American Airlines, Delta To No Longer Allow Young Children To Fly

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

If you have a family with young children, you may soon find yourself having to drive to your favorite vacation destinations. American Airlines, Delta, United, and several other airlines announced yesterday that they would no longer be allowing children under the age of 6 on any flights, domestic or international.

“Airlines have always, without fail, been about making money, and ignoring comfort,” said United Airlines representative Michael Thomas. “Children paid less for tickets than adults, and they take up seats that could go for other travellers. Not to mention that no one wants to fly with cranky, pain-in-the-ass children. If they know that there won’t be any on a flight, then they’ll be willing to pay more for their seats.”

It’s a rarity in business these days for any company to be so candid about their motives, especially when those motives are driven by nothing but profit, but Thomas says that airlines have never hidden behind any walls when it comes to profits.

“Years ago, you could smoke on airplanes. Not anymore, and that’s nothing to do with FAA regulations, that’s simply to do with being able to charge more now because non-smokers will pay more knowing they don’t have to deal with it,” said Thomas. “Not to mention the problems with legroom and spacing. We could easily remove just one row of seats on any aircraft, and space the seats out, giving everyone several inches more in legroom. Screw that, though. Airlines have monopoly on travel, because what else is there? You’re not taking a train or something. Who the hell takes a train anymore? You’re stuck with us.”

Caitlyn Jenner Sues Family Of Woman She Killed In Car Accident

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MALIBU, California –

Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly suing the family members of a woman she killed in a car accident earlier this year. After receiving a lawsuit from the family against her for wrongful death, Jenner said that she decided to sue the family as well.

“There was substantial damage to my car that was not covered by insurance,” said Jenner. “Someone needs to pay for that, and it shouldn’t have to be me. I’ve suffered enough, what with killing someone and all. The blood that was on the car took Jose, one of my employees, over 6 hours to scrub off. It was disgusting, and he should be heavily compensated for his time.”

Jenner maintains that the accident, which killed 69-year-old Kim Howe, was not her fault.

“I mean, just because I wasn’t paying attention and someone got killed doesn’t mean that it’s my fault,” said Jenner. “Mrs. Howe was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and sometimes, people just die. That doesn’t mean that I need to go to jail, and it certainly doesn’t mean that her family can sue me without getting sued back.”

Jenner has filed a $1.9 million dollar lawsuit against the family for, among other things, car repair and defamation.

“They said that I killed her, and that I had no remorse,” said Jenner. “That’s just not true! I think it’s pretty much not okay to kill someone, but like I said, accidents happen. My heart goes out to them, but my lawyers are going out to them, too.”

Ellen DeGeneres Reportedly Leaves Wife Portia de Rossi For A Man

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In an extremely shocking move, daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres, one of the most ‘celebrated’ members of the LGBQT community in Hollywood, has announced publicly that she is leaving wife of 8 years Portia de Rossi. The shocking information comes hot on the heels of leaked photos of the public figure out and about in Hollywood with a new beau who, curiously, is a man.

“It is true that Portia and I are parting ways, although we remain extremely close friends,” said Ellen on her talk show last week. “I would love to keep my private life, well, private, as I did for many years, but I know that will not happen, because people are obsessed with the love lives of people they don’t know. Especially if that love life involves hot lesbian action.”

As for the man who paparazzi have photographed on multiple situations with DeGeneres, so far the star has remained mum on who it is.

“He is not a celebrity or anyone of note, and he is someone with whom I have been friends with for a long time,” said DeGeneres. “While this is all very new as far as a relationship is concerned, our love is definitely not new. He’s always been there for me, and I for him, even while I was with Portia. Now we are just taking that friendship to a new level. I mean, I have to see what all this penis fuss is all about, don’t I?”

Cop Who Threw Student To Floor In Classroom Commended For Not Shooting Teen

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COLUMBIA, South Carolina –

According to a statement released by the Columbia, SC police department, Officer Ben Fields, the officer who drew national attention for a viral video that showed him slamming a female African-American teen to the floor in a classroom dispute, has been commended and rewarded with a promotion for his “keen use” of police and law enforcement skills in a difficult situation.

“The Columbia Police Department is pleased to offer our congratulations to officer Ben Fields, who resisted the obvious temptation of using his service revolver in what would have been the ideal situation, and instead defused a situation non-violently,” said Police Chief Rick Stuart. “We are extremely happy to announce that officer Fields has been promoted to a new position within the department, so we’d like to congratulate deputy detective Ben Fields.”

Officer Fields was initially put on leave after the altercation went viral, but investigation by police into the incident and the video proved that Fields was in the clear.

“Officer Fields could have rightly chose to use deadly force against this black student, as she was causing problems in class, and had been told to leave,” said Stuart. “Although easily justified if Fields has pulled his weapon, he chose to end the manner in a non-violent way, and was able to not only clear the classroom of any further disruption, he did it with no injuries to himself or any fellow law enforcement. It was the perfect arrest, and we are extremely proud of our officer’s actions.”

Dr. Ben Carson’s Name Appears On Leaked List of KKK Members

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a curious reveal of private information, Dr. Ben Carson, a member of the Republican party who is currently running for president, was listed in the database of names released by Anonymous that detailed membership in the Ku Klux Klan.

According to the hacker group, Carson is part of the South Knights of Order, a long-standing KKK affiliated group based out of Alabama. According to Carson himself, though, Anonymous got it wrong.

“I have no idea where this information comes from, but it’s definitely not accurate,” said Carson. “There is no way that I would ever associate with a group so entwined with the hatred of my people. It just doesn’t make sense. I think even if they tried to recruit me, I would just ignore them. I’d say ‘I think you want that white guy over there,’ and be on my way.”

According to Anonymous members, though, all of the information they’ve released is 100% accurate. In a note left on the message boards of 4Chan, Anonymous members say that Dr. Carson is a liar who is trying to save face.

“No one would elect a black KKK member into the presidency,” said user MartianMartin94. “If Carson were white, he might still have a chance, but because he’s black and in the Klan, there’s no way anyone will vote for him now. I mean, Donald Trump is a bigot and a moron, but he’s white, so he might still get in. Carson is finished, though.”

Japanese Trend of Having Eyes Dyed Comes To United States

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

For the last several years, Japanese teens have been spending plenty of money on a massive trend mostly favored by the dance club scene, wherein surgeons will permanently dye and change the color or design of their eyes. The insane trend, which began in late 2008, has finally made its way to the United States, with many plastic surgeons saying they cannot keep up with the demand from clients.

“I have had about 20 teens over the last 2 weeks all come in to have their eyes changed, dyed, and decorated,” said Dr. Marsha Lawrence, of Lawrence Plastic Surgery in Los Angeles. “It’s insane. The technology is very new, even with the year that it has been happening overseas, so the risks are still high. Sadly, of those 20 teens, 3 of them have already completely lost their eyesight. They say they don’t mind, though, as their eyes look awesome.”

Teens across the country have been making appointments with plastic surgeons to have eye work, as the trend is so new it isn’t currently regulated, and is open to anyone of any age.

“I have done it to anyone younger than 14 myself,” said Dr. Lawrence. “I know, though, of some colleagues that have done children as young as 9. They really love it.”

Parents are urged to talk to their children about FX contacts, instead.

Justin Bieber Says He’s Retiring From Music, Wants To Focus On Writing Novel

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

After storming off stage after only one song during his last concert, Justin Bieber has announced that he is retiring from music and performing to work on a novel he has been “tinkering with” for the last few years.

“I’ve been writing a historical fiction novel, set during World War II,” said Bieber in a recent interview. “It’s something I’m very passionate about. It’s a love story, a story of war and of peace, and it’s a story of traditional values and family, and I think it’s one that needs to be told.”

The pop singer, best known for making trash songs such as “Baby,” shocked fans when he announced his intentions of writing a book.

“I know there will be lots of people, especially young, naive girls, who think that I am giving up on them, but I’m not,” said Bieber. “Actually, what I’m doing is giving them a new creative avenue to explore. If you love my music, then you’ll love my novel.”

Bieber reportedly has a publishing deal worth over $1 million with Penguin/Random House Publishing. The book is due in late 2016.

Blind Klan Member Kills Himself After Sleeping With African-American Prostitute

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HARLAN COUNTY, Kentucky –

Marshall Rogers, a longtime racist and self-proclaimed bigot, reportedly hung himself after discovering that he had slept with an African-American prostitute.

Rogers, who was legally blind, has paid for the services of Amber Grey, a prostitute in his hometown where Rogers was an active member of the Ku Klux Klan. Although Grey says that she knew that Rogers would be “extremely upset” if he found out she wasn’t white, she continued to allow him to pay for sex.

“I thought it was hilarious, really,” said Grey. “He would call me up, I’d go over. He thought I was white, I guess, because he’d always talk about how glad he was to find a nice ‘white piece of ass’ out of all the ‘nigger trash’ that whored themselves out. Frankly, I needed the money, and it kind of made me happy to be putting one over on the old racist bastard.”

After several months of procuring Grey’s services, Rogers was informed by members of the Klan that she was not white, and Rogers, who was reportedly already unstable after losing his eyesight during Vietnam, hanged himself in his den. He left a note addressed to his Klan, although police are not saying what it contained.

Grey, who has been cooperating with police on any information she is able to provide, will not be charged with any crimes in the part of Rogers’ death, although she has been arrested for solicitation.

Presidential Candidate Dr. Ben Carson Arrested For Conspiracy In Popeye’s Chicken Robbery

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Dr. Ben Carson, the Republican candidate for president, has reportedly been arrested for a crime he allegedly committed several years ago. According to an interview Dr. Carson gave on national TV that has since made the rounds, he admitted that during a robbery at a Popeye’s Chicken Restaurant, he aided the felon by directing him to rob the cashier at gunpoint.

“I have had a gun held on me when I was in a Popeye’s organization,” the retired neurosurgeon told Karen Hunter on Sirius XM Radio, referring to the fried chicken fast-food chain. “[A] guy comes in, puts the gun in my ribs. And I just said, ‘I believe that you want the guy behind the counter.”

Police in Baltimore, where the incident took place, say that the admission of guilt in part of the crime was enough for the arrest. They are currently seeking leads on his accomplice, the aforementioned robber with the gun.

For his part, Dr. Carson says that he is an “innocent man,” and was merely telling the story to gain sympathy and to show he had an understanding of gun violence, something that has confused everyone who has heard the story ever since he told it.

“Dr. Carson seems like one of those people who is so damn smart that they may actually be really, really stupid,” said Joe Goldsmith, a Baltimore resident who formerly worked at a Popeye’s Chicken Restaurant. “I don’t recall Dr. Carson ever coming into the place I worked, but if he had, and told a robber to come point a gun at me, I’d have whooped his ass.”

Carmelo Anthony Reportedly Overdoses On Medical-Grade Marijuana

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK, New York –

In 2004, Carmelo Anthony of the NBA’s New York Knicks was cited for trying to board a place with a bag of marijuana. Although Anthony claimed he was just “holding it for a friend” who had borrowed his bag, Anthony has apparently started dipping into that friend’s stash, as he was hospitalized on Friday evening with acute marijuana poisoning.

“Carmelo Anthony was admitted to the New York State General Hospital on Friday evening after reportedly smoking over a quarter of a pound of marijuana,” said hospital administrators. “This is the first instance of marijuana overdose in the world, and we are working diligently to make sure Mr. Anthony is comfortable.”

Doctors say that they are providing Anthony with plenty of fluids, including Monster Energy drinks, as well as foods to keep him stable, such as Bugles and Fritos.

“He’ll no doubt be on his feet again in no time,” said Anthony’s physician. “We do recommend, though, that he cut back on the amount of weed he smokes. That’s an awful lot to take in at one time.”