Kobe Bryant Announces Retirement From NBA

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kobe Bryant has made an official announcement through his publicist, Michelle Conway, stating that he will retire after this basketball season, with plans to enroll in adult acting classes to pursue his dream of becoming a Hollywood star.

Conway said in the statement that Bryant has always loved playing basketball, but said that his lifetime dream is to be an actor. “Kobe wants all of his fans to know that he is very grateful for the overwhelming support he has received over the years, but he wishes to go after his lifetime goal of being an actor,” Conway announced. “He has awards and championship rings up the wazoo, but his dream is to place an Oscar on his mantle. He sincerely hopes that his fans will understand, and continue to support him by seeing any and all of his future films.”

Former teammate Shaquille O’Neal stated that Bryant always talked about being an actor after he finished his career in basketball.

“He was always talking about how he wanted to be an actor when he ‘grew up.’ I wish him the best, he was good at the game, but showbiz is a totally different beast,” O’Neal said. “I don’t expect him to have it as easy as I did, it just came natural to me, like basketball does, but like everything else, he will have to just do what he has always done and fake his way through it, aiming for that gold. He should be all right in flicks.”

Bryant’s former coach Phil Jackson said that he believes in Kobe. “If he just uses the tools he learned as a player and finds peace within himself, keeps his mind open, and forever trusts in Buddah, he shall never fail,” Jackson commented.

Studio Admits ‘American Sniper’ Is Propaganda Film; Movie Was Commissioned By U.S. Government

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Warner Bros. Entertainment, in an announcement that surprised no one, admitted Wednesday that their box office hit, American Sniper, was actually a poorly disguised propaganda film commissioned by the US government.

“We don’t see it as shameful to be promoting patriotism in our beloved country,” said CEO Kevin Tsujihara. “Chris Kyle is someone we can be proud of. He was a true American hero, one who was willing to give up all qualms over what is moral and good to mindlessly kill individuals his country told him were the baddies.”

Director Clint Eastwood, however, denied that he knew anything about government intervention.

“Propaganda?” he yelled. “What’s this propaganda?! To have pride in your country is propaganda?! To do what it takes to save the lives of American citizens is propaganda?! Those liberals will be the death of us all!”

According to military sources, conscription to the armed forces has rocketed since the release of the obvious glorification of American interests.

“Since the film’s release, we’ve seen a massive increase in young men and women signing up for the Navy. Millions of people, so that film is working. And it’s not just the poor and aimless who are choosing to fight any longer,” an anonymous source told news outlets. “Privileged rich boys are giving up their lives to do whatever the current authorities have deemed is necessary. It’s a pleasant break from what we’re used to.”

While President Obama, along with other Democrat leaders, has distanced himself from reports on government involvement, certain Republicans have come out in defense and praise of the film that received six Oscar nominations.

“In all my years,” said former Vice President Dick Cheney, breathing heavily. “In all my years, I’ve never heard such anti-patriotism as is coming from the liberal left. American Sniper is itself an all-American victory. What others may call propaganda, I call spreading truth. What’s next? They’ll start calling Uncle Sam propaganda, that’s what’s next!”

Edward Norton Overdoses On Heroin While Researching A Film Role

Posted on February 10, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Famous Hollywood actor Edward Norton was hospitalized this morning after reportedly overdosing on heroin. Norton claims he is researching a role in an upcoming film in which he plays an heroin addict.

“When I take on a role, I take it all the way,” said Norton. “For Fight Club I learned to fight; I even went to bars and picked fights with guys just to get experience. For American History X, I bulked up and joined a skinhead group all in the name of research. Now that I’m going to play an heroin addict, it should come as no surprise to people that I started using heroin, only for research of course. I didn’t mean to overdose, but I guess thats part of the learning curve of being an addict. I’ve got to say, heroin is really, really good. I guess that’s how I ended up using too much, in the name of research. I want to thank all my fans for their well wishes and I’ll be alright once I get out of the hospital, so I can continue to research my role some more.”

“I have no idea what he is talking about,” said Norton’s agent, Saul Ruben. ”If there was a movie deal I would know about it. I certainly didn’t get him the deal. I find it a little odd that he’s researching something that no one has heard of. I’ll tell you though – he’s as method as they come. Seriously. For Death To Smoochy, he used to really wear his purple suit around, months at a time, and would only talk to children. He also beat the shit out of Robin Williams on a regular basis, just to keep them hating each other. He’s an extreme actor.”

“His career was in the toilet until Birdman came out last year, and now he’s on the fast track to win an Oscar. I was hoping he was making a comeback,” said movie critic Carmine Classi. ”Maybe he’s on to something, though. Next time my wife catches me cheating, I’ll tell her I’m researching infidelity.”

Netflix Announces Ability To Stream Adult Movies Beginning In April

Posted on February 6, 2015 by JP

LOS GATOS, California –

The massive movie streaming company Netflix is making a bold business decision, as they have decided to stream adult, erotic entertainment along with their slew of television shows and movies. The decision was made after executives began realizing that the market, although saturated on the web, was lacking on any streaming video service.

While the company has said previously that it was not their intent, Netflix did almost single-handedly take down video rental stores like Blockbuster, leaving consumers with a void for acquiring pornography.

“We are sorry-not-sorry that we killed the video stores across the country,” said Netflix CEO Gary Redbox. “Because we destroyed the way that a lot of consumers rented their porn, we have decided to replace that service by offering adult fare through our streaming service, in a new section called Netflixxx. From the comfort of ones own home, any customer of Netflix will be able to watch classic porn titles such as The Balls and The Beautiful, Schindler’s Fist, and How To Fuck A Mockingbird starring Gregory Pecker. These titles and more, at no extra streaming cost.”

While the pornography business is a billion dollar industry, even as most users find it free via the internet, several people in the adult industry are saying that they feel this is a great idea, and that any way that people can see their finished product is better for their bottom line.

“We certainly make a lot of titles. Not all of them are classics like The Cockfather, but even our compilation pornos are really sexy,” said adult filmmaker Dick Hardson. “People don’t seem to realize this, but Netflix pays out millions upon millions of dollars to film studios for the rights to show their movies. Now, Netflix is going to have to pay the porno industry millions – which means we can make way more movies! Hell, it only takes about 6 or 7 hours from first scene to fully complete film, so with this kind of money, we can make hundreds of movies a week!”

Netflix says that they expect the pricing for the customers to stay the same, or possibly even be lowered, as thousands of new customers are anticipated to sign up once the list of available porn titles is released.

Melissa McCarthy Says She’s ‘Spreading Her Acting Wings’ In Ghostbuster Reboot

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Melissa McCarthy says she is sick of playing the same role all the time. Now, she is ready to ‘spread her wings’ and take on a more challenging concept for the upcoming Ghostbusters reboot.

“I have been sitting uncomfortably in the same character for a long time,” the actress stated. “It’s time I come out of my shell, and show what I can really do.”

According to sources, McCarthy caused a stir when she told the producers of her decision to tackle a new dynamic in her acting prowess. Paul Feig, who is heading the project, had this to say about McCarthy’s decision.

“Obviously we hired her for a specific role type, and felt she was right for the character we had in mind. But, after she approached us about the character and her direction with it, we feel comfortable letting her expand the character.”

McCarthy, who came to fame for her roles in both TV and movies, said she wants to be more inspiring, both to herself and to others.

“I’ve just become so tired of playing the same shackled character. I think it’s time I really express myself, and stop playing such ‘between the lines’ kind of characters,” said McCarthy. “I want my new characters to be more brash, outspoken, and crass. No more having to try to figure out what my characters are all about. I’m tired of the subtly and unspoken dialogue I have to portrait. I’m going to make them sassy, bold, full-figured women. The meek characters are all over for me.”

When confused entertainment reporters asked McCarthy to expand on how she viewed her previous characters, she explained frankly, “Well, you know – you can only play the straight man for so long. Now it’s time for me to show my goofball side. I’m going to tickle the hell out of your funny bones in this one. Just wait! It’s going to be a side of me that you never thought you’d see.”

Liam Neeson To Co-Star With Denzel Washington In ‘Pulp Fiction’ Remake Directed By Martin Scorsese

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

UNIVERSAL CITY, California –

Ronald Meyer, COO of Universal Pictures, announced yesterday that silver screen tough guys Liam Neeson and Denzel Washington have both signed on for the highly anticipated remake of Pulp Fiction, to be directed by the legendary Martin Scorsese.

“I am extremely excited to finally make the news official. The idea, actually pitch by original director Quentin Tarantino, was sort of a joke turned into a stroke of mad genius,” Meyer said. “Quentin called me one day after we had been out for drinks, and said ‘I was joking when I said it, but imagine, Scorsese, Liam Neeson and Denzel, it’d be freaking gold!’ he shouted through the phone. Together we sort of manifested this beast of an idea, and low and behold, they all loved it and wanted to do it.”

Tarantino, who will act as an Executive Producer, was held responsible for calling and recruiting Neeson. “It was nerve- wracking, calling Liam. He is always interesting, though. So I called the guy, and he sounded pissed, a scary calm, but super angry kind of voice, ya know? He said ‘Look, you little freak, I don’t want to be in your little movie. I will never play opposite Denzel Washington. In fact, if you call here again, I will find you, and I will kill you.’ I sat there silent, debating whether or not to hang up the phone for like 30 seconds, trembling, and then he burst out laughing. “Gotcha good, Quentin! Hell yes, I would love to do it!’ I was like a little kid in a candy store after that,” Tarantino said. “My job is done, so now I can sit back and enjoy the ride.”

The remaining casting has not been completed according to Meyer. “We are probably looking at winter of 2016 mega-release. It will be huge,” he said.

‘Sleepless In Seattle’ Remake Announced Starring Colin Hanks And Meg Ryan

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Miramax announced today a remake or the 1993 hit film Sleepless in Seattle, and Meg Ryan has already signed on to the project. Filming is expected to begin in early spring.

“We are excited to remake Sleepless, and add in a little modern day twist,” said Louis DeCarlo, Miramax Executive. ”Meg Ryan will be playing her original role as Annie Reed, but now she is a 53-year-old widower. Her daughter, without her knowledge, will sign her up on a cougar dating site. Of the hundreds of replies one will stick out, a 37-year-old man from Seattle, played by Colin Hanks. Thats all I want to give away now, but I can tell you there will be a meeting on top of the Empire State Building on Valentine’s day.”

“I’m really excited to make this film over again. To be honest, my phone’s not exactly ringing off the hook anymore with starring roles,” said Meg Ryan. ”In Hollywood, once you lose your looks, all thats left to play is the nosy neighbor or a crazy cat lady. Or I suppose, in this case, a cougar.”

“This is my biggest role yet,” said Colin Hanks, when asked about preparing for the remake. “It’s been hard, sometimes, living in my father’s [Tom Hanks] shadow. This was a big hit for Dad, so I’m really hoping this remake launches my career to the next level.”

“Why don’t they leave classics alone for God’s sake?” said online reviewer and movie buff Carmine Classi. ”I mean, come on – Meg Ryan? I think we would all like to remember her as young, sex, and great jerk-off material. She’s aged worse than a pig in shit, or whatever that metaphor is. I can tell you right now, it ain’t pretty. I’d believe her as a cougar, but I don’t believe Colin Hanks as an interested young man.”

meg-ryan-hot — Meg Ryan circa 1993, when the original ‘Sleepless In Seattle’ was released

Academy Standing Strong Behind Nominating ‘Old White Men’ For Oscars

Posted on January 31, 2015 by ZGHarris

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Some anonymous Oscar voters have decided enough is enough. After being ridiculed by the public for their award choices, many have taken a very bold and surprising stance.

The 2015 Oscar choices have been criticized for pandering to a particular demographic of “Old White Men.” Many in the media assumed there would be some consideration as to whether the voters themselves may be too skewed into the particular demographic. Given today’s politically-correct society, many in the media also assumed the Academy would take the criticism seriously, and may be interested in considering a change of pace. Apparently that not on their agenda.

“Look, you got these people that think they know what making a movie is,” said one voter. “But the reality is that old white men have been making movies a lot longer than other demographics. They know what they are doing. You don’t get mad at Italians for making better Italian food than everyone else, do you? So why get mad at White men just because they’re excelling at what they are good at?”

The group of voters has remained mostly anonymous for quite some time. It was thought that keeping them anonymous keeps the voters from being bribed and swayed. However, a study found that over three quarters of the voters were white, and the median age was over 60 years old. Many believe that there is enough history to show that old white men in anonymous groups that wield power may not be the best idea.

Some are now openly worried about the direction of the Academy, and many are losing hope that there will be a better system anytime soon. The group now seems to have become entrenched, and are backing its members. They also appear to be emboldened by their anonymity.

A second voter summed it up by stating, “We aren’t just random voters. We’re intelligent white men. Who else would you trust to vote on a subjective art than us? We have years of movie-watching experience under our belts. We can’t help it if Clint Eastwood makes the best movies out there. Others simply have to just get better at what they do.”

Sequel to ‘The Interview’ Green-Lit, Film To Mock Vladimir Putin

Posted on January 28, 2015 by thebluntman

CULVER CITY, California –

One thing that’s always been a given in Hollywood is that studio executives love controversy, money, and pissing off world leaders. A decision by Sony Pictures on Monday confirmed what many had worried – a sequel to The Interview will be made, with a slated release date of October, 2016.

Blandly called The Interview 2, the likely-to-be-controversial film will feature the same cast, including Seth Rogen and James Franco. The plot of the film is reported to be based on the duo gaining an interview with Russian President Vladimir Putin, with shenanigan-filled attempts to end his life. The upcoming movie is already being referred to as a “ballsy move,” from competitors like Universal Studios, and “extremely stupid” by Lionsgate Films.

The new movie’s screenwriter, Mitchell Greenberg, believes his idea is just what America needs for moving into 2016. “The world is just getting crazier and crazier, with more secret threats from rival countries every day,” Greenberg said. “Why not poke fun at Putin before he blows us up? It’s going to happen sometime anyway. Who knows, maybe I’ll be known as the man who made Vladimir Putin laugh.”

Many people, although annoyed that America is trying to re-live a threat, think that perhaps the movie is needed to assert the power of the United States. Mathias Perry, an opinion columnist from Arkansas said, “We need to show those foreign bastards that we as Americans have power, and we are not afraid to use it. Above all, it’s just a movie and isn’t meant to be taken seriously. If this thing starts World War III, then at least it was started before the number and power of nuclear weapons increased anymore.”

Carla Bronson of New York City highly opposes the creation of the sequel. “Letting stupid people like these screenwriters run free is what will destroy our country, and potentially destroy the world! If there’s nothing good to say, don’t say it at all.”

Neither Russian president Putin, nor anyone on his staff, had a comment on Sony’s announcement of the new film.

Will Ferrell, Tina Fey To Star In Sequel To ‘The Notebook’

Posted on January 26, 2015 by DesireeAmber

HOLLYWOOD, California –

After years of anticipation, fans of Nicolas Sparks will be excited to hear the Notebook 2 novel will be released on Valentine’s Day of this year. Coming as no surprise to anyone, the no-doubt tear-jerker of a book already has a film deal inked in Hollywood, and New Line Cinema has announced they have signed actors Will Ferrell and actress Tina Fey to the project.

“We felt that these two marvelous, amazing, superb actors could use a more serious project to add to their colorful resumes, adding just a touch of romance into their portfolio,” said New Line CEO Hal Goldbrook. “We, too, had heard the rumors of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston being signed to this film, hoping to reunite the once power couple – at least on screen – but the signing of Ferrell and Fey is one to look forward to, we can promise you that.”

“I am elated to be starring in this movie. Both myself and Will look forward to a great time romancing each other over an entire summer while filming,” said Fey. “The book, which we got some advanced copies of, is a true Sparks’ masterpiece.” While the popular actress typically works in a comedic atmosphere, this romantic drama is sure to be outstanding, as a source close to the production tells Empire News that with the film’s script and production, it’s shaping up to be far better than the original.

“The story is set to begin with a couple who are in their early 30’s, the coming of adulthood, and indulging in their crazy relationship. It’s going to work really well with Tina and I, for sure. As actors, we can play anything, and pretending to be a young couple, I think it will be very believable. With scenes depicting their children, struggles, and everyday work and home life in the 1960’s,” said Ferrell. “It’s some really deep stuff. I’ve never seen the original, because I don’t really like movies, but from what I hear, it was pretty good. No doubt this will be better. Much better cast this time around.”

“The film is being made by the same Producer, Lynn Harris, and director Nick Cassavetes, to capture the same great chemistry created with the 2004 original release,” said Goldbrook. “The film will be filming this summer, and will hit theatres in time for next Valentine’s Day.”