Congress Passes Nationwide Legalization of Recreational Marijuana

Posted on January 30, 2015 by thebluntman

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Weed smokers all over the United States lit up a victory joint on Friday morning in celebration of a legislative decision to allow recreational marijuana to be used in restrictive quantities in all fifty states. The decision came from President Obama, and was broadcast live on over fifty different streaming websites. Obama announced the decision at a gathering of weed smokers in Washington, D.C.

The historical decision was announced in a broadcast that lasted less than five minutes. President Obama said, “We, as the American people have rights and privileges in this country. These rights and privileges have included things like smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol. Today, our country takes another step forward. It is my executive decision, as President of the United States of America, to legalize the use of recreational marijuana in all fifty states. Now, this isn’t absolute freedom – there will be some minor restrictions on the amount you can buy in one day. Also, all offenders of weed-related crimes are to be evaluated and released from their incarceration, ultimately saving millions in taxpayer dollars.”

The crowd of weed smokers cheered as they quickly pulled out their easily accessible blunts to take a drag of freedom. A man nearby handed Obama his joint, and Obama smoked it with a large smile on my face. “This is what I’m talking about,” Obama shouted. “This is freedom!”

Local pothead Jordan Reiss, through a cloud of smoke, gave his shout of approval to President Obama. “Bruh, I never thought this would happen in, like, my lifetime. Obama my man, if you want a third term, you’ve got my vote.”

Before professionally heading back to the White House, the President was seen looking absolutely stoned with bloodshot eyes and a goofy smile on his face. He waved to the crowd and gave the stoners a big thumbs-up.

After coming down from his stupor, Obama was unavailable for comment.

Obama Mandates Muslim Sensitivity Training Starting In Elementary School

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Schools that want to keep their federal funding will now have to teach Muslim sensitivity, according to reports from the White House. The mandate, signed by President Obama on Thursday afternoon, calls for all students starting at the elementary level to take classes on the importance of being sensitive towards Muslims. Critics claim that this is another wasteful program, and another extreme example of Obama’s overreach.

“The time has come for Americans to be more sensitive to the Muslim religion,” President Obama said to reporters in a speech from the White House. ”With sensitivity training starting in elementary schools, we are guaranteeing a more sensitive generation. The Muslim religion is not like other religions, and the Muslim people are extremely sensitive whenever someone jokes, mocks, or even misunderstands their religion. We want all children to know that it’s okay to make fun of Jews and Catholics, because they know how to take a joke. Muslims can’t take a joke, as they don’t know joy or humor. So it’s important for us to change as Americans in order to make the Muslims happy.”

“Why should we change? Why don’t them damn Muslims take an improv class or something, and learn how to take a joke?” said Senator Ted Cruz after the announcement by Obama. ”We’re Americans, and this country is at its greatest when we’re being politically incorrect and taking jabs at people who are different. I remember even Bugs Bunny got to call Japanese people slants and gooks in the cartoons of my era. Damn, those were the good old days. When I’m President I promise to offend everybody, every day, the way it should be – the way it used to be!”

President Obama Names Rapper Snoop Dogg As Ambassador To Cuba

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The White House announced today the President’s pick for Ambassador to Cuba. The President has chosen rapper Snoop Dogg, a decision that curiously did not seem to ruffle too many feathers.

“My choices for Ambassadors have been the target of right-wing attacks in the past,” said President Obama. “It’s true some of my picks on the surface seem bizarre. Soap opera stars and campaign contributors who know nothing of the country or even the language of the countries they are appointed to. What people don’t realize is that it’s more important to represent America well than to actually care about the country you’re in.”

Obama went on to explain that he spends many hours laying awake at night, deciding who should be appointed to which country.

“My choice in appointing Mr. Dogg as Ambassador to Cuba is a good one, as even far right racists will have a hard time complaining. Mr. Dogg knows the language, he has family from Cuba on his Mother’s side, and since ‘his mind is on his money and his money is on his mind’, he has never contributed to any of my campaigns.”

“I’m going to be a great Ambassador,” said Snoop Dogg through a haze of smoke. ”I love Cubans, especially the ladies and the cigars. Those things can be rolled into the best blunts on the planet. I can see it now, me and Castro, smoking blunts at the beach, talking about freedom and democracy. It’s going to be chill. I’m all about chillaxing, love, and the American way. Cuba will be the most laid back place in the world once the Dogg gets there.”

NASA Scientists Admit Moon Landing Was A Hoax

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOUSTON, Texas –

NASA officials today admitted what many conspiracy theorists have been claiming for years, that man never walked on the moon. Chief scientist Alan Anderson said the lunar landing hoax had ‘gone on long enough,’ and that it was becoming ridiculous to keep claiming that men have been to the moon.

”You have to understand, NASA was under a lot of pressure when President Kennedy promised the Nation that he’d put a man on the moon before the Ruskies,” said Space Technology Scientist Alan Anderson. “We told him it was impossible, so he knew it had to be faked.”

“As the story goes he threatened to cut off funding if we didn’t go along with the hoax,” said NASA engineer Rod Sterling. “People are smarter these days, and it’s getting more ridiculous and more difficult to keep the lie going. We’re coming forward today to put an end to the lies and the manipulation of the public, and to put a stop to a planned 2018 hoax Mars mission. NASA does a lot of good things, and our technology advances have helped mankind in many ways. I just don’t want to see us waste our time and your tax dollars. We have real work to do.”

NASA spokesmen said that President Obama had, like all presidents before him, knowledge of the hoax, and was required to keep it a secret by the CIA and the White House.

“In the government, it’s normally extremely hard to keep a secret. Something like this, I can’t believe we’ve been able to keep it going this long,” said Anderson. “I mean, Nixon couldn’t keep a break-in at a hotel under wraps, and Clinton couldn’t keep his affairs out of the media for more than 5 minutes. I honestly can’t believe no one has spilled the beans before now.”

Identity of Malia Obama’s Baby-Daddy Is Leaked – You’ll Never Believe Who The Father Is!

Posted on December 31, 2014 by Angela Baker

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Now just over four months in to her pregnancy, spanks will soon stop concealing Malia’s budding baby bump when she appears in public with her family.

“They got on my case about rolling my eyes at the Turkey pardoning. Truth is, I was super nauseous,” said Malia. “Ever tried to stand in front of thousands of people, with cameras and lights everywhere, and all you want to do is puke? I begged Daddy not to have to go, but appearances are all that matters to anybody around here.”

When asked about the possible paternity of Malia’s baby, White House representatives have no official comment at this time, instead deflecting by saying the Obama’s are having a nice family vacation away from ‘all this nonsense.’

Sources at Malia’s school, though, claim that they are fully aware of who the father is, and they say that it’s not who everyone first suspected.

“At first we all, like, thought she was just lying about the whole thing to get her old boyfriend Conner back. Conner and Malia hardly ever got alone time, ’cause of like, the secret service and paparazzi everywhere and stupid stuff like that, so Conner broke it off,” says Amanda, a 17-year-old ‘frenemy’ of Malia’s. “But that made Malia, like, super pissed and totally jello. So, she made a big deal in the media about how her baby-daddy wasn’t going to pay his child support because he was white. It was so racist. It totally broke Conner’s heart, too. But like, don’t worry about Conner. I’m keeping him, like, totally happy now.”

According to Amy, though, the real father was never Conner at all. “What I heard from another friend at school that is like, super close with Malia is that [Malia] has always had a thing for someone in the royal family,” said Amy. “She totally likes men in power, of course. When you’re, like, rich, or like, the president’s daughter, that probably just happens naturally. Anyway, apparently Malia snuck off with Prince Harry a couple of times when he was visiting the U.S. I think he’s like, totally gotta be the father. Which is like, so gross, because he’s really old. At least when she has the baby, they’re going to have, like, the best nannies that money can buy.”

The Obamas are currently on vacation in Hawaii, and had ‘nothing to say’ on the matter. No members of the Royal Family could be reached for comment.

President Obama Announces He Will Resign Amid Allegations He Is Leader Of New Black Panther Movement

Posted on December 31, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a developing story that has landed a bombshell upon newsrooms across the world, President of the United States Barack Obama announced he will resign from office after a disgruntled member of the New Black Panther movement has come forward with proof that the President has been giving direct orders to the group.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest made the shocking announcement just moments ago among a stunned room of journalists and reporters.

“President Barack Obama has decided to resign from office as news has surfaced regarding his alleged involvement with the new Black Panther movement, and being harassed by the American people whenever he wants to go out and have some fun,” Earnest announced. “Sometime tomorrow, Vice President Joseph Biden will assume office as President of the United States of America.”

Late last night, several media outlets released a video tape of Obama speaking at a Black Panther rally in which he made a statement to a large group of members.

“It is time to finish the job and take over what is owed to us. If they want a fight, we will give them a fight,” Obama said. “It is time that freedom has spoken.” The Obama Administration claims the statements were taken out of context, as he was referring to the ongoing feuding with North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, but also stated the President is just tired of being picked on every time he wants to go on vacation.

The President then took to the stand to give his side of the story. “It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to give the American people what they want; Joe Biden in the Oval office. I get blamed for everything. The American people have spoken and have stated that everything bad in their lives is specifically my fault, and I’m sick of it,” the President said. “I’m going to take my ball and go home, I quit. You won’t have me to kick around anymore.”

Members of the Associated Press pressured the president for further comment, but the commander-in-chief refused questions.

“See what you people have done? You’ve run the first black president straight out of office with your jokes and your ridicule,” said vice-president Joe Biden. “Not that I’m complaining. Guess it’s my turn to give it a whirl!”

Inspired by Movie ‘Gravity,’ Obama Plans To Be First President In Outer Space

Posted on December 29, 2014 by davittslat

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an unprecedented White House meeting, President Obama met members of the press with NASA officials by his side. The President was beaming as he announced plans to become the first President to travel into outer space, planning the trip before his term ends in early 2016.

Obama will reportedly be taking a sabbatical and moving to Houston towards the end of 2015 to go through an extensive eight-week training class on how to become an astronaut. Part of the training will include mock simulations in zero gravity.

“Michelle and I recently caught up with everyone else in the country and finally watched Gravity. George Clooney’s character got me thinking that I should try that. I contacted the good people of NASA, and they welcomed the idea,” stated Obama. “I will be following in the footsteps of President Eisenhower, when in 1958 his voice was heard through a satellite – or when President Kennedy predicted there would be a man on the moon one day.”

Obama says that he is looking forward to his trip, and doesn’t think that the dangers faced by astronauts should be any worry for him.

“To be the first President in outer space is an honor. Of course many Americans believe George W. Bush was the first President in outer space,” joked Obama. “The Sy-Fy channel will be there to document my training. I look forward to trying to eat potato chips while floating.”

Upon hearing the news of Obama’s planned space launch, Russian prime minister, Vladimir Putin, flew into a rage and vowed that he – not President Obama – would be considered the first world leader circling the Earth’s hemispheres. All previous plans at Star City have been scrapped in preparing for Putin to arrive and start his training as a cosmonaut.

New Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell also was hesitant to extol the President on his intergalactic preparation.

“Apparently the President thinks immigration, health care, or the economy will be solved by eating a bag of Doritos in space. What’s next? Hillary [Clinton] eating a Snickers on Mars?”

EPA, President Obama Seek To Outlaw Gasoline, Diesel Engines In Automobiles

Posted on December 23, 2014 by mike the inkman

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

For over a century, Americans have been getting from place to place by relying on crude oil and fossil fuels. You might say that it is a part of our culture; gas guzzling hot rods and slicked back hair have given way to gas guzzling Hummers and slicked back hair. But now, a new emergency legislation, penned by a group of up-and-comers at the EPA, will make gasoline engines a thing of the past.

EPA Special Studies Chairman, Akiko Kim, explained the need for the new law in a largely ignored Congressional Hearing back in October of this year.

“You have all these midlife crisis Corvettes, and these Over-Testosteroned off-road trucks out there, just belching carbon into the air. These people are Mongoloids. They are killing their own children and they don’t even care,” said Kim. “There is no accountability. I wish we could put them all in FEMA camps. Sadly, we can’t, so the next best thing should be done, and that is to take away their toys in an attempt to destroy the life they lead.”

The law would see all cars that do not pass emissions tests (including classics, which have been exempt up to this point) impounded if they are operated on public property. This new ruling would start in July 2015, the start of the government’s fiscal calendar. The auto industry would also be banned from releasing any further gasoline models.

Kim thinks it is a good start. ”These rich guys just cruising around in their classic gas guzzlers are gonna get a wake up call. And these automakers who have been killing us for years will find themselves out of business if they do not adapt. Electric and alternative-fuel vehicles are the way of the future, and they should rapidly become the way of the present, too.”

“I don’t care ’bout them fuckin’ tree huggers,” said long-time diesel enthusiast Joe Lee Roberts. “I’ll roll coal on the EPA lawn, and if they don’t like it, we can schedule a second amendment meeting.”

President Obama, who is known to be an avid supporter of all things environmentally friendly, is expected to sign the bill into law after the Christmas holiday break.

Poll Shows Large Portion Of U.S. Voters Think ‘Being Black’ Is Now Required Of Presidential Candidates

Posted on December 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a recent CNN Poll of likely voters, 49% said that they believed being black was now required to be President. The same poll also showed 37% believed the new requirement was to alternate between black and white Presidents. The last 14% believed that the next President has to be a woman.

“Well, that just shows how stupid polls are,” said Dennis Wallace, a 22-year-old registered Democrat. “All you ever hear is how inaccurate polls are, and I guess it’s true. I mean, how many whatevers does it take to screw in a light bulb, and that one about them having a screen door on their submarine – polls are stupid. Everyone knows the rule to electing a president is now black man, white woman, black woman, and then white man.”

23-year-old Regina Banks, who registered as an Independent said, “Doesn’t congress pick the President? I mean isn’t that’s why we elect them, to represent us? Or is that something to do with the election college, or…wait. No, we vote, and congress sends people to the election college to pick the president. Right?”

“I wish the people were right. Personally, I wouldn’t mind seeing more black Presidents,” said Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). “I always thought Denzel Washington would make a good President. He lives in my district, and if there was any chance we could get him to run, I would gladly write a bill requiring all Presidents to be black. You know if that happened, then the republicans would make a fuss and start waving the constitution around like a bunch of children.”

“It’s weird that just because we have a black president that people think they all have to be black from now on,” said Senator Ted Cruz, who has been considering a run for president in 2016. “I don’t want people to not vote for me if I run just because I’m not black, and they think I can’t win. No one thought that it was required of the president to be a fat jazz enthusiast after Clinton took office, so why would they have to be black because of Obama?”

Michelle Obama Announces Presidential Run in 2016

Posted on December 4, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Hot on the heels of an announcement from former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, First Lady Michelle Obama today launched an exploratory committee to consider a Democratic presidential campaign in 2016. This first step could fill the field with women candidates, including Hillary Clinton and ultra-liberal Elizabeth Warren.

“After talking to Barack and the girls, I feel running for President is the right thing to do,” said Michelle Obama. “My years in the White House have given me insight on how the government works. While Hillary would play centrist, and Ms. Warren plays far left, plus Sarah Palin, who barely can play at all, I will split the middle, perfect playing both sides.”

When asked whether or not she would simply follow her husband’s path and policies if elected, Michelle Obama answered that she appreciated what he has done for the country, and that he would be a ‘great advisor’ to her.

“Years of watching my husband have taught me the secret of being a great politician: agree with everybody, then do what you want afterwards. Barack got as far as he did by calling those who didn’t agree with his policies a racist, so think how far I can get calling them a racist and a sexist. My slogan will be ‘Let’s Finish Transforming America,’ because Barack didn’t have time to complete our vision for the country. A vote for me will get the job done right. No more privately owned business, no more free press, no more individual landowners, no more guns, no more freedom of speech, and no more God, unless his name is Muhammad.”

“With me as First Man helping her out, there’s no reason why we won’t finish the job I started,” said President Obama. “Plus that’s at least four more years of using Air Force One to get to my golf outings, which would be nice.”

“ Huh, she said what?” Senator Ted Cruz,” How do you like me now America, I’m suddenly the sane one. Vote for me and I’ll give you more business, more guns, more God and more freedom.”