Elderly Woman, 94, Gives Birth To Healthy Baby Girl

Posted on February 14, 2015 by katy_rev

BURNSVILLE, West Virginia –

94-year-old Margaret Holmwood from Burnsville, West Virginia gave a birth to a healthy baby girl yesterday morning, and both mother and baby are reportedly doing fine. The baby, named Mary, weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces.

Margaret Holmwood already has two previous children. Her first, Jeremy Halmwood, is now 62 years old, and her daughter, Jennifer, is 71. Reporters reached out to Jeremy to discuss how he felt about having a new sibling who is over 60 years younger than he is.

“Well, it’s a little bit strange, I admit, but my mother has always been an unconventional woman. She divorced my father and married a man 48 years younger her junior,” said Jeremy Halmwood. “Three years ago, she climbed Mount Everest. She dances cha-cha at at a local dance studio every other day. I’m not so very surprised. At least my grandchildren will have some company to play with.”

Doctors from St. Mary’s Medical Center are impressed with Hollwood’s strength and young spirit. “Mrs. Holmwood has lived a very healthy lifestyle. Even though she is 94, she has the body of a 40-year-old. The birth was simple, we encountered no difficulties. It’s incredible,” says Dr. Patrick Collins.

Holmwood is interested in Eastern philosophy. She practices yoga and tai chi, eats only organic vegetables and lots of rice. She claims this is the way to stay young and fit for many, many years. “In my free time, I dance, climb, cook vegan delights. I don’t sit in front of TV with a bag of chips. I feel full of energy, and I am ready to raise Mary now,” says Margaret. “They will certainly keep me young. I only hope these ol’ teats will still deliver. God knows that no baby likes powdered milk!”

According to the doctors, Holmwood is a proof that people could live longer and age slower.

“She’s a miracle of modern health and science,” said Dr. Collins. “I only hope that when I’m 94, I’m half as energetic as Margaret.”

Brian Williams Eyed To Replace Jon Stewart On ‘The Daily Show’

Posted on February 14, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In recent weeks, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams has come under fire after admitting to having lied about an incident in which he was shot down in a helicopter in Iraq. More of the journalist’s anecdotes have since come under fire, including a story of being held at gunpoint as a teenager, and flying with the undercover SEALS Team 6 into Baghdad.

But latest reports indicate that the disgraced journalist may have had an endgame in sight. After Jon Stewart announced his retirement from The Daily Show on Tuesday night, Williams has told press that he’s accepted an interview for the funny-man position as host of the Comedy Central nightly satire.

“Brian is the perfect person to replace Jon Stewart,” said former Daily Show correspondent John Oliver. “He spent 10 years on the Nightly News, proving that he can remain a stable host, even while reporting mostly made up stories. What’s more, he now has years of material for self-deprecating comedy. It’s ingenious.”

NBC executives have denied reports, stating that “although he has been suspended without pay, Brian Williams is still contracted to us. We now know that he is an arrogant liar and, well, a total douchebag, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s our douchebag.”

Williams himself was enigmatic. When he coincidentally passed by CNN offices, he took the opportunity to tell reporters about his personal experience on the original series of The Daily Show.

“I was Jon Stewart’s first interview. It was back in 1998, and I had inside info into the arrest of former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet. You see, not only was I there, but I actually clamped the handcuffs around his wrists. It was one of the greatest privileges of my career, even better than taking the first blow at the Berlin Wall, and being the only surviving passenger from that 4th hijacked plane in the 9/11 attacks. So I told Jon Stewart all the funny things that Pinochet had said. Oh, how we laughed.”

At time of press, footage of his Daily Show interview had yet to be located.

Apple Rolls Out New ‘Adult’ Emojis In Attempt to Prevent Teens from Sexting With Real Photos

Posted on February 14, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

In an apparent bid to stop teenage sexting, Apple plans on rolling out a new range of raunchy emojis, displaying various sex acts. The move comes after a scandal at an elementary school in Wisconsin, where nude photos of school goers landed up on Facebook, sparking shame and outcry.

“It’s for the safety of the kids. As adults we know how dangerous it is for us to make compromising pictures available, but children don’t realize it could come back to haunt them,” said one Apple executive. “Since promoting abstinence has not made a significant difference, we’re now implementing new ways of practicing safe sexting.”

In order to make the range as relevant as possible, the new emojis will feature, in addition to a huge variety of homo- and heterosexual acts, genitalia of three different sizes – small, medium and large.

“We want them to be personal,” said project manager, Brian McAlly. “A boy with a small penis, sending to a girl with a large vagina, cannot be sending a picture of a large member penetrating a tight hole. That won’t do for him – he wants the girl to see as accurate a representation of his junk as possible, and visualize her orifice as realistically as possible.”

Parents have been unanimous in their support of the move. At a recent PTA meeting at a school in New York, parental rep Molly Gingrich announced the group’s satisfaction at the development.

“When I saw Jimmy’s penis on my Anna’s phone, I got the shock of my life,” she said to shouts of agreement. “He has a hideous dick, which subsequently ended up on Tumblr. And I worried that my daughter’s ugly vagina might share the same fate. It might ruin her chances of having the busy sex life I know she doesn’t deserve.”

The teaching body, however, disagreed.

“I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again,” principal John Skinner pronounced. “Sexting is part of regular teenage behavior. It should not be reduced into tiny representations of dirty coitus. My colleagues and I often keep tabs on the images that are making the rounds, and have seen nothing wrong in them. If anything, our students do a good job at photographing their junk from the most flattering angle possible.”

At press time, parents were browsing some of the teachers’ favorites, and had agreed that actually, they can be proud of the publicity of their children’s’ genitals.

Boxing Champion Floyd Mayweather Jr. Admits He Does Not Want To Fight Manny Pacquiao

Posted on February 14, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rapper Curtis “50-Cent” Jackson recently told Sports Illustrated reporter Chris Mannix that he thought that Floyd Mayweather was “scared to death” to fight Manny Pacquiao, implying that Mayweather was afraid of getting beaten or hurt. When Mayweather was asked about the rumor by Los Angeles Observer reporter Nick Tomlinson, Mayweather admitted that he did not want to fight Pacquiao, and would rather do “anything else” than step into the ring with him.

“Hell na, I don’t want to fight Manny Pacquiao,” Mayweather said. “But I ain’t scared of 50-Cent so he can just shut his damn mouth, he don’t speak for me, he is just a punk. I bet he would be scared to fight Manny, too, so I don’t know who he think he is – for real, I wouldn’t say I am scared to death to fight the dude, but I sure as the hell don’t wanna take the chance, even though I think I’d beat his little ass. I can’t be beat, nobody can or ever will beat me, but I will fight who the hell I wanna fight, put that in your little damn newspapers!”

Pacquiao responded to Mayweather’s statements with laughter. “You can’t take that guy [Mayweather] seriously. He says he cannot be beat but yet he admits he don’t want to fight? In the boxing business that means you are scared. If he is not scared, my message to him is to quit dodging the paperwork and lets make this thing official, Floyd Mayweather, will you or will you not fight me? You cannot runaway any longer. It is time to get this things set up, quit being a punk.” Pacquiao said.

Nickelodeon To Air Reruns Of HBO’s ‘Game Of Thrones’, ‘Real Sex’ During Late Night Hours

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

Viacom Media Networks, who owns and operates children’s programming network Nickelodeon, has announced that the company has signed a deal with HBO to air reruns of the popular series Game of Thrones, as well as reruns of the once popular Real Sex series, which HBO aired from 1990 – 2009.

Viacom CEO Thomas Bradbury said that the move will round out a great schedule of broadcasting for Nickelodeon. “During the late-morning up until early-evening hours Nickelodeon programming is obviously directed toward the children’s demographic, which left quite a void in the early-morning hours, which we will now be calling ‘Twilight Shift Programming’,” Bradbury said earlier today.

Bradbury said that other programs will be added to a four-hour block from midnight to 4am, but that no other programs have yet been made official. “Eventually, we will be able to fill the four hour twilight time period with four different programs, but as of now, it looks like the block will consists of two hours Game of Thrones, and two hours of Real Sex.”

Asked whether or not the adult related content in the programs would contradict their daytime programming, Bradbury stated that it simply would not be an issue. “We do not believe anyone will find any harm in the programming, in fact we feel that customers will be greatly pleased, because now there will be something for everyone on Nickelodeon,” the CEO said. “Once the kids go to bed, you can enjoy all the sex, beheadings, incest, boobs, and blood you crave, but without having to pay for an extra cable subscription.”

Nickelodeon is slated to begin airing the programs this spring.

Bill Gates Loses $1 Billion Dollars At Horse Races

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Bill Gates is reportedly missing one billion dollars after he lost it at the race tracks. Gates said that he was just there to watch the horses, and the money must have fallen out of his pocket. Sources say that, although he never bets, he can often be seen at the tracks, as he is a big lover of the majestic equines.

“He graces us with his presence all the time,” said track owner Reilly O’Connor. “We let him examine each horse, explain which ones are the favorites, which are the best bets, how the weather conditions will affect them, and all sorts of other insider information. Then he sits down with a drink and placidly watches.”

Top Forbes journalist, Macy Taylor, spoke to us about what impact this has on his status in the financial world.

“Bill essentially lost 1.25% of his net worth. Although that sounds small, when you’re dealing with big numbers, it’s enough to feed a small country for the rest of their lives,” said Taylor. “Still, it is not enough to oust him from his position as the richest man in the world.”

However, close friend and associate to the business magnate, John Henry, says there is cause for concern.

“He’s doing it more and more often,” he told the press. “Last week it was $10 million while watching a poker tournament. The week before it was $100 million visiting the restaurant at a casino. Maybe he shouldn’t be carrying such big amounts around, but what’s really concerning is how absent-minded he’s become.”

When asked about the incident, Gates chuckled nervously and said, “I guess it’s time to get some new pairs of pants. The old ones obviously have big holes in the pockets!”

Kobe Bryant Announces Retirement From NBA

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kobe Bryant has made an official announcement through his publicist, Michelle Conway, stating that he will retire after this basketball season, with plans to enroll in adult acting classes to pursue his dream of becoming a Hollywood star.

Conway said in the statement that Bryant has always loved playing basketball, but said that his lifetime dream is to be an actor. “Kobe wants all of his fans to know that he is very grateful for the overwhelming support he has received over the years, but he wishes to go after his lifetime goal of being an actor,” Conway announced. “He has awards and championship rings up the wazoo, but his dream is to place an Oscar on his mantle. He sincerely hopes that his fans will understand, and continue to support him by seeing any and all of his future films.”

Former teammate Shaquille O’Neal stated that Bryant always talked about being an actor after he finished his career in basketball.

“He was always talking about how he wanted to be an actor when he ‘grew up.’ I wish him the best, he was good at the game, but showbiz is a totally different beast,” O’Neal said. “I don’t expect him to have it as easy as I did, it just came natural to me, like basketball does, but like everything else, he will have to just do what he has always done and fake his way through it, aiming for that gold. He should be all right in flicks.”

Bryant’s former coach Phil Jackson said that he believes in Kobe. “If he just uses the tools he learned as a player and finds peace within himself, keeps his mind open, and forever trusts in Buddah, he shall never fail,” Jackson commented.

Mariah Carey Says She Is Pregnant With Michael Jackson’s Baby Thanks To Artificial Insemination

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

TRIBECA, New York –

Mariah Carey has issued a shocking announcement this morning via her publicist Antoinette Peterson. “Mariah would like all of her fans and friends know that she is in fact pregnant after successfully being artificially inseminated by the sperm of the legendary Michael Jackson,” Peterson said in an email sent out to various media outlets.

In the years since Jackson’s death in June of 2009, there had been rumors and speculation amongst peers of the music industry that Jackson had routinely had his semen stored and frozen in a secret location. Just recently, his ex-wife Debbie Rowe stated in an interview that she, in fact, knew that Jackson had a dream of creating a ‘super group’ consisting of his unborn children with famous female singers.

“He would always talk about it, and commissioned a firm to collect and store his semen, so he could ‘hire’ his favorite female singers to be inseminated with it,” Rowe said.

It is believed that Carey was asked by Jackson in 2005 to be the mother of his child. Peterson said that Carey was paid a lofty sum by Jackson at an undisclosed time before his death to mother the child before the year 2017, as was agreed upon within the terms of the contract.

Rowe said that she believes there is a lot more of Jackson’s sperm available, and that now that the first mother-to-be has come to surface, that others should begin to come forward as well. “He wanted to re-create his own version of the Jackson 5, but he wanted them to be perfect and to have the right pedigree,” Rowe said. “It would not surprise me if Ms. Carey was signed on for more of these children, as Michael was a huge fan.”

Rumors speculate that other singers Jackson wanted to have father his children include Beyonce, Alicia Keys, and curiously, Janet Jackson.

Over 300 Bodies Found In Hudson River By NYPD; Police Suspect Foul Play

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, NEW YORK –

A group of divers from the New York Police Department made an eerie discovery this morning during a routine training exercise. So far, 327 bodies have been found on the floor of the Hudson river, just off the coast of Midtown-Manhattan, by the NYPD dive team, according to spokesperson James Dailey.

“At approximately 10:15 AM, our divers discovered the bodies during a training exercise. The identities of the deceased are unknown at this time,” Dailey said at an impromptu press conference held outside One Police Plaza in Manhattan. “All of the bodies found were chained to cinder blocks, which were most likely used to weigh down the corpses. We do believe that foul play was involved.”

There is speculation amongst the department of whether or not the bodies are linked to the notorious Del Pino crime family, who had seized control over the city within the past five years, and are most notably believed to be responsible for the deaths of Peter “Half-Foot” Marcini and Ronnie “Staircase Nose” Nanatelli, both known for being masters of the bootleg dvd trade which preys upon tourists visiting the bustling Manhattan.

“It (the Hudson River) seems to suddenly be a very popular place for wrong-doers and murderers to dispose of bodies, much less go as low as to murder adversaries because of misunderstandings. Very rarely in the past would we have pulled a bloat from the Hudson, and we certainly wouldn’t have pulled 300 or more out. Back in the old days, you think the guys woulda resorted to violence to solve the common adversities that life had dealt them? Forget about it,” Dailey concluded. “I tell you though, we really, really need to start diving the Hudson more. Finding a body or two is one thing, finding this many? It’s going to take weeks to sort through them all.”

Neil Armstrong, First Man On The Moon, Dead At 82

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

America is mourning the passing of the first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, at the age of 82. The famous and pioneering astronaut died from health complications brought on by his 2012 death, bringing an end to the celebrated life of this true American pioneer.

His family released a statement, describing Armstrong as a reluctant American hero [who had] served his nation proudly, as a navy fighter pilot, test pilot, and astronaut.

“While we mourn the loss of a very good man, we also celebrate his remarkable life and hope that it serves as an example to young people around the world to work hard to make their dreams come true, to be willing to explore and push the limits, and to selflessly serve a cause greater than themselves.”

The news triggered an outpouring of tributes to the man who took the first “small step” on the Earth’s lunar luminary.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” tweeted fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin. “In his 85 years on this planet, he managed to live 82 solar cycles, which is more than 96% of that time. That’s pretty darn good. Better than most at least.”

The interstellar traveller, who celebrated his 82nd birthday in August 2012, had previously stated that he intended to live forever, even if he did not manage any more years in that time. But friends say they saw his demise coming.

“When he died in 2012, we knew he wouldn’t last that much longer,” said old school friend Randy Haywood. “I mean, the projected life span after dying is usually six months to a year. He fought on for almost three years. That’s a darn good achievement, but like all men, his death finally killed him.”

An anonymous source informed news outlets that Armstrong’s family were to sue doctors treating him for negligence.

“You have to be very cautious when treating a dead man,” said the source. “These doctors weren’t. Although he lasted a remarkably long time, he could’ve lived for years longer, if not for his physician and surgeon’s inconsideration of his ailing condition.”

A trainee, who had regular contact with the lunar lander, was overheard saying that he was never the same after his body stopped working anyway.