‘World’s Sexiest’ OBGYN Has 15-Month Long Waiting List For Patients

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

BRIDGEPORT, Connecticut –

When Richard Greer played Dr. Sullivan Travis in the movie “Dr T. and his Women” most of American begrudgingly played along with the premise of a devastatingly handsome OBGYN with intelligence and wit. In Bridgeport, Connecticut, however, that premise has become all too real for one female health specialist.

Richard Mendleson, MD has seen a steady incline in his clientele over the last four years since graduating from medical school. And it is not hard to figure out why when one catches a glimpse of the Doctor either in or out of the office. He is, to put it frankly, a perfect mix of masculine strength and soft features to make a majority of women swoon with his very presence.

The force of the doctor’s good looks has now caused a logistical problem at his practice, where a 456 day waiting list has built up. His secretary, Madeline Whistleton, is often frantically working to keep up with keeping patients in line and waiting.

“I deal with a long list of insane actions,” said Whistleton. “I have women pretending to be other patients. Girls sneaking through the back. I’ve had men come in dressed as their wives just to see the doctor.”

To Mendleson, this is nothing new, and something he has come to expect and accept.

“It is something I have dealt with ever since graduate school during my internships,” said Mendelson. During the conversation, the doctor’s phone continued to ring, while live emails piled up at an alarming rate.

“It can sometimes get in the way of my practice. My top concern is the care of the local women in the area. But I have started to receive so many requests for high-paying offers from women coming in across state lines, you have to try to accommodate as many as possible, without sacrificing the care of those in your county.”

When reached for comment more than half of the patients responded with a flurry of semi-intelligible gushing reviews mixed with guttural groans. The other half refused to comment and asked their identities not be given, as they did not wish their husbands to know that they were seeing Dr. Mendelson.

American Public Decides Scientists are Idiots Regarding GMO Foods

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Over the past half-decade, there has been a growing debate regarding the quality and safety of GMO foods. There has been debate back and forth even within the scientific community regarding the use of GMO capabilities in produce. But more and more, scientists have become increasingly in favor of its use. The American public, however, seems to be turning on the lab-coated professionals.

“These fancy doctors come in with their degrees and charts and try to tell me what is good and not good to eat. Quite frankly it’s insulting,” said Wyatt Stanfield, a local advocate against GMO production. “If I don’t want to eat a mutant corn, than damnit, I shouldn’t have to eat a mutant corn. It’s my stomach, for crying out loud!”

In a recent study, 71 percent of scientists and doctors agreed that with proper regulation and caps on experimentation, GMO foods were wholly safe. In the same study, only 31 percent of ‘common citizens’ agreed. Another 51 percent felt that GMOs posed a legitimate threat to the health of individuals that ate them regularly.

“We all know what food is safe,” says Stanfield. “Food made by God and grown from the earth. That is what we’re intended to eat. Anything made by labs is sure to cause us trouble. I don’t know why they think they can play God with our food. We know it’s going to give us cancer, or mutate our genes or make us sterile. But they keep pretending it’s fine. They keep saying ‘Don’t worry, they can’t hurt you.’”

Says Dr. Daniel Roberts MD of the GMO foods, “Don’t worry, they can’t hurt you. GMO food has already been in use for some time, and I’m still not entirely sure why people are against it,” said Roberts. He continued by pointing to a banana left on a table nearby. “This fruit is a clone of a single banana that has been recreated over and over over decades. Have you ever seen a real banana? They are short, green, and have giant seeds. These things we have now aren’t even close to a real banana. They’re genetically modified, and I’m pretty sure it hasn’t killed anyone not allergic to it.”

When asked about the banana, Stanfield stood defiantly. “That banana was made by God, and no liberal elitist agenda is going to trick me into believing otherwise.”

Woman Dies After Overdosing On Gluten

Posted on January 27, 2015 by JP

AURORA, Colorado –

Beth Riens, 32, of Aurora, Colorado, died Sunday morning from what doctors are saying is the first case of a gluten overdose.

According to family and friends, Riens lived a very healthy life. She frequently ran, did yoga, and stayed to a specific diet. Friends of Reins tell Empire News that she recently began to eat gluten products again after almost a year of staying away from them.

“She was a very healthy person and I can’t believe she is gone. Beth had been gluten-free for about a year now, until we continued to rib her, because she didn’t have a gluten allergy or sensitivity,” said Riens’ best friend, Jennifer Robbins. “She just got hooked on stupid fad diets, and for some reason thought that ‘going gluten free’ would make her healthier. Turns out, in her case, it was better for her.”

“I’ve been eating gluten products all of my life and I feel completely normal, like most people,” said Reins’ sister-in-law, Carla Reins. “I wish I hadn’t been part of the group to tease her into eat foods with gluten again. I feel somewhat responsible for this, to be perfectly honest. Of course, I may have gotten her back on the stuff, but I didn’t hand her the loaf of whole grain bread that ended it for her, either.”

After examining the body, doctors confirmed that Reins was taking in way too much gluten. Since her body wasn’t used to the amount of intake, it slowly began to shut down, forcing her into cardiac arrest and shortly after, death. According to friends, Reins was eating entire boxes of pasta, cereals, and multiple loaves of bread in a day.

“Beth never did anything half-assed,” said Robbins. “She cut out gluten cold-turkey one day last year, and then last week just decided to get off that stupid wagon, and join us smart people again. Of course, she did it by buying out entire shelves of J.J. Nissen pastries and Wonderbread, but like I said – she never went in half-assed.”

USDA Approves Commercial Sale Of Breast Milk At Grocery Stores

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

There is a growing trend among health advocates and nutritional experts across the entire world, and it’s something that most people stopped drinking in infancy – human breast milk.

Until earlier this morning it has been illegal to sell or bottle breast milk for consumption, outside of normal use of mothers feeding their babies. After extensive research and testing by the USDA, the United States government has decided to give human breast milk a full license to be sold commercially in grocery stores.

John Williamson, USDA President of Public Relations and Nutritional Awareness, announced in a statement issued to multiple media outlets that all United States grocery stores will be permitted to sell human breast milk which has passed USDA requirements. “There is a growing fad throughout the nation, and indeed the world, of adults drinking human breast milk fresh from the source,” Williamson said in the statement. “We have now taken steps to insure that adults can get those same nutritional values without having to suckle the teat directly, as breast milk will be bottled and sold at retail.”

Despite the legalities of breast milk consumption and sales up to this point, the product has become synonymous with fitness advocates and body builders, who have long been purchasing the milk through black market trade.

“It is time for the United States to cash in, and sanction the overall availability of healthy, fresh, bottled human breast milk for children and adults. It is a great source of nutrition which has never before been available, and it is due time for Americans to get healthy, while beefing up our pocketbooks.” Williamson added.

In several countries it has become popular for adults to hire ‘wet nurses’ who feed the consumer directly, but Williamson states that this method is very irresponsible and the female producers of the milk need to undergo thoroughly extensive testing on a weekly basis for guaranteed safety.

“We strongly discourage adults, who are not the children of the milk provider, from feeding directly from the breasts of various women. It is not safe, and could spread disease,” said Williamson. “However, many of the top dairy providers of the U.S. have begun to take applications for breast-feeding women to begin testing on their product, a very good way for American women to make a little extra cash while helping our economy. Everybody wins!”

USDA officials say Americans can expect to see human breast milk for sale in grocery stores all across the nation within the coming months.

Water To Be Banned In Washington Public Schools After Board Finds It ‘Unhealthy’

Posted on November 24, 2014 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington –

A new food regulation passed by the Washington State School Board is set to start after the holiday vacation.

Beginning in January, all water and ‘water-related products’ will be banned from public schools. The decision was made as a safety measure with board leaders claiming water is too unhealthy to have in any school.

“With childhood obesity, food allergies, and other concerns with what our schools feed children, you would have to think water would be the last thing that would be banned,” said school board member Joan Myles. “But we don’t have the money to test the local water system, and fear an unclean water source can lead to health issues that could make our children sick or shut down the school.”

“We have decided to cut out the middle man and save a few dollars, while making sure the risk of water won’t plague the future of our schools,” said school board president Richard Head. “Programs in schools are getting cut left and right, and now this is just another thing that will become a past memory when thinking about your schools, like music education or pizza day.”

Parents have argued that students should be able to drink water brought from home while in class, as many local residents have private wells on their property, but school board has said that will be a no-go either, as they are claiming it as a possible ‘choking hazard.’

“Lunches that will be provided at the school will also have to be made without water,” said Head. “The portions will also be cut down so children can properly swallow their food without choking. Don’t think of this is a negative change, just think of it as something that could save your child’s life. They won’t need water, because we have Coca-Cola machines that are being installed in the cafeteria and in several hallways throughout the school.”

Government, Health Department Says Ebola Turns Earthworms Into Real Life ‘Tremors’

Posted on November 23, 2014 by Chip

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

An emergency press release was conducted by the Health Department warning all government officials to refrain from burying the bodies of future Ebola victims. According to Health Department Spokesperson Elliot Tevere, though the effects of Ebola on earthworms is unknown, the Health Department has reason to believe that the Ebola virus is capable of turning even the smallest earthworm into an enormous worm, or Tremor.

According to Trevere, the Health Department has compiled mountains of compelling data in support of their theory, however at this time are not willing to share the data with the public.

“We are not at liberty to share the results of our findings; however top scientists have been working feverishly in the lab. They have been conducting high level tests,” said Trevere. “The general public is just not ready to know the details surrounding the tests.”

The word Tremor stems from a popular movie franchise in which small towns are infiltrated by enormous worm-like monsters that live underground. The first feature in the 4 movie franchise was entitled Tremors, and was released in 1990.

An anchor from a local Los Angeles FOX affiliate station had the opportunity to sit down with original Tremors cast member Kevin Bacon, and asked him the likelihood of the Ebola Virus morphing earthworms to creatures similar to those found in his hit 1990 movie. Kevin responded to the question by saying “Your question in itself is absurd, are you really asking me if I believe the Ebola virus can create monsters similar to those featured in a pretend movie? C’mon.”

Actor Michael Gross, who unlike Bacon has starred in all 4 Tremors movies and is slated to play a role in Tremors 5, scheduled for release in 2016, shared a different opinion on the matter when he sat down with a MSNBC representative earlier this afternoon.

When Gross was asked a similar question regarding the likelihood of the Ebola virus causing earthworms to morph into Tremor like monsters he responded by saying “Oh, absolutely! I have no doubt the Health Department’s claims hold their weight in gold. Look, I have completed extensive research, and have enough hands-on experience with shooting 4, almost 5, of these Tremor movies to tell you that this is exactly how these things start.”

Gross concluded the interview by saying, “Our saving grace is that technologically our society is far more equipped to handle these motherhumpers than we were in 1990.”

Google Reveals New X-Ray Glasses At San Francisco Gadget Expo

Posted on November 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

The 2014 Gadget Expo is a regular ‘Nerd Nirvana,’ with all the latest gadgets and gizmos on display for people to check out, try out, and plan their 2015 tech purchases. Many new products created plenty of excitement such as Apple’s iWatch and Alienware’s 3D laptop. But the one product that stole the show was Google’s new X-Ray glasses, which the company is already planning for a 2015 release.

“We all remember the ads in the back of comics. You could get sea monkeys or paper dolls. But the most popular ad was for X-Ray glasses. Of course, those glasses were a disappointment when they came in the mail, but it created a dream in the minds of a generation,” said Larry Page, Google CEO. “Now, some of those disappointed boys are the smartest engineers in the world, and they work here at Google. Ladies and gentlemen, those same young honor society nerds that dreamed of seeing through girls clothes have done it, and we now have real X-Ray glasses! Pending some safety issues, Google X-Googles will be available next year!”

“It’s true, the X-Ray glasses work perfectly, and with different settings, you can see through garments, skin and bones, and even walls,” said Product manager Harold Harris. “We see this as a great development that will no doubt have untold advantages in the fields of medicine and law enforcement. The safety tweaks are happening now, as the one Mr. Page spoke of is actually quite serious. Currently, the X-Ray glasses have a 100% brain tumor rate on wearers. Unfortunately, the threat of brain tumors is not stopping the engineers on the project from wearing the glasses to spy on female employees. I guess for them seeing a girl naked is worth a brain tumor. At the rate engineers are dropping out for sickness or straight-up dropping dead, the tweaks may take a little longer to fix than expected.”

Despite possible setbacks in health-related risks and fatalities by wearers, Google still plans to release the new X-ray glasses as soon as possible. “We know that Google Glass was just the beginning for what we’re calling or Google Spectacles Division,” said Page. “All those people out there wearing our current product will certainly be interested in our new Google X-Googles. We can’t wait for them to all go from becoming Glassholes to Raytards.”

World’s First Pregnant Man: ‘I Can’t Wait To Get This Damn Thing Out of Me’

Posted on September 15, 2014 by L.J. Mainville Jr.

SAN DIEGO, California –

Back in 2009, Thomas Trace Beatie, a public speaker, author, and advocate for transgender and sexuality issues with a focus on trans fertility and reproductive rights, became the first man to become pregnant. Beatie, who was born a woman, had gender reassignment surgery in 2002, and later became known as ‘The Pregnant Man.’ It was Beatie’s pregnancy that gave doctors and researchers at Scripps Memorial Hospital in San Diego the idea of impregnating a natural born male.

Over the entire span of medical science, doctors believed human males did not have the anatomy needed for natural embryonic and fetal development. However, Dr. Paul Chambers, a pioneer of in-vitro fertilization, believed the theoretical idea of a male ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy outside the uterine cavity) by implantation could be completed with close monitoring, along with some modern medical intervention.

“I don’t see why it can’t be done,” said Chambers. “Why should women have all the fun, right fellas? We’ve worked very hard on the science and health risks involved. We studied the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Junior, watching it over and over, and we don’t see why this can’t work, albeit with some strict monitoring. There won’t be any Lamze classes for our pregnant man, though.”

Dr. Chambers stresses that the concept of ectopic implantation, while theoretically plausible, had never been attempted and would be difficult to even justify to the scientific community. The need for justification, though, went out the window when they received a willing volunteer.

The 31-year-old man, who we will refer to as ‘Tom,’ volunteered for the experimental pregnancy when it was learned that his wife of six years could not get pregnant due to severe endometriosis. The risks were explained, and Tom consented.

“Even for women lacking a uterus – owing to the extreme health risks to both the parent and child, you can understand our concern for implanting a man,” said Dr. Miles Balderdash, a researcher for Scripps. “Regardless of our concerns, [Tom] was determined to give his wife a child. So we went ahead with it. I gotta say, the guy is a trooper.”

Doctors harvested several eggs from Tom’s wife, and fertilized the eggs with Tom’s sperm.

“Collecting the sperm was by-far the best part of this whole process,” said Tom. “They gave me a choice between video or magazines. I went with video. My wife doesn’t let me watch that sort of thing at home, but for science, for our baby, she said I could this once.”

Once a viable fetus was established from this fertilization procedure, Dr. Chambers implanted the fetus in Tom’s abdomen.

“Since a man does not have a uterus with the placenta, we attached the fetus to an the only internal organ the male has that could possibly sustain a fetus – the bowels,” Dr. Chambers said. He went on to explain that the colon area is made up of very vascular tissue, which can supply oxygen rich blood to the fetus. The colon is not as vascular as a uterus, but it is the most feasible choice to implant in a male.

Doctor’s at Scripp’s Memorial and researchers from San Diego State University Medical Center have been following Tom’s progress, and with proper medical treatment, he has been able to carry his baby for the past six months; However, doctors are becoming concerned.

“The weight of the baby is pushing his organs up into his chest cavity, and it is affecting his breathing. His blood oxygen levels are falling and putting the baby, and his health, at risk.”

“They’ve put me on bed rest for now,” Tom said as he wife tended to him. “As long as I keep my feet up and do as the doctors tell me, I’ll be able to give my wife the child she deserves.”

Doctors are obviously planning to deliver by Caesarean section. “We trust the doctors,” Tom’s wife said as she held her husband’s hand. “They’ve been so helpful this entire time. I just want a baby. [Tom] has been so strong this entire time. Women having been popping out babies for ages. It’s so exciting to know that we’ll be the first couple to have a baby that was grown in the father.”

Dr. Chambers noted that the abdomen is not designed to separate from the placenta during delivery, hence the danger of an ectopic pregnancy. “We never questioned whether this was going to work,” said Dr. Balderdash. “We more questioned whether [Tom] was going to live through it. He knew the risks, though, and we’re doing all we can to make sure he and the baby are safe.”

Currently Tom is still bed bound with his feet up and his wife tending to him as he breaths purified oxygen through a face mask. He says he feels great, and just can’t wait to get the ‘damn thing’ out of him.

New 150 oz. Mega-Sized Drinks To Be Released In 7-11 Convenience Stores

Posted on August 22, 2014 by C. Anthony Rivera

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

One of America’s largest convenience store chains, 7-11, has announced this morning a new item being added to their selection. Joining the company’s flagship Big Gulp cups will be their new size, named the X-Gulp by 7-11 marketing director Bill Hellman.

The 32 ounce Big Gulp remains the most popular size at 7-11 for soda and fountain drinks, with the price staying steadily below a dollar, even during harsh economic times. Seducing more customers every day, The Super Big Gulp, reaching 44 ounces, is also available or those who need an extra kick to their drink. The Double Gulp, which doubles the Big Gulp’s 32 ounce size to a whopping 64 ounces, wholly satisfies the predominant American population.

Recently announced by 7-11, the X-Gulp will be released this fall, marking an even 150 ounces, more than 5 times the size of the Big Gulp, and containing almost 2 gallons of liquid. The cup size is that of a small bucket, and even has a handle for ease in carrying. Already concerned with getting the most ‘bang for their buck,’ some cost-weary customers are concerned that the price will be too high.

“I can assure everyone, the price for the X-Gulp will be in line with our other sizes,” said Hellman. “The standard Big Gulp is .99 cents at most 7-11 stores. The X-Gulp will actually cost only around $3, less than you’d pay at your local movie theatre for a third of what we’re offering.”

Many consumers are already questioning the absurdity of the product size, rightfully concerned about the cup will fitting in standard drink holders that are found in cars. Despite the concern, though, many 7-11 regulars and purported ‘Big Gulp Aficionados’ are looking forward to the next new size.

“If it comes down to it, I’ll just put the damn cup between my legs once I’m on the road,” said Joe Goldsmith, self-proclaimed Big Gulp Super-fan. “All of the condensation on the outside of the cup might leave an embarrassing mark on my pants, but who cares? When you can get that much soda for such a small price, looking like you’ve pissed yourself should be the least of your worries.”

“I personally think the size is ridiculous,” said Margret Pilsner, president of the Obesity Epidemic Foundation. “Americans are already too fat, and this is just adding to the cause. No one needs 150 ounces of soda in a sitting. My God, you don’t even need that much water in a sitting. I can feel the diabetes killing me just imagining it.”

7-11 representatives say the new size will be made available by the end of September at stores nationwide.

‘Road Rager’ Dislocates Middle Finger, Files Lawsuit Against Woman Who Cut Him Off

Posted on August 17, 2014 by DvanL

AVON, Massachusetts –

Massachusetts fitness trainer Ed “Brick” Malone is at the center of possibly the most unique court case in the state’s recent history.

Last Friday, during a Norfolk County traffic court hearing, Malone admitted, “I friggin’ lost it. I’m driving home from the gym, this jerk almost sideswipes me, so then I flip him off like everybody else would. So then all of a sudden my middle finger gets stuck – I can’t get my finger back down. Now I’m the bad guy? I don’t think so, son.”

“The injury to the patient’s finger is stress related,” said Dr. Bruno Arujo, of Good Samaritan Medical Center, located in nearby Brockton. “Once we corrected the dislocation issue, I found that there was no actual physical damage; however, the surrounding muscles and tendons around Mr. Malone’s middle finger had seized up.”

The condition is categorized as ‘Repetitive Stress Malady.’ “We can’t force Mr. Malone’s finger back to its natural resting position until the muscles ‘decide’ to relax on their own,” Dr. Arujo told the court. “Based on how many times he told me he’s flipped off drivers in the past, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened before.”

The target of Malone’s anger, 30-year-old Sondra Houlk testified, “First of all, I’m not a guy. I don’t have the typical ‘girly-girl’ look, but no big deal, because the main thing is I didn’t cut anybody off, and I didn’t sideswipe anybody like he said. I signaled, and I looked over, and I thought he waved me through, but I guess he was really giving me the finger, and that’s what happened.”

“I need to use my entire hand to do my fitness trainings,” said Malone. “I can’t go around town looking like I’m telling everyone to go f— off. Oh – sorry for my bad language, your honor,” said Malone,” accidentally offering the judge the ‘one finger salute.’

Malone is suing for loss of income and defamation of character. “The doctor said he couldn’t help me because of my muscle, so there goes my clients! Somebody should pay and it should be that guy who cut me off,” he said. When reminded by the court that Houlk was female, Malone replied, “I don’t think so, son.”

Malone’s public defender, Susan McCarthy, later spoke to reporters gathered outside the courtroom. “Mr. Malone is the victim here. He was provoked and he reacted in what admittedly was not the best way at the time, but almost every single American driver on the road has flipped someone the bird when ‘road rage’ sets in. Mr. Malone did legitimately fear for his life and for his safety. The traumatic result is that he cannot return to full enjoyment of his life and his profession. I’m confident that we will prevail.”

“I just want my finger to go back down to normal,” said Malone. “I don’t like this at all ‘cause now I walk around town looking like I’m flipping everybody off. I don’t think so son,” he added. “Sometimes I forget about it, like yesterday when I went out to get the paper. I wave to my neighbor, and she tells me to go to hell, and then she slams the door.”

A civil hearing is scheduled to begin next month.