Obama Pardons Catholic Priests Convicted Of Child Abuse

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

There’s still a year left in Obama’s presidency, and it seems he’s shaking things up before he goes. In a startling and disturbing decision, President Obama has announced that he will officially pardon the Catholic priests that have been accused of child molestation while in their positions in the Church.

“Although many of the accused have been excommunicated and removed from their positions, they still live with the guilt of their alleged crimes,” said President Obama. “Of the men jailed for the crimes, I am offering a full pardon, and immediate release. These men have suffered enough at the hands of God, and do not need to be imprisoned for their acts. Acts which they cannot control.”

Although there have been many abuse cases in the church over the years, only a small number of priests or other church members have ever been arrested and convicted in the courts. Most were not able to be prosecuted for charges brought against them, as too much time had passed since the alleged crimes. Several, though, were able to be sent to prison.

“Currently, there are 28 priests throughout the country who are in jail for crimes against children, and they will be pardoned and released by November 1st,” said Obama. “This is my way of showing forgiveness and love, which the Catholic church is so well known for.”

Verizon Wireless Says Service Will Go Down For Scheduled Maintenance Nov. 1 – Nov. 30

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LANSING, Virginia –

Verizon Wireless, the nation’s largest cell phone carrier, announced today that it would be shutting down its network for the month of November for a slew of upgrades and maintenance to its vast array of towers throughout the country.

“We completely understand the issues this may cause, but at the same time, we receive massive complaints about our speeds and dead zones,” said Verizon CEO Mark Rodgers. “Although we would love to not have to take the entire network offline, it will make it easier for our technicians to work on the equipment. Come December 1st, we’ll be back up and running and faster and stronger than ever.”

Many customers have already complained to Verizon, saying that they will switch to a new carrier if left without service for a month, but Rodgers said he isn’t worried.

“Who are they going to switch to? T-Mobile? AT&T? Please, those companies are shit, and they know it,” said Rodgers. “They’ll stick it out with us, and in the end, they’ll be happy they did.”

Rodgers says that Verizon will not be pro-rating any charges for the downtime; customers will be expected to pay their bill in full for the month of November as normal.

IRS Moves Tax Deadline To January 14th

Posted on October 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

If you’re one of those people who likes to wait until the last possible minute to file your taxes each year, 2016 may be the hardest year for you yet. According to an official statement released by the IRS this morning, the tax deadline for filing – which has long been April 15th, has been pushed back to January 14th.

“Each year, people complain about the long wait times in receiving a refund, and it really backs us up,” said IRS spokesman Mike Rotunda. “We’re trying to pay out at the same time as we’re taking in millions of tax forms. We decided to move the date, because this way, everyone can get their money in a timely fashion.”

Rotunda says that each year, more and more people were waiting until the deadline date to file, but would still complain about delays in receiving refunds. With the date being moved to January, it gives everyone two weeks from the new year to file, which Rotunda says will help to get refunds into people’s hands months earlier.

“In the previous model, if you filed on, say, April 1st, you wouldn’t get your money until sometime in May, usually,” said Rotunda. “Now that everyone will be forced to file by January 14th, you’ll get your money by February, and that’s a win-win.”

Rotunda says that despite the claims of quicker payouts, 2016 will be a “trial year,” and that many people may not get their refunds until July or August, while the agency “works out the kinks.”

Walt Disney’s Cryogenically Frozen Body To Be ‘Thawed’ Next Year on 50-Year Anniversary Of Death

Posted on October 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

In 1966, one of the most famous men of the modern era passed away from lung cancer. Walt Disney is universally known for his animation and film studio, which over the years has provided many beloved children’s films.

When he died, Disney was one of the wealthiest men in the world. His final wishes were to have his body cryogenically frozen and placed in a vault underneath Cinderella’s castle in Disney World. According to his will, it was set to be kept there for 50 years, and at that point he wanted to be ‘thawed’ out.

“We have denied the rumors for many years, but it is true that Walt Disney had himself cryogenically frozen and placed under the castle,” said Walt Disney World president Marc Jacobs. “It was Mr. Disney’s wish that on the 50th anniversary of his death, we unfreeze him, and attempt to revive his body.”

According to Disney’s will, he chose the 50th anniversary of his death, because he believed that would be ample time for doctors to have cured lung cancer.

“Of course, sadly for him, Mr. Disney was wrong, and there is still no cure for cancer,” said Jacobs. “On the plus side, though, doctors have been able to do full lung transplants, so when we revive him, it’s possible that he could live with a new set of lungs. We have really high hopes that the procedure will be a success.”

The plan from the Walt Disney Company is to thaw Disney’s frozen body on December 15th, 2016, exactly 50 years since his death.

“We hav

Political Shocker: Bill Clinton To Tour Campaign Circuit In Support Of Donald Trump

Posted on October 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to sources inside the Trump campaign, former president Bill Clinton will be hitting the campaign trail next month in support of the toupee-wearing candidate.

“Bill Clinton reached out to us last week, and asked to be included in the campaign,” said Trump’s campaign president Rick Moyer. “I was honestly a little taken aback. I can’t believe he wouldn’t support his own wife in the election.”

“Hey man, I can support whoever I’d like. Just because I married her doesn’t mean I thought she’d make a good president. I just thought she’d make a good wife and mom,” said Bill Clinton. “She’s great at those things. She’s great at a lot of things, if you know what I mean. Well, not all things. Sometimes you gotta get your interns to do those things. I digress, though. My point is, she’d make a horrible president. Donald Trump on the other hand, now there’s a man who knows how to get things done.”

According to a press release issued by the Trump campaign, Bill Clinton will hit the campaign circuit and speak on behalf of Trump in areas where his poll numbers are lacking.

KFC Chicken Farmer Says Company Forced Him To Raise ‘Mutated Birds’

Posted on October 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LINCOLN, Iowa –

An anonymous chicken farmer in Iowa has come forward this week, claiming that KFC, the world’s largest fast food chicken restaurant chain, has been paying him for years to raise “mutated chickens,” including ones that have multiple heads, extra legs, and some that have 6 or 7 wings.

“Years ago, a man came to visit me at my home, and asked if I wanted to raise chickens for KFC,” said the farmer, who wishes to remain anonymous. “I said ‘sure,’ and we settled on a specific payment that I’d like to not disclose. Anyway, some time went by, and the man came back. He brought with him a very odd type of feed, and told me to start giving it to the chickens.”

The farmer says that for the last 3 years, KFC has been paying him and delivering this “mystery feed,” which he says it what is causing all the mutations.

“They’re giving me little black pellets to feed the chickens, I don’t know what they are,” said the Farmer. “Curiously, though, neither the man who originally visited me, nor anyone else from KFC, has come to collect the mutated chickens. They do come and take the regular ones that I also raise, but the mutated ones just stay here until they die. I wish I knew more about their plans, but it seems that maybe they just want me to raise some fucked up looking chickens just for fun.”

KFC was not reached out to for comment.

New Study Finds Eating Dried Seaweed Can Cure Diabetes

Posted on October 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

Most of the nation is overweight or obese, and a good majority of Americans suffer from diabetes, but a new food study may help to combat the scourge of high blood sugar.

According to the Toyko Medical Journal, a diet consisting of dried, salted seaweed snacks can help to cure diabetes in patients who suffer from the disease. Dr. Hoy Mokato has been studying the effects of seaweed on diabetics for more than a decade, and has recently published his findings.

“Seaweed is plentiful and inexpensive, and high in iodine and other nutrients good for your diet,” said Mokato. “In a person with diabetes, eating nothing but dried seaweed has the effect of curing their ailment. It is a remarkable step in reversing the effects diabetics can suffer from.”

According to Mokato, a person who suffers from diabetes needs to eat a single serving of dried, salted seaweed every day – approximately 4oz – and nothing else.

“Eat one packet of seaweed, and drink 8 to 10 glasses of water a day,” said Mokato. “If you do this, and you eat and drink nothing else for 5 to 6 months, your body will rid itself of your diabetes. I have seen it happen in 100% of my patients, and it will work for everyone.”

Mokato plans to fully publish his results in the coming months.

Genealogist Traces Donald Trump’s Family, Discovers Mexican Heritage

Posted on October 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVO, Utah –

The Association of Professional Genealogists, a private group who studies family histories and genetics, recently released their findings on the family of presidential candidate, Donald Trump.

“It’s ironic, really, that Trump is so anti-Mexican and anti-immigrant, as it would appear that Donald’s great-grandmother was a Mexican immigrant,” said Professor of genealogy, Dr. Richard Kimball. “We aren’t sure if this is something that Mr. Trump is unaware of, or is choosing to ignore to further his standings in the presidential election, but he is definitely of Mexican decent.”

According to Kimball, Trump’s great-grandmother was very likely an illegal immigrant who snuck into this country through Texas, and migrated to the east coast.

“It was in the New York area that we believe granny Trump likely set up shop as a prostitute,” said Kimball. “She more than likely sold herself to the highest bidder each night, being paid for her services and having no morals – a trait that seems to have dwindled down through the family, if you ask me.”

Donald Trump, who says he wants to build a wall that would stop immigrants from sneaking into the country from Mexico, could not be reached for comment.

Vivid Entertainment Offers Ben Carson $250,000 To Star In Adult Video Series

Posted on October 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Vivid Entertainment, the adult film company responsible for pioneering celebrity sex tapes and porn parodies, has reportedly offered current presidential candidate Ben Carson $250,000 to star in a series of pornographic films.

Vivid, who have released tapes starring Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton among many others, is looking to capitalize on Carson’s current celebrity status as a mumbling Republican presidential candidate, who was previously known best as a surgeon who separated siamese twins. Carson has surged in the polls lately despite his seemingly inept concept of politics, something that Vivid has says will actually be incorporated into the storyline of the films.

Founder of Vivid, Steven Hirsch, says that if Carson agrees to star in the series, they will create three adult films that tell the story of his life. The first, to be titled Carson: The Teen Years would chronicle Carson’s sexual escapades as a mumbling teen prior to his career in medicine. The second film in the series, titled Carson: Mumble On My Dick would take place over the eight-year period of his medical school and immediately following. The final film, titled Carson: Sleeping The Election Away would feature Carson as he is today, boring and banal.

“All the films will feature known adult film stars, including Vivid favorites Hanna Hilton and Kayden Kross, as well as some of our other Vivid Girls,” Said Hirsch in a pitch sent to representatives for Carson. “The story of Ben Carson’s life is big news, and we want to not only tell his story, but we want to tell it with some really great T&A.”

Hirsch seemed to think that a venture into the adult industry could be exactly what Carson needs to “put a happier face” onto his campaign.

“This whole thing, it looks bad to everyone, anyone who follows politics. As any country looking in at us, it makes us look horrible for even considering him,” Said Hirsch. “We want to help the Ben, and to pay some respect to a guy who’s been through a lot. So, we’ve already got the writer working on the scripts. He started this morning, so he should be done by lunchtime. These are movies we are dying to make, and Carson would be a fool not to get in bed with us. Literally.”

Representatives for Ben Carson have said they are pushing for him to accept the offer, but so far he has not agreed to participate.

Vandals Destroy Beirut Monument On 32nd Anniversary of Bombing

Posted on October 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JACKSONVILLE, North Carolina –

32 years ago, 241 servicemen were killed in Beirut, Lebanon during a bombing of their barracks. A memorial was built in Jacksonville, North Carolina to commemorate the lives lost, but apparently someone doesn’t feel as positive about our military.

“We have no idea who would destroy this landmark, but we’re going to have to guess that it was juveniles,” said Lt. Col. Joe Goldsmith of the 3rd Division. “Judging by the crude humor displayed in the desecration of the sign, we are working with police to discover who could have, and would even consider, committing such a crime.”

Photographs show the monument, which reads “We Came In Peace,” as being scribbled out with spray paint. The vandals replaced “Peace” with “Her Face,” making the monument less of an honor of the servicemen killed, and more of an honor of the many servicewomen who are performing a slightly different service.

“Look, I know it’s wrong to laugh and everything, but holy Hell, that’s pretty funny,” said Jacksonville native Mark Jeffries. “I have no qualms with the military. I wouldn’t join, because I’m not a full-blown retard, but whatever makes you happy I guess. I don’t want anyone to die. But no one died here, it was just a goof. If my son did this, I’d be giving him a pat on the back. Shit, it’s been 32 years. Let it go already.”

After hearing the quotes he gave to local newspapers, police have reportedly arrested Jeffries, 38, and his son, Stuart, 13, for their possible connection to the vandalism.