Man Uses Bent iPhone 6 To Free Baby From Locked Car

Posted on December 19, 2014 by mike the inkman

TAHLEQUAH, Oklahoma –

Good news today for Apple and their latest flagship product, as a loyal ‘iFan’ was able to turn an engineering scandal into a stroke of genius and save a baby’s life in the process. Mark Mahone, a part-time model and actor from Tahlequah, Oklahoma was walking through a local mall parking lot on the way to his car,when he spotted a woman waving frantically.

“She just ran up to me, all frantic like,” Mahone recounts. “She was screaming ‘my baby is locked in the car!’ over and over. Real uptight sounding. So I walk over to the car with her and sure enough, the baby was locked in the dang car. Well, as an actor I once played a criminal on a second-rate TV show, and my scene involved unlocking a car with a slim jim, which is basically just a flat piece of metal that is bent just right at the end. Tensions are running kinda high though, and I can’t think of a thing I can use to unlock the car.”

According to Mahone, he was seconds away from merely smashing the woman’s window with his hands or face, but another idea came to him instead.

“Then it hit me. I got the iPhone 6 plus! I figured I could bend it jussstt right, like I saw on all the bad reviews that I didn’t get to read because I bought it on day-1 at the midnight release. Anyway, so I bent her good, right then and there. It was real easy since it’s not a real sturdy phone. It took a couple of seconds, but I popped the lock and she was able to get her baby. Before I knew it, there was a reporter there, asking me questions. Said I was a hero and stuff.”

Other bystanders remember it a little differently. Thad Henry, a local mechanic, was also on the scene.

“This lady locks her kid in the car. Total dumbass move. Too busy texting like an idiot. Then this other dude comes along and bends his $900 dollar piece of Apple shit into a slim jim. Typical iPhone dumbass – it’s a phone, dude! He never even thought to just call the police. Neither did the mom, apparently. I mean, it’s a pretty mild 68 degrees out here, the baby is asleep, and a cop could be here to pop the lock for free in five minutes. I’m just watching this whole thing go down, in total awe. Anyway, so this jackoff bends his phone in half to unlock the door. He has to be a hero or whatever, and winds up looking like a total tool, ’cause he bought a shitty phone and then bent it in half to make it even shittier. Typical iPhone idiot, I tell ya!”

Perhaps the mother said it best. “I don’t know if it was the smart thing to do, but it got my door open, and my baby is safe. Sounds like a happy ending to me.”

Meanwhile, Apple warranty doesn’t cover bent iPhones, so with a bit of luck, Mahone will be able to bend his back to a useable shape.

Unarmed White Teen Killed By Black Police Officer – The Family’s Reaction Is Crazy!

Posted on December 19, 2014 by mike the inkman

NEW CANAAN, Connecticut –

The news of policemen shooting unarmed teens continues this week in suburban Connecticut, as Phillip Macinaw Jr., 17, was shot dead by police in the middle of a quiet street. Police say they incorrectly identified Macinaw as another teen they had been searching for who was thought to be involved in several home invasions.

Police reports show that the shooting happened after Macinaw was asked to hold up his hands, yet reached down into his waistband for what officers thought was a weapon. The object turned out to be a leather-bound date book filled with appointments, including fencing class and polo lessons.

The Macinaw family is distraught over the passing of their youngest son and are asking for their privacy, but were able to answer a few questions posed by media. When asked if they would be protesting the shooting, since their white son was killed by a black officer, Mrs. Macinaw dismissed it offhand.

“We all have jobs, and I head up the Charitable Women’s Society, so I don’t have a lot of time for the type of ‘protest’ you see on the news these days. Just because an incident involves people of different races doesn’t make it necessarily racist. I will be writing a letter to my Congressman about the level of training these officers receive, but I don’t believe I’ll be torching any police cars, no. My taxes helped buy them, after all,” said Charlene Macinaw, Phillip’s mother. “I helped allocate the monies for the town hall at the citizens meeting. I suppose when you aren’t paying for the infrastructure it must be easier to burn it down.”

Phillip Sr., despite the visible tears, was sympathetic to the officers involved.

“Phil wasn’t always the best listener. He had his flaws. I’m sure he ignored their warnings. I just feel terrible for these men who have to live the rest of their lives knowing that they took a life that didn’t need to be taken. These things aren’t always rational, but it is the civilized thing to do to keep a cool head. I may put in a stern letter to the Chief, but when you look at this like someone who has a little bit of sense, you see that nothing, no level of reaction, will bring your loved one back. You just have to learn how to cope instead of acting out and projecting.”

The identities of the officers involved in the shooting have not been released publicly. The police department has offered their deepest sympathies to the Macinaw family.

Independent Theatre Owner Calls Major Chains, Film Studio ‘Pussies,’ Still Wants To Play ‘The Interview’

Posted on December 17, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, Massachusetts –

With news breaking late Tuesday evening that most major movie theatre chains – including AMC, Cinemark, Cinemagic, and Regal, among others – would be dropping their bookings for the Seth Rogen comedy The Interview over threats of violence from hackers, Sony Pictures officially announced that they would be pulling the film from theatres all together.

One lone theatre owner in Massachusetts says he’s upset that he’s being denied a movie he’s had pre-booked for weeks.

“I should be able to show whatever Goddamned movie I want to show,” said Cletus Lorde, 79. “I’ve been showing the pictures here for the last 53 years, and my dad was showing ’em for another 40 before that. We’ve always showed what the people want to see, and the local kids have said they want to see that film.”

Lorde says he is carrying on a tradition of showing controversial films started by his father, Francis Lorde, when he showed the pro-Ku Klux Klan film The Birth of a Nation back in 1917.

“Dad fought the town like crazy to be able to play that. The entire city council tried to shut the theatre down, but dad stood his ground and, in the end, he played it. The movie sold out every show for 2 straight months. Controversy brings the dollars. That’s another reason I want to make sure I play this movie. There’s a Regal theatre a few miles away; been stealing my business for the last decade. ‘Bout time I take some back, if I do say so myself.”

Sony Pictures, the distribution company for The Interview originally said they had no plans of completely pulling the film from theatres, and would stand behind any company that didn’t wish to play it, but changed their stance on Wednesday afternoon.

“Those big-wigs at the megaplex chains and the studios, they’re all a bunch of scared little pussies,” said Lorde. “Those big-talking internet assclowns ain’t gonna do nothing to nobody. It’s all hogwash. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if the film company themselves is making this big deal out of it just to drum up business for when they release it on DVD. Damn home video is killing my theatre. Well I tell you what, ol’ Cletus ain’t afraid of no internet people, and I ain’t afraid to show a movie with a little controversy, neither. If they change their minds yet again, my theatre will absolutely play it.”

When asked what he thought about the fact that Sony was essentially giving in to demands of bullies, Lorde said he’s not surprised. “It’s just a giant kick in the balls, both to potential viewers, and to little theatres like me who need that business,” said Lorde. “Looks like the terrorists really have won, because instead of The Interview, a movie people actually wanted to see, I’ll be stuck playing Annie, a movie no one even asked for. I hate Hollywood.”

Taliban Vows to Kill More Children If Demands Aren’t Met

Posted on December 17, 2014 by Angela Baker

PESHAWAR, Pakistan –

On Monday night, while most of America slumbered safely in their beds, Taliban gunman stormed a school in the Northwestern Pakistani city of Peshawar. Group leaders say the attack that killed 141 people, mostly children, will not be the last in their campaign.

A Pakistani military spokesman, Asim Bajwa, says this is not the first attack on children, and they expect the violence to escalate.

“This isn’t the first attack on our schools. The seven attackers are dead, thankfully, but I fear there will be bigger attacks to come. I don’t think that our government, or the American government, cares about this plight we are facing. I fear we are lost.”

“The problem is, there are many, many more people willing to join with the Taliban and blow their nuts off for this insane cause. All we can do is take ‘em out, one cave at a time,” said US military spokesperson Sam Jackson. “As aid, the US government plans to send some old metal detectors, retired volunteer policemen, and a guy wearing a McGruff the Crime Dog suit to help make their schools safer. We could send military, but to be honest, we just don’t give a shit about – Hey, wait. This is off the record, right?”

The Taliban has said that they believe this violent attack will help them recruit new members. “If you’re not with us you’re against us. Come join us, brothers, and we will teach you the way. We will kill soft, American piglets together. Death to infidels! Death to America!”

President Obama responded to the threats of further violence in Pakistan with a light shrug, and a frown-face. “We’ll do all we can, but to be fair, the gunmen have already been killed, so there’s no real reason to get involved right now. If this massacre and violence had happened in an American school, then the call to action would immediate. But this all happened on a foreign land, with foreign forces attacking foreign people in a foreign school. I think for now, we’ll just wait it out.”

Facebook To Make All Private Messages Viewable By Public – The Reason Why Will Shock You!

Posted on December 17, 2014 by mike the inkman

MENLO PARK, California –

Facebook has shocked the world today with their announcement that they will be publicizing all users’ past and current direct messages, in a move that they say will help to “promote honesty.”

Earlier today, CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, announced the policy changes in a status update via his personal, confirmed account. The status has since been deleted, however, it was shared thousands of times, and a screenshot of the original post has surfaced.

The original post read:

“I have been getting a lot of questions about our new direct message policy, which will make messages viewable by the public. It is a policy that we are going to enact over the next couple of updates. We feel it is a good policy that will promote honesty, and it will be retroactive, so old messages will be visible until a week after you deactivate your Facebook account.”

An anonymous source at Facebook was able to confirm that, despite the post being taken down, Facebook is definitely including the ‘public messages’ feature into future updates. The source was also able to confirm the feature will publicize all messages sent over the life of the Facebook account.

“Mark [Zuckerberg] has lost his head. He’s in bed with the NSA, he reads people’s personal messages for entertainment value. He views himself as some benevolent enforcer of morality. Facebook started as a way to connect with people, but now he is on another level,” said the anonymous employee. “The bad thing is, he slipped it into the terms of use years ago – anything you upload onto Facebook servers, including messages, is the property of Facebook, and can be made public. So if you’re using messenger to cheat on your spouse, or to sell or buy drugs, or anything you thought would stay private, you need to prepare yourself for everyone you know being able to read those messages, and probably sooner than you think.”

The new policy has been ill-received on social media. Screenshots of the post along, with angry comments, are spreading across the internet. Facebook users on the whole say they are not okay with the company playing with their private information.

“Facebook sucks, and it has for a while,” said user Mark Jacobs. “I guess with a change like this, it’s time we all move back to MySpace. They not only didn’t have privacy concerns, they let you order your friends into a top 8! God, remember that? Those were the days.”

Mall Santa Arrested For Possession of Child Pornography

Posted on December 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

A mall Santa in Phoenix was taken into custody late last evening, after it was reported by several security guards that the man may be taking nude photographs of children visiting him.

The Santa, who told police that his real name was Chris Kringle, was allegedly in possession of dozens of naked photos of children, both boys and girls, all who were wearing elf hats and shoes.

“This self-proclaimed Santa is a dirty, disturbing pervert,” said Cpt. Scott Calvin of the Phoenix Police Department. “We received reports that he was storing photographs of naked children inside his little pretend house that the mall had set up for him just outside the food court. When we arrested Kringle, we did discover Polaroid photos of what appear to be very young children, between the ages of 6 and 11. Kringle is being charged with felony possession of pornography and endangering the welfare of a child.”

According to police reports, Kringle is claiming that he is entirely innocent, and that it’s all a big misunderstanding.

“Those are not pictures of children,” said Kringle during police questioning. “Those are elves. Yes, I know they look like children, but elves like to blend in with people, so that’s how they appear. But I promise you, the pictures are of people who are hundreds, some even thousands, of years old. I know I have a problem, but it’s not with looking at naked children. That’s disgusting. I love children. The only problem I have is that I’ve betrayed my wife, Mrs. Kringle-Claus. I owe her a massive apology, and I hope she will forgive me.”

Police are currently trying to identify the children in the photos, but so far have come up short. A lawyer for Kringle said that he is ‘working tirelessly’ to get the charges dropped before December 24th, when he says that Kringle will need to be out delivering presents to all the good boys and girls of the world.

Bin Laden Shooter Rob O’Neill Mistakenly Attacked By Street Thugs Seeking To Collect Debt From Neighbor

Posted on December 15, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

BUTTE, Montana –

Robert O’Neill, the former United States Navy SEAL who shot and killed Osama Bin Laden, had his home mistakenly invaded by members of a street gang this morning shortly after 1AM. O’Neill was uninjured, the five intruders all suffered injuries and remain hospitalized, but are expected to make a full recovery. Their names were not released in anticipation of the oncoming media storm.

Butte Police Commissioner Bartholomew S. Harrington told members of the Associated Press in a brief press conference that the five men, part of a local street gang connected with the infamous Crips, were seeking to collect on a drug debt and invaded the wrong house, with the intended target just so happening to be the next door neighbor of O’Neill’s.

“Mr. O’Neill had just turned in for the night, but was awoken by a loud crash when his backdoor was abruptly kicked in. As the five thugs ran aimlessly through the home, Mr. O’Neill used silent hand-to-hand combat tactics to individually disarm them of their weapons. Once Mr. O’Neill had taken down the five men and secured his home, he brewed a pot of coffee and called the police station. Those boys sure did find the wrong house!” commissioner Harrington said as he chuckled.

O’Neill had little to say on the matter when Butte Daily Times journalist Kevin Williamson interviewed the celebrated war hero.

“It was nothing really. Those kids didn’t have their mission planned out properly and hit the wrong target. I hated to break their wrists and dislocate each of their knees like I did, but it was necessary in order to immobilize the invasion. I hope they get the money that is owed to them once they get out of jail and decide to live better lives. My main concern is getting my back door fixed. Those boys really did a number on the door jamb,” O’Neill stated.

The neighbor who was the intended target seems to have abandoned home and has not been found by police. According to the men in custody, the debt was over a $50 bag of marijuana.

Major Retailers To Begin Referring To Christmas As ‘Presents Day’ Next Year

Posted on December 15, 2014 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

The holiday season is upon us once again, and with the holidays comes lots of shopping, decorating, and traveling. No matter what your religious beliefs may be, or how you decide to celebrate, this time has always been about spending time with the people you love.

Sadly, it appears that several major retailers have forgotten the true meaning of the season. Major chains including Best Buy, Target, and RadioShack, have made the decision to no longer use or acknowledge the word ‘Christmas’ or even ‘holiday’ in their marketing, but rather refer to December 25th as ‘Presents Day’.

“It makes perfect sense to me,” said Shane Owens, a seasonal cashier at Macy’s in New York City. “That’s all Christmas is to me really, the presents. I don’t really care about Jesus or religions at all. Most people don’t. All I’m worried about is getting a new iPhone, and some nice shoes. That is what Christmas is really about – presents. So I’m totally on board with the name change.”

Some stores, including Wal-Mart, say that they will not change their current marketing on holiday items.

“We sell a lot of Christmas, Hanukkah, and even Kwanza merchandise,” said Wal-Mart spokesman Carl Rollback. “We’re a very Christian-valued company, and as much stuff as well sell during the holidays to the masses of people looking to get new TVs, cell phones, and toys, we never want to take the Christ out of Christmas.”

“The more you buy for your friends and family, the more they will know that you love them,” said Target CEO Gary Reddot. “Christmas has lost all meaning, at least as word. Sure, plenty of people celebrate a Mass of Christ, for the birth of Jesus, blah blah blah. But most people who celebrate Christmas are just using it as an excuse to be as materialistic as possible. Those are the people we love.”

Woman Violently Murders Husband After Finding Toilet Seat Left Up

Posted on December 15, 2014 by JP

WILKES-BARRE, Pennsylvania –

A woman has been arrested today after police say she brutally murdered her husband in their Wilkes-Barre home late Sunday evening. Jennifer Latorre, age 36, claims that she feels no remorse, and says that her husband “deserved to die” for his mistakes.

According to police reports, Jennifer’s husband, John Latorre, 39, had apparently forgotten to put the toilet seat back down after using the bathroom, even though he was requested to several times by his wife. Jennifer Latorre claims she warned her husband every day for weeks that if he didn’t put the seat down that she would stab him in his “balls, ass, and face.”

The state coroner’s report showed that John Latorre was stabbed over 47 times with a long, sharp object, with several wounds to the face being the ones that killed him. Police believe that he was stabbed with a kitchen knife.

Neighbors reportedly overheard an argument in the Latorre home, which led to what sounded like a violent altercation, and they immediately called police.

“When we arrived on the scene, there was blood all over the kitchen, living room, and bathroom,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of the Wilkes-Barre Police Department. “It’s almost as if she dragged him from the kitchen into the bathroom to show him his mistake, because when we arrived, the toilet seat had been put down.”

“I stabbed him once for every time he left the seat up,” said Jennifer Latorre. “I see no reason that a man should not be killed if you ask him to do one simple thing after another simple, goddamn thing, and he just can’t be bothered. A man like that is useless.”

Several women’s groups throughout the country have begun showing their support for Jennifer, saying that they will pool their resources to make sure she gets “the best lawyer money can buy.”

“Jennifer Latorre is an inspiration to all married women who deal with cheating husbands, stupid husbands, or just plain assholes,” said Melissa Jean, founder of the Women Come First movement. “Every woman who has to deal with a husband who can’t be bothered to listen to his wife should take note of Jennifer’s action. Your time will come, sisters! Your time will come!”

“She is the most sociopathic person I’ve ever encountered,” said Officer Goldsmith. “She went over the murder and ensuing events with us like we were old friends and she was telling us a boring story. It was the most graphic thing I have heard about or seen since joining the force, and it still chills me to my core. The fact that this happened over a toilet seat, and literally nothing else, is profoundly disturbing. I can tell you what, though – I’ll never leave the seat up in my house again.”

Nickelodeon Announces All-New Episodes Of Popular 90s Cartoons

Posted on December 15, 2014 by JP

ORLANDO, Florida –

Nickelodeon, the “TV Network for Children,” announced this morning that they are going to be running new episodes of several popular cartoons and shows from their 90s lineup. The announcement comes after huge ratings were garnered with the cartoons, as repeats have been airing for several years on Teen Nick.

“We used to have a dedicated channel, called GAS, or Games and Sports, just for our old Nickelodeon shows like Legends of the Hidden Temple and GUTS,” said Nickelodeon Spokesman Ren Hoek. “That channel did extremely well for us for years, because even as the children who grew up on those programs became adults, there was still a nostalgia factor that they loved, and they’d tune in. We hope for everyone to experience that same nostalgia as we bring back classic cartoons from our 90s lineup.”

Shows from the ‘classic’ lineup that are getting new episodes are said to include Hey Arnold!, Rugrats, CatDog, and Are You Afraid of the Dark? Some shows that started during that era are still airing new episodes on Nickelodeon, such as Spongebob Squarepants, which has been in continuous rotation on the channel for years, celebrating its 15th year on the air in 2014.

“We really just want to give these kids – excuse me, these young adults – what they want,” said Hoek. “You have to understand, that a lot of those children who grew up on shows like Doug or Clarissa Explains it All are old enough that they have kids, and they want to share memories of their favorite old shows with their children now. We want to make sure they get that.”

“This is the best damn thing I’ve heard in ages!” said Nickelodeon fan Joe Goldsmith. “Are You Afraid of the Dark is one of my favorite shows of all time. I’ve been showing some of the old episodes to my son, Joey Jr., because they finally put them on Amazon Prime to stream, and he loves them. He’s 7, which is about the same age I was when I watched them. This is like a dream to get new episodes.”

According to Hoek, new episodes are being written and created now, and will each be introduced with a marathon of classic episodes, leading into a several hour block of new episodes. The entire list of shows that are getting new episodes has not yet been released.