‘Game of Thrones’ Fans Find TV Series Spoilers in Local Bookstores

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

GLOBAL, Worldwide –

Fans of acclaimed HBO series Game Of Thrones have reportedly been finding books full of spoilers about the show placed secretly in bookstores around the world. The news has sent many impatient watchers rushing to purchase the volumes, while others have protested against the blatant disregard of the writers for the suspense for which the program is renowned.

“It’s insane,” said one fan delighted by the revelations. “The fifth season is only coming out in April, and already someone has leaked what’ll happen. I opened the one – it’s titled A Feast For Crows – and was shocked to find out that [spoilers removed]. I can’t wait to break it to my friends about [spoilers removed] dying. They’ll never believe it, nor will they believe that [spoilers removed] makes it all the way to [spoilers removed].”

“I don’t think it’s fair. I picked up A Dance With Dragons, innocently thinking it was fanfic about the Game of Thrones universe, and unwittingly found out that [spoilers removed],” said aggrieved fan, Stacey Jones. “I’m so scared that inconsiderate people will reveal to me what else is going to happen. Literally, I’m not looking at any blogs about the series unless they have disclaimers stating [spoilers removed].”

The source of the leak earlier today revealed his identity to be George R.R. Martin, one of the main story writers for the blockbuster series. He defended his actions by citing similar series and movies whose major plot were revealed by writers long before their release dates.

“Tolkien did the same thing,” said an unperturbed Martin. “He revealed that Frodo [spoilers removed] decades before the release date was due. Stephen King is another who consistently does this. It adds to the suspense – not only are you scared of what’ll happen to your favorite characters, you’re now terrified someone will tell you in advance.”

Critics have dismissed the news as unremarkable, stating that it’s characteristic of Martin, who has written such characters as [spoilers removed] out of the show to shock viewers, and never fails to disappoint in bringing fans’ anxiety to the verge of boiling point.

NBC Confirms ‘Seinfeld’ Coming Back To Television, Entire Cast Signs 3 Year Deal

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Time to rejoice America, Seinfeld is officially coming back to TV in the fall of 2015. Negotiations have been going on behind closed doors for months, and NBC refused to greenlight the project until the entire cast signed on, with Jerry himself being the last holdout.

“I was under a lot of pressure from the guys to sign on,” said the show’s star, Jerry Seinfeld. ”I was pretty happy being semi-retired and stupidly wealthy, but Julia, Michael, and Jason, man, they really needed the money and wanted to be on top again. So I guess I’ll come back and star cashing those million-dollar-per-episode checks again. Larry David will produce us once more, and the show will still be about nothing, just nothing set years later. It’s going to be the same exact set, it’s going to be like we never left. The first episode will be about auto-correct and text messages, should be a lot of fun.”

“Kramer’s back baby!” said Michael Richards. ”Thank God Jerry agreed to do it. The best thing is all of us being back together again. We were all part of something special years ago and we never stopped being friends. I don’t care if no one watches, which clearly won’t even be possible, but as long as I get to work with my best friends and those sweet TV paychecks come in, I’ll be happy. Anything that keeps people from remembering that racist tirade I went on a few years back. Oh damn, I brought it up again, didn’t I? Er – Seinfeld! Yeah!”

“It’s sad that they have to keep rehashing these old shows,” said film and TV critic Carmine Classi. ”With all the crap on TV today though, I’m really looking forward to Seinfeld coming back this fall. Dreyfus, Richards, and Alexander all sucked on solo projects, but together they at least make a passible show. It may be about nothing, but plenty of people watched Jersey Shore, and that’s not exactly about anything, either. Personally, I think Jerry Seinfeld deserves a Nobel Peace Prize or something for making this happen.”

Man Who Had Been Missing For 10 Years Found In Backyard Of Own Home

Posted on February 15, 2015 by katy_rev

SPRINGFIELD, Arizona –

Christopher Hollins, 29, who was missing for nearly 10 years, returned to his home in Springfield three days ago. The man was found naked in the backyard of his home. According to Hollins, he was being used as an object of medical experiments.

Hollins says that 10 years ago, while walking from his house to a shop, he was stopped by a mysterious person in a long coat. The person spoke with a mesmerizing voice, handed him a small pill, and persuaded to swallow it. Next thing Hollins remembers is waking up in an empty room with lots of lights.

“I spent ten years in this room, almost never getting out,” he says. “I was listening, though. Sometimes they thought I couldn’t hear them, but I did. They were designing robotic humans with artificial intelligence and they used me as a model. The whole of humankind is in danger!” Hollins thinks that he was kidnapped by a governmental organization, although he is not able to indicate the exact place where he was kept, but thinks it was for sure somewhere in Washington.

Hollins’ mother confessed her son used to be a great fan of science-fiction shows, especially Battlestar Galactica. He only watched one season of BSG and then disappeared, but doctors say it’s possible he got inspired by the series and believed people were really trying to create cylons – intelligent robots looking just like humans.

“It was a good show, yeah, and very convincing. For some time he thought I was a cylon,” said Mary Hollins, Christopher’s mother. “He definitely got really into it. I’m not going to lie – we looked for him went he went missing, but he was 19. Police didn’t care much about an ‘adult runaway.’ After a few weeks, we stopped looking. It was easier to pretend we had no son than it was to think we had a son who was a huge nerd.”

Doctors checked Hollins’s medical state, and concluded that he is generally fine, but believe that his entire story is completely fictional.

“From what we can tell, he was never out of the backyard at all, which is weird, because police would have normally checked there first,” said Dr. Honus Wagner. “At any rate, there is a small shed in the backyard of the Hollins’ home, and we think that Christopher probably just got himself locked in there, and survived by eating small rodents and neighborhood animals that wandered in. To be quite honest, it’s not as uncommon of a thing as you might think.”

“I’m just glad to be home,” said Christopher. “Is Battlestar Galactica still on?”

Girl Steals Ex-Boyfriend’s Sperm In Cheating Revenge Plot

Posted on February 15, 2015 by katy_rev

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A woman in Boston, Massachusetts says that she stole her boyfriend’s sperm after the couple had been having issues and she discovered he was cheating on her. She kept it, but not to get herself pregnant, as one might suspect.

Jessica Hedley and Colin Cross from Boston were a couple for three years. “I was so deeply in love all this time! But then I started noticing some things…Colin would come back home late, smelling of cheap perfumes,” said Hedley, 27. “Finally, I found a picture of some tramp showing off her cooter on his phone – some 18-year old bimbo wearing too much make up and not much else.”

The woman decided to take a revenge. She suspected Cross was actually not planning to get involved with the girl, but was just keeping what the internet refers to as a “side bitch.”

“I noticed he didn’t love her – I checked his phone when he wasn’t looking, I could see what he was saying. I even followed them out one time. She’s hot, but she was so terribly stupid. It was definitely all about sex,” said Hedley. “But this bitch seemed to have infatuated with my Colin. I followed her a few times, when she was by herself. I saw her shitty apartment in the ghetto. I figured she might be dreaming of a sudden change.”

Hedley says she first broke up with Colin, and then arranged a meeting with the other girl.

“She was surprised I wanted to meet. I told her Colin wanted to have a baby, but that I had fertility problems, and had just found out there was absolutely no chance of getting pregnant, and that he had dumped me because of it. Then I gave her some of his sperm that I’d been keeping on ice. I handed it to that skank, and told her to get it to the clinic and use it to get pregnant as soon as possible – because this is what Colin has been dreaming of for a long time. That dumb bitch believed every word, and went and turkey-basted herself into getting knocked up.”

Hedley says that she just wanted to make sure that Colin’s life was ruined forever.

“I thought of pretending to kill myself, and getting it blamed on him, like in Gone Girl,” said Hedley. “To be honest, no woman has that much time on her hands. Instead, I just got him strapped to some piece of ass he never even liked. Seems like a way more dirty thing to do, anyway.”

Dozens Of People Hospitalized With ‘Brain Worms’ After Eating Common Food Item

Posted on February 14, 2015 by katy_rev

MIAMI, Florida –

Three days ago the University of Miami Hospital received a patient with unusual symptoms. After conducting a series of medical examinations, doctors diagnosed the man with a unique form of ‘brain worms,’ similar in nature to that of a tapeworm that can be contracted from certain foods. Since that diagnosis, over one hundred more people have been hospitalized.

Peter Forney, a 44-year-old resident of Miami, began experiencing strong headaches last Wednesday. Both he and his family first suspected it was just a migraine, but within a few days, Peter’s behavior drastically changed.

“He started acting like an idiot. Peter is a clever man, but all his intelligence was gone. He was speaking with no sense, making bad jokes all the time. I thought he was taking drugs or something, but this constant headache was strange,” says Laura Forney, Peter’s wife. She called an ambulance after her husband peed on the carpet in their living room while laughing maniacally.

“A few hours after Mr Forney arrived to the hospital, we received many more patients with similar symptoms. All of them became more and more stupid as time went on, as if their brains were being eaten away,” said Dr. Robert Gacy of the Miami General Teaching Hospital. “After running a battery of tests we managed to make a diagnosis – the patients have live, tissue-eating worms inside of their brains. It seems the worms feed themselves with gray matter and damage the nervous system, causing violent outbursts, unstable behavior, and decreased intelligence.”

“The biggest problem right now is the risk of epidemic. More and more people are getting sick,” said CDC spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “We believe the worms are come from common food. Our patients live in different towns all around Florida. They didn’t dine in the same places, but clearly there is a link to their lifestyle. It has to be something popular and commonly available. We will find out. We can’t let our society get even dumber than it already is.”

Panic is spreading among residents of Florida and neighboring states, so much so that they are afraid to eat. Doctors say that they are able to remove and kill the worms if they are caught early on, but brain damage is not reversible. They warn people to not starve themselves totally, and that it would not be possible for the worms to come from things like candy or soda.

“If you’re going to eat, just eat a lot of unhealthy foods. These types of worms, they couldn’t come from jelly beans or Coca-Cola or potato chips or anything, so just enjoy those things until we find out what could be causing this,” said Goldsmith.

Academy To Give Leonardo DiCaprio ‘Retroactive’ Oscars For Past Performances

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

HOLLYWOOD, California –

After two decades of stellar work in the acting field, Leonardo DiCaprio may finally be receiving the award he deserves. The Academy has hinted at the actor being given retroactive awards for his many Oscar-worthy performances. The news comes from a verified anonymous source in the Academy that stated the members could no longer deny the many mistakes they’ve made in overlooking the actor.

“Quite frankly, there came a point where we were doing ourselves a disservice by passing him up over and over again,” the source explained. “If you miss one or two solid performances, it can always be chalked up to there being such a wide pool of talent. But with DiCaprio, we found ourselves simply overlooking too many great performances. So it is time we atone for our earlier mistakes.”

With humble beginnings on television, it was likely impossible for anyone to know just how grand DiCaprio’s career would become. Even less probable was the number of times the actor would be overlooked for great work. The earlier half of his film career was filled with heart-throb roles. However, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape was a riveting performances that the young actor failed to cash in on. That nomination came in 1994 for best supporting actor, but was a curious loss to Tommy Lee Jones for his role in The Fugitive, a role identical to every other role that Tommy Lee Jones has ever played.

The Aviator, Blood Diamond, and The Wolf of Wall Street also all failed to earn DiCaprio an Oscar after being nominated. What is worse, some of his very best performances were wholly overlooked by the Academy – DiCaprio’s roles in The Departed, Shutter Island, and Django Unchained were each undeniable forces that were ignored by those holding a vote.

Now the Academy looks to make good on their oversights by handing the actor six Oscars for the various opportunities missed. According to the source, the former winners will be allowed to keep their awards as well.

When reached for comment, DiCaprio could not be understood over the background sounds of many jovial models, money being thrown around, and tropical island waves splashing against a giant yacht.

D’Angelo Fans Upset Performer is Not Shirtless During Live Shows, Threaten Lawsuit

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

CINCINNATI, Ohio –

In the midst of his world tour to promote his newest album, Black Messiah, performer D’Angelo has faced a surprising backlash from some fans. During his tour, the singer/songwriter has worn mesh tops, social-political messages scrawled across t-shirts, and ruffled tops. But the on thing he has not done is gone shirtless, and this has seemed to upset some of his most loyal fans.

“I didn’t come to a show for music alone,” Says Raykeesha Johnson of Cincinnati, Ohio. “I’ve been waiting a long time for D’Angelo to come back around. I was fixen to throw my unmentionables the moment he took his shirt off. But he went the whole show with a top on!”

D’Angelo made waves with his music video “Untitled (How Does it Feel)” off his album Voodoo in 2000. The video had D’Angelo standing naked with an all-black background, singing his song. The video was an unbridled success, but came with a price. From that point on, D’Angelo felt he was an object of desire, and his music came second.

“My songs started being drown out by women screaming for me to take my clothes off. After a while I started to just stand on stage with no shirt just to get it out of the way. That didn’t help either. They always wanted more.”

The artist then went into hiding for over a decade after Voodoo, working on producing music for others rather than make his own. In late 2014, D’Angelo reemerged and released Black Messiah. The album has been a successful return to form for the artist, but the struggles on stage have returned just as quickly.

“I just want some of that gorgeous man,” said enthused fan, Regina Hamilton. “I became a woman to Voodoo. And now I’m ready to get my groove back with Black Messiah, child. I can’t have him wearing no shirts on stage. I paid good money to see that man’s body. If I don’t get it, I’m going to sue the hell out of his entertainment company, producer, booker – anyone I can until I see that him without his clothes.”

“I was hoping a little weight gain and time would have removed their interest,” said D’Angelo. Who has already had to stop three shows short due to fan interruptions. One show included a shower of boos and jeers until he took his shirt and scarf. “But ticket sales are down because fans are warning I’m not performing shirtless. I guess there’s just no running from it. We’re looking to change some of the dynamics of the show to fit fans’ needs.”

The dynamics D’Angelo mentioned include a two-story picture of him standing naked, as well as a hologram that will strip on stage during his shows. There is also an industrial size vacuum being used to collect undergarments thrown on stage by fans.

Kanye West Banned From All Future Public Awards Ceremonies

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kanye West has once again made a flub of a decision at the Grammys, and the higher-ups have come down hard on the performer/producer, banning him from all future award ceremonies.

In 2012, when Kanye West rushed the stage and embarrassed both himself and Taylor Swift at the Grammys, everyone assumed it was fluke incident. Most everyone felt Kanye probably had one too many to drink, and simply made the mistake of thinking he deserved to be on stage when he did not. The whole incident, while cringeworthy, was easy to forgive and move on from.

After his hopping onto the stage during Beck’s acceptance speech once again made headlines, the word came down to all the major news networks on Friday. The message could not be more clear: West is no longer welcome at any event that awards artists for their talents. He is not to be on the premises during the events, nor the after-parties, and may not attend any red-carpet pre-event galas.

“If it was anyone else it would have been fine,” said show director Ryan Donahue. “The fact that it was Kanye, again – and in the same distasteful manner – made it impossible to ignore.”

West later stated it was the voices in his head, pointing toward the move being tongue-in-cheek. However, the incident was equally cringeworthy as the original. Once again West seemed to believe he was imbued with an ability to do something that he was not, and to steal the spotlight from an artist. But to this point, West has not backed down.

“All respect to Beck, because he seems like a nice guy and all. But Beyonce made the best album of 2014. And just because she’s not a Scientologist, and only a part of the Illuminati, doesn’t mean she’s second class.”

Elderly Woman, 94, Gives Birth To Healthy Baby Girl

Posted on February 14, 2015 by katy_rev

BURNSVILLE, West Virginia –

94-year-old Margaret Holmwood from Burnsville, West Virginia gave a birth to a healthy baby girl yesterday morning, and both mother and baby are reportedly doing fine. The baby, named Mary, weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces.

Margaret Holmwood already has two previous children. Her first, Jeremy Halmwood, is now 62 years old, and her daughter, Jennifer, is 71. Reporters reached out to Jeremy to discuss how he felt about having a new sibling who is over 60 years younger than he is.

“Well, it’s a little bit strange, I admit, but my mother has always been an unconventional woman. She divorced my father and married a man 48 years younger her junior,” said Jeremy Halmwood. “Three years ago, she climbed Mount Everest. She dances cha-cha at at a local dance studio every other day. I’m not so very surprised. At least my grandchildren will have some company to play with.”

Doctors from St. Mary’s Medical Center are impressed with Hollwood’s strength and young spirit. “Mrs. Holmwood has lived a very healthy lifestyle. Even though she is 94, she has the body of a 40-year-old. The birth was simple, we encountered no difficulties. It’s incredible,” says Dr. Patrick Collins.

Holmwood is interested in Eastern philosophy. She practices yoga and tai chi, eats only organic vegetables and lots of rice. She claims this is the way to stay young and fit for many, many years. “In my free time, I dance, climb, cook vegan delights. I don’t sit in front of TV with a bag of chips. I feel full of energy, and I am ready to raise Mary now,” says Margaret. “They will certainly keep me young. I only hope these ol’ teats will still deliver. God knows that no baby likes powdered milk!”

According to the doctors, Holmwood is a proof that people could live longer and age slower.

“She’s a miracle of modern health and science,” said Dr. Collins. “I only hope that when I’m 94, I’m half as energetic as Margaret.”

Brian Williams Eyed To Replace Jon Stewart On ‘The Daily Show’

Posted on February 14, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In recent weeks, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams has come under fire after admitting to having lied about an incident in which he was shot down in a helicopter in Iraq. More of the journalist’s anecdotes have since come under fire, including a story of being held at gunpoint as a teenager, and flying with the undercover SEALS Team 6 into Baghdad.

But latest reports indicate that the disgraced journalist may have had an endgame in sight. After Jon Stewart announced his retirement from The Daily Show on Tuesday night, Williams has told press that he’s accepted an interview for the funny-man position as host of the Comedy Central nightly satire.

“Brian is the perfect person to replace Jon Stewart,” said former Daily Show correspondent John Oliver. “He spent 10 years on the Nightly News, proving that he can remain a stable host, even while reporting mostly made up stories. What’s more, he now has years of material for self-deprecating comedy. It’s ingenious.”

NBC executives have denied reports, stating that “although he has been suspended without pay, Brian Williams is still contracted to us. We now know that he is an arrogant liar and, well, a total douchebag, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s our douchebag.”

Williams himself was enigmatic. When he coincidentally passed by CNN offices, he took the opportunity to tell reporters about his personal experience on the original series of The Daily Show.

“I was Jon Stewart’s first interview. It was back in 1998, and I had inside info into the arrest of former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet. You see, not only was I there, but I actually clamped the handcuffs around his wrists. It was one of the greatest privileges of my career, even better than taking the first blow at the Berlin Wall, and being the only surviving passenger from that 4th hijacked plane in the 9/11 attacks. So I told Jon Stewart all the funny things that Pinochet had said. Oh, how we laughed.”

At time of press, footage of his Daily Show interview had yet to be located.