U.S. Teens Abusing Epidurals In Dangerous New Drug Trend

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Already stricken with a massive heroin epidemic, many towns in New England are shocked to hear of a dangerous new trend by their local teenage drug users – unregulated epidurals.

The drug, given to pregnant women as an injection in the spine during childbirth, provides an almost completely immobile state, and teens say it’s one of the “best highs” they’ve ever experienced.

“Oh hell yeah man, I’ve done the Eps a few times now, and it’s fucking great,” said Joey Goldsmith, 16. “I used to just smoke weed, maybe some ‘shrooms once in a while, but then my buddy turned me onto Eps, and I can’t get enough of it. Your whole body goes numb, you can’t move. Hell, sometimes I even shit myself without knowing it. Best high ever, bro.”

Doctors say that epidurals, although mostly safe under controlled conditions in hospitals, does carry risks, especially when being injected by non-experienced users.

“Heroin was bad enough. We see so many ODs, but we also get infections from bad injections,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, of the Concord General Hospital in Concord, New Hampshire. “With epidurals, the needle actually has to go directly into the spine, and it’s very complicated. Someone could be permanently paralyzed if they were injected improperly.”

“I’ve had probably 15 epidurals this week alone,” said user Joanne Couch, 14. “It’s really intense. I can’t move my legs at all, and I can barely move my hands. Lots of times, I take it, and then the guys I’m with have sex with me, but I can’t stop them, because I can’t move. I guess it’s rape, but I don’t really mind, because Eps are awesome. So much fun having someone stick you in the spine. It’s like tickles all over, but on the inside. It’s fun!”

Health officials warn that if your teen is taking epidurals, they may have some severe mental health problems.

“Ask your children if they have experienced an epidural, or Eps, as the kids call it, and get them help immediately,” said Brown.

Philanthropist Offers ‘Apple Picking’ To Local School Kids; Puts Macbooks In Trees

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

A wealthy philanthropist has opened up his apple farm to a group of local school children, but there is a twist to this day of apple picking – Bangor businessman Joe Goldsmith has had over 2,000 Apple Macbook Pro computers put into the trees around his property, letting the children ‘pick’ as many as they would like.

“I like to give back to the community once in a while,” said Goldsmith, who in past years has donated more than $2 million dollars to local schools, churches, and charities. “This year, I wanted it to be something fun. Cost me about $4 million or so to do this, but shit, kids need computers, and so I put some in the Apple trees. Made me laugh, and pretty much everything I do in life is to amuse myself, really.”

Goldsmith says that along with each computer, the children are certainly allowed to fill up as many bags of actual, edible apples as they would like.

“Oh, yeah, they can eat those, whatever,” said Goldsmith. “I think they’re too busy trying to grab as many computers as they can, though.”

Goldsmith reportedly made his money over a very long career of drug dealing, money laundering, and prostitution, before turning to real estate – a fact that seems to not bother any of the parents who brought their children “Apple picking.”

“Oh, I don’t care where the money came from, all I care about is getting a free computer or two,” said father Marc Jones, whose son, Kenny, had already picked 9 computers from the trees. “This is the most fun Kenny has had in ages. I’m hoping he gets at least another 4 or 5 computers down – we can sell them and make a killing!”

Couple Arrested At Serta Mattress Store For Having Sex On Beds

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

A young couple, Jeanne and Robert Maitland, were arrested Sunday afternoon after they were caught having sexual intercourse in public in a Serta mattress store.

According to police reports, the Maitlands were told that they were allowed to “test” the beds before purchasing, but that the couple took it way too far.

“They came in, and seemed like every other normal couple who are looking for a new mattress,” said store manager Mark Jacobs. “They tested a couple beds, laid down in a few, and asked if they could just talk it over, so I said ‘sure,’ and went to help another customer who had come in.”

It was when Jacobs walked away that the Maitlands apparently got very busy trying out the beds, reportedly stripping completely nude and fornicating in the middle of the display room.

“It was shocking, and more than a little erotic,” said customer Barry Windham, who was there with his wife of 40 years, Marlene. “I say, I didn’t expect to really be purchasing a mattress that day, but after I saw what the Serta Perfect Sleeper bed could withstand, I ordered one on the spot. Marlene and I will have a hell of a time trying to reenact what that couple was doing, but we’re sure as shit gonna try.”

Police say that the Maitlands are set to be arraigned later this week. They are being charged with felonious public display of nudity. Sentencing could get the couple up to 10 years each.

‘Trendy’ Parents Won’t Acknowledge Baby’s Gender, Say ‘Let Baby Decide’

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

A new trend rising among young parents is to not acknowledge their new baby’s gender based on their genitalia, saying that referring to a young child as “he” or “she” could be considered ableist and transphobic.

“Our new baby has female genitalia, but we do not say ‘she’ when referring to it,” said mother Amanda Barnes, 21. “We don’t know if Baby Pat will choose to be a woman or man as it gets older, and we are definitely not forcing any stereotypes onto our child. That is disgusting.”

Many new parents say that they have decided to not provide gender information even to their own relatives, instead asking that their children be referred to as “babyself.”

“I have two children, a 3-year-old and a newborn baby, and we refer to them as ‘toddlerself’ and ‘babyself,’ because no one is putting labels on my children, not even me,” said Leslie Jones, 26, of Los Angeles. “When they are old enough to choose what gender they want to be, then that’s when we’ll start using proper pronouns. For now, they’re just baby and toddler.”

When asked why she did not name her children, Jones says that would be going “too far.”

“If I chose the wrong name, based on their genitalia and not their chosen gender, what would that make me look like as a parent? As a human being?” said Jones. “That’s disgusting, and no parents should be naming their children. You can’t choose gender, and you shouldn’t choose names, either.”

Woman Uses Hologram Technology To Have Dead Father Walk Her Down Wedding Aisle

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MONTREAL, Quebec, Canada –

A Montreal woman used some amazing technology last weekend to make sure that she would have the dream wedding that she’d always imagined.

Mariah Johnson, 30, married her longtime boyfriend, James, in a ceremony in Montreal last weekend. What normally would have been a very nice, quiet ceremony was made into a media event when Mariah surprised everyone by having a hologram of her father walk her down the aisle.

“My father, Joseph, God rest his soul, died when I was 19,” said Johnson, an advertising executive. “My entire adult life, I’ve wished that my dad would be there to walk me down the aisle, but I knew it would never be. Then, a couple years ago, something crazy happened, and I set a major plan into action.”

The ‘something crazy’ that Johnson referred to was the 2Pac performance at Coachella in 2013. The long-dead rapper appeared as a hologram, and went on stage to ‘perform’ with other major stars at the event, including Eminem.

“I am a big fan of rap music, especially 2Pac, and that hologram got me thinking,” said Johnson. “If they could put on a big performance with sound and dancing, I could definitely got a hologram of dad for my wedding.”

Johnson said that she contacted several hologram companies throughout the US and Canada until she found one that she was happy with. The total cost? Approximately a quarter of a million dollars.

“I know that even with my good job, this wedding has put us in debt for the next 17 years, but that’s okay. Dad was there, and it was great,” said Johnson. “If only the digital tears we programmed were real, so I could have wiped them away and told him not to worry about me. James will take care of me. But somehow, I think hologram Daddy knows that.”

‘Clock Kid’ Becomes Biggest Selling Halloween Costume Of All Time

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

The ‘clock kid’ look has just become the most sought-after and biggest selling Halloween costume of all time, selling 29.7 million times on Amazon in the last 48 hours, according to reports.

“We can’t believe how many costumes we sold,” said costume designer Jim Meyer of Costume Company, Inc. “It’s staggering. I’m not sure how we will even make all the suitcase bombs…er, I mean ‘clocks,’ in time for the holiday.”

Clock Kid, which is based on a recent major headline involving a scam artist teen who built a hoax bomb and brought it to school, was originally slated to be banned by most online retailers, after a couple people started a petition, calling it “racist.” More proof that money talks, though, when it comes to major companies, the rapid sales changed the minds of Amazon, and others.

“Oh, we definitely want it to be available, no matter how racist it is, or isn’t, depending on how you look at it,” said Amazon spokesman Rett Tyler. “I mean, I’m not offended by it, so I couldn’t possibly care less. We’ve sold approximately a half a billion dollars worth of this costume in the last couple days. There are going to be a ton of Clock Kids coming to your door for candy this Halloween.”

According to HalloweenWatch.edu, ‘Clock Kid’ may hold the world record for biggest-selling costume of all time. It has reportedly already passed ghost, witch, and cowboy in children’s costumes, as well as sexy nurse, sexy maid, and sexy schoolgirl in the adult costume world.

“If this stays huge into next Halloween, we’ll also be releasing a ‘sexy clock kid’ version of the costume as well,” said Meyer. “This is a damn goldmine.”

There is no word from Clock Kid himself, Ahmed Mohammed, on how he feels about the costume, although more than likely, he and his family are just upset that they are entitled to any royalties.

Homosexuality To Be Placed Back On APA List Of Mental Disorders

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAKE SAINT LOUIS, Missouri –

In 1952, the American Psychiatric Association listed homosexuality as a ‘mental disorder’ in their official guides to psychiatric medicine. It remained on the books for over 20 years, being removed in 1973. Now, 40 years later, the APA has decided, after decades of study, to place homosexuality back on the list of mental disorders.

“We removed the ‘diagnosis’ in 1973, because we were just coming out of the 60s. You know, free love, everyone was screwing everybody, and a lot of the APA members back then, they’d done a lot of acid and a ton of ecstasy, and they had just had sex with anything,” said APA president Joseph Goldsmith. “APA men were doing other APA men, and it was a trying time. Because of the experimentation of the 60s, we removed homosexuality as being a mental illness. Mostly because none of these APA members wanted to be thought of us mentally unstable.”

Goldsmith says that they have decided to place homosexuality back into their official list of mental disorders, because new research has determined that it is, in fact, not ‘normal’ to be gay.

“People think it’s genetic or something, but it’s definitely not,” said Goldsmith. “We know they’re not born that way, and we know that no one in their right mind would choose to be gay…and if they’re not in their right mind, then they are, in the simplest of terms, mentally ill.”

Goldsmith says that although ‘all the gays’ will now be technically classified as mentally ill, there are some upsides.

“Now they can score medical marijuana, as a possible relief from their mental illness, so that’s a big plus,” said Goldsmith. “Sadly, they will no longer be able to marry, because they don’t have the mental capacity to sign anything, regardless of federal rule. But hell, you win some, you lose some, right?”

Secret E-Mails Reveal ‘E-Z Pass’ Toll Payment System Tracks Your Travel

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A slew of emails between anonymous officials has revealed a shocking truth about E-Z Pass, the electronic toll payment system used by millions of Americans every day. According to the documents, the E-Z Pass system was secretly set up by the U.S. Government to help track and monitor individuals as they travel.

“The system has been in place for over 25 years, and it has helped us to watch over everyone,” said one of the e-mails. “We believe that a spread of E-Z Pass throughout the entire country would help to further our needs of collecting and storing data.”

“It’s crazy! I already have my aluminum hat on, I’ve taped over the mic and camera on my laptop, and I even cancelled my internet so the government didn’t know what kind of porn I was jerking it to…and now I can’t even drive anywhere?! It’s crazy!” said E-Z Pass user Mike Pooler. “The government is on to us! They’re on to us, and they’re coming for our women, our children, and especially our guns!”

Supposedly set up just to make traffic flow easier by tying a small box, read by a machine at every toll both, to your checking account or bank card, E-Z Pass users have said that, as of late, they have felt “less safe” using the device. It isn’t just the government that may be tracking your location, though. According to some users, E-Z Pass may also be selling your travel data to advertising companies.

“I used to drive everywhere, and just throw some quarters in a slot, and all was right with the world,” said Joe Goldsmith, a former E-Z Pass user. “When E-Z Pass came out, it was great – you barely even need to slow down. I noticed more recently, though, that whenever I travelled, I’d come home and I’d have emails about places I’d visited. Or I would get unsolicited mail about new hotels in areas I had just been. It scared the hell out of me. I threw my E-Z Pass away.”

Trump Says After He’s Elected, He’ll Finally Rid World Of ‘Biggest Problem’

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has announced that when he is elected president next year, he will finally get rid of the problems that have been plaguing the entire world, and his sights are set on something very close to home: his toupée.

“I understand that my hair looks like a Troll doll, or a cat’s ass, or a hamster trying to escape a cage,” said Trump. “When I am elected next year…when I am elected…I will finally be removing my toupée, and I will be going bald.”

Trump says that he has decided to remove the hairpiece as a movement of solidarity – not only with bald men everywhere, but with the entire nation who has mocked and ridiculed him.

“The whole country has made jokes at my expense, and many of them revolved around my hair,” said Trump. “If I am going to fix this country, then I need to fix the joking, and so that means getting rid of this fake hair. There will never again be Hell Toupée after I’m elected.”

Woman Creates Indiegogo Page To Raise Money For Abortion

Posted on October 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

A 26-year-old Sacramento woman has turned to social media and crowd funding to cover the costs for what she says is a ‘medical emergency.’

“I really, really need an abortion,” says Kimberly Johnson on her Indiegogo page. “It’s going to cost about $700 at the clinic, and I don’t have a cent to my name. I don’t know which guy to go after to help pay for the processes, so anything you can donate would really help me out. Please share or donate today.”

The Indiegogo page was started by Johnson last week, and has so far raised only $2 dollars.

“I don’t know if people just don’t want to help, or if they’re not happy with my rewards options,” said Johnson when reached for comment. “I don’t have anything to give. If they donate $5 they get a personal ‘thank you’ through my Twitter. If they donate $100, they will actually get a piece of the fetus that they suck outta me. It’s really the only thing I’ve got to give, you know?”

According to Indiegogo policies, anyone can use their site for anything that want to raise money for, but a person will only get the money if they reach their goal. Johnson’s goal is $1,000.

“I know that the goal is actually a little more than the abortion is going to cost, but I figured while I’m at it, I could really use a new TV. The one I have now broke when my drunk ex threw a Wii-mote at it, and when you’re unemployed and living rent-free in the basement of your friend’s house, TV is really the only thing to keep you happy.”

Johnson’s Indiegogo funding ends on November 13th, which is only 2 days before she’d be too far along to end her pregnancy according to California law. “It’s down to the wire, but I could always just skip over to Nevada if need be. They have more lenient laws about abortions. I’ve had 4 or 5 there already.”