post whatever they want, and if they don’t like your stupid post, then they can delete it.”

According to Facebook spokesman Al Greene, the company is removing the accounts of people who post too often about ISIS, Muslim extremists, and other terrorist groups, because it “upsets other users.”

“If we’re friends on Facebook, and you are constantly posting pictures of your dog, and I have a fear of them, well frankly, those pictures will upset me,” said Greene. “We are trying to be the middle man so no one has to see the dog, no one has to have any fear. If your uncle Charlie is constantly posting pictures and articles talking about ISIS, then we’re going to step in and shut down his account. It’s only fair.”

Greene says that everyone will get one warning, but repeatedly posting controversial topics will lead to account suspension or deletion.

Doctors Advise Drinking Coca-Cola Can Help To Cure Diabetes

Posted on November 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

A recent study by a team of medical professionals hired by the Coca-Cola company reportedly proves that drinking the soda in large amounts can effectively cure diabetes in people who suffer from the disease.

“The way that Coca-Cola is made, we found that is has extremely high levels of sugar, and normally that would be bad,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, one of the lead researchers hired by the company. “But, what happens when you drink extreme amounts of Coca-Cola is that your body almost ‘forgets’ that it is drinking sugar. If you drink nothing but Coca-Cola and Coca-Cola products, eventually your body gets used to it, and believes, essentially, that you are drinking water.”

Brown says they studied 500 people with diabetes, and put them on a strict diet of nothing but Coca-Cola.

“I have been drinking nothing but Coke for over a year now,” said test subject Jamal Jenkins. “I feel mostly okay. I don’t move to good, since they removed my feet awhile back, but otherwise, I’m pretty decent. I’m also stoked that I have a lifetime supply of Coke thanks to being a part of this project. I do love me some soda. Can’t beat the real thing.”

Brown states that of the 500 people who had diabetes at the start of the research program, 132 of them had since died, and the rest still had diabetes.

“We’re counting those deaths in the ‘win’ column,” said Brown. “Those people definitely don’t have diabetes anymore.”

Barnes & Noble To Remove Religious Section, Move All Books, Bibles To Fiction Section

Posted on November 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

Barnes & Noble, one of America’s last giant bookstore chains, has announced that they will be removing their religious and faith-based sections after the 2015 holiday, with plans to integrate those books into the fiction sections.

“It may make shopping a little more difficult, but in reality, those books aren’t real, so they belong under fiction,” said Barnes & Noble spokesman Gordon Bailey. “They’ll still be in the store, they just won’t be lumped together. Honestly, we assumed that Christians would be happy, because this means that their Bibles will not be on a shelf near the copies of the Quran.”

According to Barnes & Noble, a slew of complaints from non-religious groups swayed them to change their cataloging system.

“A patron came in, and they were extremely upset to see that we had the Christian Bible in its own section, and not just mixed in with the other fictional books,” said Bailey. “They caused a stink, and soon other non-faith based groups caused a stink, and frankly, as a major corporation, it’s just easier to go along with whatever the majority wants.”

Starbucks Gives In To Criticism, Releases Jesus Christ Cups

Posted on November 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SEATTLE, Washington –

Starbucks has curiously been under a slew of controversy in recent weeks after releasing holiday-themed cups with no actual theme; the company simply opted to do a solid red cup through the holiday season.

“Honestly, we don’t get what everyone is so mad about,” said Starbucks CEO Jim Starbuck. “I mean, we never had Christmas-themed cups, really. We had snowflakes. We had ornaments. It’s not like we ever put the Christ into Christmas with our cup images, so how the hell these ignorant Christians think we’re taking it out now, I’ll never know.”

Despite the company’s stand on how ignorant most of their customers seem to be, they did decide to release more Jesus-centric cups for the holidays.

“Regardless of the fact that people care what the hell the cup that their shitty, burnt coffee comes in, we have decided that the customer is always right, even when they’re wrong,” said Starbuck. “That’s why we’re putting out these Jesus-y cups, depicting Christ on the cross, a holy-looking Jesus, and Jesus as he appeared in the film The Passion of the Christ – all bloody and beaten. That one is my personal favorite.”

The cups will hit stores immediately, according to Starbucks.

“Maybe now everyone will shut the fuck up and start worrying about something that matters,” said Starbuck.

Man Loses Arm After Smartwatch Explodes

Posted on November 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

An unidentified 32-year-old man was rushed to the emergency room in Louisville yesterday after his Apple smart watch exploded, removing most of his arm in the blast.

“This is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like this, but it’s definitely a good warning to not wear stupid Apple products,” said Dr. Charles LeMar of the Louisville Regional Hospital. “According to bystanders, the man began to scream in pain, as if his arm was burning, and then a loud explosion blew 90% of his arm clean off. It’s crazy. He’s lucky he survived.”

This is the 3rd incident in as many months of smart watches exploding, although this was the first time it happened while the owner was wearing it. The previous times, the watches were charging when they overheated, causing them to blow.

“I think this provides enough proof to show how dangerous smart watches are,” said anti-technology advocate Mark Churn. “Wearable technology is highly volatile, and things like this could happen more and more as we begin to wear stupid, electronic things. This man should be glad he wasn’t wearing Google Glasses, or he’d have lost his eyes. iPhones are stupid enough – do you really need to wear an iPhone on your wrist, too, you pretentious bastard?”

Apple representatives could not be reached for comment.

Several Major Companies Start Paying People To Be ‘Walking Billboards’

Posted on November 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Companies such as Oreo, Coca-Cola, Burger King, and even Marlboro cigarettes have begun offering hefty paychecks to people who are willing to use their own body as walking billboards – and people are lining up to get the job.

“I was struggling to make ends meet, but Oreo pays me damn good money to wear their logo on my head,” said Shaniqua Sh’niqua, 36. “Only downside is how damn hungry I get all the time now. Wish I could just open my own skull and pull out some Oreos, but it just can’t happen!”

A spokesman for Coca-Cola, who also has been paying people to brand themselves, says that they like the combination of people showing brand-loyalty, as well as the advertising.

“In this day and age, we pay YouTube ‘celebrities’ to talk about our product, and they get the word out. This is another step to talk about our product,” said Coca-Cola spokesman George Glass. “If you see someone on the street with their hear dyed red and the Coke logo painted in, you’re going to ask them about it. And we paid them a good amount to do that to themselves. We’ll pay even more if you tattoo our logo on your body. We’ll pay extreme amounts if you’ll tattoo your face.”

Many companies have said they’ve seen a spike in sales after they began paying people to advertise for them, and several giant corporations say they’re “watching the trend” closely.

TSA To Begin Using Drug-Sniffing Cats At Airports

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for security at all U.S. airports, said that they are beginning to switch from drug-sniffing canines to drug-sniffing cats at security checkpoints. The change comes after a 4-year-old with past dog-related trauma was hospitalized when he suffered a mild heart attack at the sight of one of LAX’s dogs.

“Cats, although much more difficult to train, can smell drugs, too” said TSA spokesman George Richards. “They’re not quite as adept at it, because their noses don’t work like a dog’s, but they can certainly smell cocaine, marijuana, and catnip with no issue.”

Cats, which unlike dogs are notorious assholes, are internet sensations in their own right, but there are many concerns that a cat will not be able to find most of the drugs that may slip through TSA security, leaving a major hole in our nation’s plane travel.

“We are very aware that cats will not find everything that comes through, but frankly, neither do the dogs,” said Richards. “There will still be backups, such as our TSA agents, working the checkpoints, just as there has always been. Frankly, we just want to make sure that people are safe, and if dogs are going to be an issue, then cats are the next logical step.”

Richards says that cats will become the norm at all major airports by the end of 2016.

American Airlines, Delta To No Longer Allow Young Children To Fly

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

If you have a family with young children, you may soon find yourself having to drive to your favorite vacation destinations. American Airlines, Delta, United, and several other airlines announced yesterday that they would no longer be allowing children under the age of 6 on any flights, domestic or international.

“Airlines have always, without fail, been about making money, and ignoring comfort,” said United Airlines representative Michael Thomas. “Children paid less for tickets than adults, and they take up seats that could go for other travellers. Not to mention that no one wants to fly with cranky, pain-in-the-ass children. If they know that there won’t be any on a flight, then they’ll be willing to pay more for their seats.”

It’s a rarity in business these days for any company to be so candid about their motives, especially when those motives are driven by nothing but profit, but Thomas says that airlines have never hidden behind any walls when it comes to profits.

“Years ago, you could smoke on airplanes. Not anymore, and that’s nothing to do with FAA regulations, that’s simply to do with being able to charge more now because non-smokers will pay more knowing they don’t have to deal with it,” said Thomas. “Not to mention the problems with legroom and spacing. We could easily remove just one row of seats on any aircraft, and space the seats out, giving everyone several inches more in legroom. Screw that, though. Airlines have monopoly on travel, because what else is there? You’re not taking a train or something. Who the hell takes a train anymore? You’re stuck with us.”