Man Creates Indiegogo Campaign To Pay For His Assisted Suicide

Posted on April 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

A Portland, Oregon man has set up a crowdfunding page to help him pay for the expenses associated with his assisted suicide, including finding a doctor who will attend the event, as well as associated funeral costs.

Jimmy Rogers, 70, says that he has “absolutely nothing” left to live for, and wants to kill himself, but do it “properly,” according to the Portland Press Gazette and Herald.

“I have lived here in Oregon my entire life. My wife is gone, we never had any kids, and I’m just sitting around, getting older by the minute,” said Rogers. “A friend of mine down at the rectory turned me on to the internet about 6 months ago. Fascinating thing, that internet. Anyway, I discovered a page where you can ask people to give you money, just like that, without doing a damn thing to earn it.”

Rogers says he saw a lot of people had received donations on everything from operations for their cat to a new pair of sneakers, all of which he referred to as “straight horse shit.”

“If these people want a pair of sneakers, they need to go out and get a damn job,” said Rogers. “That said, though, if people are just going to throw money at nothing, they might as well throw it at me.”

Rogers says he is seeking $15,000, which will pay for the doctor and his after-death expenses, with a little left over to send to his friend Roy, who is the person who helped Rogers set up his first computer.

Cell Phone Carriers Secretly Adding Data Overage Charges To Bills

Posted on April 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After a year-long study conducted by the FCC, today it was announced that every single major cell phone carrier in the United States has been secretly adding extra data charges to the bills of customers, in a scheme to make more money that was allegedly concocted by the CEOs of each company.

“All the carriers have been found to be in cahoots,” said FCC spokesman Mario Redding. “They have all conspired to add costs to the bills of their customers. Sometimes, it was only a matter of a few cents. In other cases, it was several dollars, and in rare instances, it was upwards of twenty or thirty dollars in overage charges. We are still investigating the matter.”

Redding says that his job over the last year is to comb through the bills of cell phone customers, as well as the billing practices of the carriers, looking for over charging patterns.

“We expected to see very few instances of gouging, but instead, we saw it on every single bill that we looked at, going back over several years,” said Redding.

The FCC is still investigating the charges, but they did say that a layman would “never notice” the charges on his bill, because they don’t just show up as overages.

“These companies, they’re stupid, but they’re not that stupid,” said Redding. “They have their ways, and we’ve caught on, and notices have been filed. If you think you’re getting ‘free’ data on your carrier’s plan, think again. Nothing is free, nothing is unlimited. There’s always a catch, you just have to find it.”

Sallie Mae Forced To Forgive Student Debt To Over 100 Million Students

Posted on April 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Sallie Mae, the leading scam group of vile assholes to whom more than 250 million people owe their lives and money to, is being forced by the United States government to forgive the debt of nearly 100 million current and former students, thanks to new laws passed by President Obama.

According to the White House press release, Sallie Mae will be forced to wipe the slate clean for nearly 100 million students, as it was found that the company used lies and deceitful tactics in securing loan repayments from people.

“I was told that if I paid $50, that I could have an extra six months to start payments, because I was out of school, but hadn’t started work yet,” said Mark Downs, a former student at UCLA. “I paid the $50, and then a month later I get calls from collection agencies. Sallie Mae had turned me over to outside headhunters to get their money. When I told them that Sallie Mae had said I’d have six more months, the rep for the new company said, ‘yeah, they tell that to everyone.'”

Those kinds of practices lead president Obama to work with congress to secure laws that would not allow for-profit companies like Sallie Mae to deal directly with students, causing most debt to be wiped away.

“This company, and several others, have lied people to and falsified information, and they deserve to be punished,” said President Obama in the press release. “We have worked extremely hard to make it so that people who have been hurt financially and emotionally by this company do not have to pay money that, in other circumstances, they would have been able to pay.”

There is currently no word on when or how the program will be put into effect.

New Study Finds That Babies Fed Formula Over Breastmilk More Likely To Become Gay

Posted on April 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PERKINS, Iowa –

A study performed by scientists at the Perkins Institute of Genetic Studies in Iowa found that children that are fed powdered or liquid formula are more likely to become gay than babies who are fed breastmilk.

The study, which was performed over 20 years at the Perkins Institute followed 200 different babies from the time they were born until the time they were 20 years old. Dr. Sam Klein, who was the lead on the study, said that a whopping 89% of the babies who were given formula turned out to be homosexual.

“There is such a thing as correlation, and there is such a thing as causation, and with these overwhelming numbers, we believe that formula is a direct cause of homosexuality,” said Dr. Klein. “The chemical known as Benozite Carbon, which makes up a large portion of formula, seems to be to blame.”

Benozite Carbon is not found in natural breastmilk, but is needed to lengthen the shelf life of formulas.

Dr. Klein says that they are beginning their second study, which will follow new children, and plans to release his findings in medical journals this summer.

Inmate Sues Prison System After Saying Multiple Assaults ‘Turned Him Gay’

Posted on April 13, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARSON CITY, Nevada –

Johnny “Rebel” Wilson, 30, is an inmate in the Carson City prison system in Nevada, and has been since he was 19. Wilson was convicted of slaughtering his entire family in 2004, and is serving a life sentence. Wilson claims now, though, that the last decade of rapes and attacks he has been inflicted with has “turned him gay,” and he is suing the prison system.

“I weren’t no faggot when I came into jail, but I been getting raped so long and so hard, that now all I can do is think about sweet, fat cock,” said Wilson. “I don’t wanna be no queer, and this shit ain’t right. It’s the prison’s fault for making me a gay. Hell they don’t even give these guys no condoms, so I have to take it raw. That’s probably why I’m so gay now. If they at least had condoms, I probably wouldn’t have gotten the gay this bad.”

Lawyers for Wilson say that he doesn’t have much of case, but that his homies on the outside are coercing them into taking the job.

“Obviously Mr. Wilson was gay before he came to prison, as it’s pretty common knowledge that you’re either born gay, or you’re not, but no matter what we tell him, Mr. Wilson insists that the prison is to blame,” said attorney Joseph A. Goldsmith. “We can’t talk him out of this lawsuit, so we’re moving forward at his request.”

Goldsmith says that his client is seeking monetary damages of $15 million for his sudden “gayness,” and says that the strain and stress has been so bad, that he deserves to be let out of prison with a full pardon.

Stephen King Says That His Next Book Will Be A Romantic Comedy

Posted on April 13, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

Stephen King is one of the best-selling writers of all time, with every single one of his 57 novels becoming #1 New York Times best sellers. The author has said, though, that his next book will be a huge change from his normal dark, scary, and personal stories. His next novel will be a romantic comedy.

“I’ve been writing horror and drama for so long, that I really feel like I need to change things up,” said King from his home in Bangor, Maine. “I’ve been the master of the macabre for as long as I can remember, and I think with my next outing, I want to become the King of the Kissing, or something.”

King, who is best known for his horror stories including It, Misery, and Pet Sematary, says that some of his all-time favorite movies are romance or comedies, and that trying his hand at writing a “different” kind of novel will hopefully stretch his imagination to places it hasn’t gone before.

“I love all types of media, and I love all kinds of genres,” said King. “Comedies, romance, horror, sci-fi, action – I read them all, I go to see movies of all of them, and I watch TV shows in every genre. The one thing I’ve never done is try to take my love of multiple genres and really release something I can honestly say is not personal piece. This next book will be that piece.”

Coca-Cola To Bring Back Original Recipe Soda Made With Cocaine

Posted on April 11, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

For years, Coca-Cola has been the only company in the world with government licensing to import the coca plant, the same one used in making cocaine, for use in their products. The company literally “de-cocanizies” the plants, and uses natural extracts of them to create the “natural flavors” of the soda. All that changes, though, next month, when Coca-Cola brings back their original recipe, which no longer takes the cocaine out of the coca plant.

“Back in the day, the original recipe for Coca-Cola called for actual cocaine extract, as it was a medicine and not a drink,” said company CEO Reed Sterling. “We plan to bring back that original recipe, and market it as a beverage. In this day and age, kids are looking for the next hot, new beverage. We believe Original Coca-Cola will be that drink.”

Sterling says that the normal price of the beverage, which is approximately $2 on average for a 2-liter, will, of course, drastically increase.

“Unfortunately, with these awesome changes we’re making, a market increase will naturally have to occur,” said Sterling. “The current average price of $2 will be closer to $30 based on the amount of cocaine we will be using per batch, per bottle, but we really feel that our consumers will enjoy the taste of what we’re calling Coca-Caineola.”

The new beverage is expected to hit shelves next month, in direct competition with PepsiCo’s new Pepsi 1893, which is made with real kola extract and natural sugars.

Beer Drinkers More Likely To Die Young, Have Miserable Lives, Says Study

Posted on April 11, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard School Of Study in Boston have recently released their findings about beer drinkers, something that the team says they have been working on for many years.

“College is a place of learning, but mostly, it’s a place to party, drink beers, and get laid,” said research head Joey Goldsmith. “We decided to study the effects of drinking beer on people’s lives, and follow the same study group over the course of 20 years.”

Goldsmith says that the study proved conclusively that beer drinkers die younger than non-beer drinkers, and that most of them go on to lead miserable, messy lives.

“We followed 50 party kids who spent most of their nights drinking, and 50 nerds, who spent their college careers working towards their goals,” said Goldsmith. “After 20 years with these people, 42 of our 50 beer drinkers were dead, and the other 8 were in rehab, prison, or homeless. Of the 50 studious people we followed, every single one had good jobs, good families, and 4 of them became millionaires in business.”

According to Goldsmith, the more beer someone drinks, the more likely they are to die young or become a “complete and total wreck.”

“I strongly suggest that if you’re going to college and you want to party, then stick to smoking weed,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, really, isn’t that the better option anyway?”

Premature Baby Dies After Parents Try To Put Her Back Inside Mom

Posted on April 10, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GARDNER, Indiana –

A young couple, Mark and Jessica Grover, both 24, were arrested after they called 911 to report that their baby had died. The couple had given birth at home only a few hours before, and accidentally killed their child after trying to insert her back inside Jessica’s vagina.

“This couple knew that their baby wasn’t due for another 6 weeks, and they panicked, thinking that something was wrong,” said police chief Mario Ruben. “Instead of calling for an ambulance, they tried to push the baby back up inside of the mother, causing severe brain and spinal damage to the baby. Unfortunately, it died before paramedics arrived.”

Chief Reuben says that both parents are being charged with negligent homicide, and that they are still in custody.

“I know that people are having children younger and younger these days, but these parents had been doing everything right – going to their appointments, mom was eating healthy, and the baby just came early, and they didn’t know what to do,” said chief Reuben. “It’s extremely sad that this happened, but a crime was committed none-the-less. Please, if you’re having a baby, do not try to put it back. It’s not a Thanksgiving turkey. They will come when they come, and that’s one oven you can’t put something back into.”

Glacéau SmartWater Plans To Mine Antarctic Ice Caps For Fresh, Colder Water

Posted on April 10, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

SmartWater, everyone’s favorite overpriced bottled beverage, say that they now have plans to mine into the melting antarctic ice caps so that they can get water that is more fresh, and always ice cold.

“The ice caps in Antarctica are melting, thanks mostly to global warming,” says Glacéau CEO June Hastings. “Because of this, we are able to get up there, and get some of the coldest, most refreshing water on the face of the planet, and it will become our next level of SmartWater brands.”

The company says that they are “overjoyed” with the effects of global warming, because it has led them to be able to get this water that would otherwise be unattainable.

“Currently, you’re paying $2 or $3 a bottle for our product, and it’s basically filtered tap water,” said Hastings. “With this new colder water, which is more expensive to mine, expect for that price to rise substantially, but for it to be totally worth it.”