Shock-Rocker Marilyn Manson Reveals He Was Adopted, Says Nicolas Cage Is Biological Brother

Posted on January 31, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

HOLLYWOOD, California –

During a shockingly candid fact-filled interview on WEMP-FM radio in Smithdale, Caifornia, 46-year-old shock-rock superstar and part-time actor Marilyn Manson, aka Brian Hugh Warner, revealed to host Metal Mike Monroe that he was adopted at the age of two from August and Joy Coppola, who are the parents of actor Nicolas Cage (born Nicolas Coppola) also making him the nephew of legendary movie director Francis Ford Coppola.

Manson shared personal and intimate details behind the adoption.

“There was just too much talent in the family. August Ford Coppola, my biological father, was a professor of literature, and my biological mother, Joy, was a highly regarded and respected dancer and choreographer. Nick was five years older than me, and already was showing the ability and talent of a gifted actor by the time I was born,” Manson explained.

Nicolas Cage changed his last name from Coppola to Cage at an early age to avoid the appearance of nepotism, being that his uncle Francis Ford Coppola was already a legend in the Hollywood circuit.

Manson said that he became an uncontrollably evil, girl-crazed hellion when he was in his terrible-twos, and the Coppolas simply could not contain his wild streak.

“The day I turned two-years-old, my parents threw a party for me and I had got into the fridge and got one of August’s beers, and before anyone noticed, I drank the whole thing, then ran around the house ripping the diapers off of all the other toddlers at the party. All the other the parents watched the scene in shocked horror,” Manson stated. “So eventually I was adopted by the Warner family, and kept away from society most of my childhood due to my inappropriate youthful behavior – which I never grew out of by the way.”

NASA to Scrap Venus Trip, Using Funds to Study Bruce Jenner

Posted on January 31, 2015 by ZGHarris

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

NASA officials have made the unprecedented announcement regarding the transition a large sum of funds from space exploration to a more terrestrial endeavor. In a recent press release, the plan was made clear. “We have decided to move funds from space exploration to study Bruce Jenner.”

Officials at the National Aeronautics and Space Association stated that the move was decided after a series of groundbreaking feats went relatively unnoticed by the US public. According to officials, NASA must remain more mindful of its popularity to retain funding. Thus, drastic steps must be made to stay in the limelight.

“We simply have to stay relevant to today’s society. In order to do so, we have to be aware of what is popular – what fascinates people,” said Mission Director J.D. Harrington. “What fascinates people right now is Bruce Jenner.”

Jenner recently made waves regarding his interest in transforming into a woman. NASA officials made it clear that their funding the exploration of the former Olympic star were not an unfocused mocking, but instead a true scientific endeavor.

“This isn’t a cheap ploy at all. Nor is it an attempt to demean the transgender community,”
Harrington explained firmly. “The fact is, plenty of people are interested in this. Many are unaware of the transgender process or how it works. In a lot of ways it is more mysterious than space, and NASA has the funds to study this situation and process.”

When asked about the recent finding of Ceres, a dwarf planet in the solar system, as well as the landing on the Rosetta Comet, Harrington was once again frank.

“Sure, we found a new planet-sized object in the asteroid belt. And yes, we landed a machine on a [expletive] asteroid. But no big deal. It’s clear the two most talked about spherical objects in our solar system are on Jenner’s chest. So I guess we’ll just need to study those. Why not cover something that costs less money and seems to interest people?”

NASA has scrapped an upcoming mission to Venus in order to send a probe to orbit Jenner for six weeks. The shuttle is set to launch early next month, weather permitting.

Academy Standing Strong Behind Nominating ‘Old White Men’ For Oscars

Posted on January 31, 2015 by ZGHarris

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Some anonymous Oscar voters have decided enough is enough. After being ridiculed by the public for their award choices, many have taken a very bold and surprising stance.

The 2015 Oscar choices have been criticized for pandering to a particular demographic of “Old White Men.” Many in the media assumed there would be some consideration as to whether the voters themselves may be too skewed into the particular demographic. Given today’s politically-correct society, many in the media also assumed the Academy would take the criticism seriously, and may be interested in considering a change of pace. Apparently that not on their agenda.

“Look, you got these people that think they know what making a movie is,” said one voter. “But the reality is that old white men have been making movies a lot longer than other demographics. They know what they are doing. You don’t get mad at Italians for making better Italian food than everyone else, do you? So why get mad at White men just because they’re excelling at what they are good at?”

The group of voters has remained mostly anonymous for quite some time. It was thought that keeping them anonymous keeps the voters from being bribed and swayed. However, a study found that over three quarters of the voters were white, and the median age was over 60 years old. Many believe that there is enough history to show that old white men in anonymous groups that wield power may not be the best idea.

Some are now openly worried about the direction of the Academy, and many are losing hope that there will be a better system anytime soon. The group now seems to have become entrenched, and are backing its members. They also appear to be emboldened by their anonymity.

A second voter summed it up by stating, “We aren’t just random voters. We’re intelligent white men. Who else would you trust to vote on a subjective art than us? We have years of movie-watching experience under our belts. We can’t help it if Clint Eastwood makes the best movies out there. Others simply have to just get better at what they do.”

Disney To Release R-Rated ‘Muppets Gone Wild’ Film Geared Strictly Toward Adults

Posted on January 31, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BURBANK, California –

Chairman and CEO of the world-famous Walt Disney Company Bob Iger announced earlier today that the franchise will go forward with plans to release an “Adults Only” film, portraying the famous Muppet characters, sometime in late 2015.

The R-Rated film, titled Muppets Gone Wild, will show the fun, loving characters in wildly awkward adult situations, according to Iger. “Over the past fifteen years or so, more and more adults, now primarily ranging from ages thirty to forty-five years old, have shown their love and appreciation and vivid youthful memories of the days of the Muppet Show. With that in the back of our collective and pioneering minds here at Disney, we decided to go forward with a wild idea that has never been done before. Create a film using the famous Muppet characters for adult eyes and ears only,” Iger explained.

The Walt Disney Company purchased The Muppets intellectual properties from Jim Henson Productions on February 17, 2004, which consisted of all rights and branded trademarks of The Muppet Show.

Iger said that some of the adult situations featured in the one-of-a-kind film would deal with casual sex, drug use, addiction, homosexuality, and a vast array of infidelity between lovers.

“This is a very special project for us, and we want to tackle the issues of the children who are now grown up and still having difficulties with the cards dealt to them in life. For instance, it will be revealed in the film that Bert and Ernie are indeed a homosexual couple, and Kermit the Frog, a womanizing, drug-addled sex fiend,” Iger shockingly announced.

The film is scheduled to be released in the fall of 2015.

Shocking DNA Results Revealed: Body Of Elderly Homeless Man Identified As Elvis Presley

Posted on January 31, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

SAN DIEGO, California –

Earlier this month, an 80-year-old, homeless, white-bearded man was found deceased under an overpass in San Diego, California. Nobody knew the man’s name, but friends referred to him as Jessie, so investigators decided to try DNA testing with hopes that something would pop up in the nationwide DNA database. What popped up on the computer screen in the high-tech lab stunned everyone. The DNA results of ‘Jessie Doe’ were an exact match to the one and only, Elvis Aaron Presley.

Lab technician Robert Brensdale said he and his lab assistant, Madeline Hedgespeth, laughed when the name popped up. “We thought somebody, somewhere, somehow in the system pulled the greatest and most elaborate prank on us ever, we both laughed with hysteria for about an hour,” Bresndale told Jerry Hardin of the Hollywood Word, a new entertainment publication based out of Los Angeles.

Brensdale and Hedgespeth then went to their superior with laughter, as if he were the one behind this “prank”. They were told to simmer down and stay quiet, that this was no laughing matter. From there, the results went up the ladder to the FBI and CIA.

Now, weeks later, FBI spokesperson Philip Hunter has revealed that the deceased man’s body was actually the body of Elvis Presley, who had been in the witness protection program since 1977.

“Mr. Presley was placed in the program under a voluntary basis. He was not a witness to any crime or anything like that. Once he had met President Nixon, the two became great friends, and Mr. Presley wanted out of his life, he wanted to be an unknown, so President Nixon made this possible. Yes, it is official – Elvis Presley was really alive all that time, and only a handful of people knew it, most of which are no longer with us.

>> NEXT >> “Bill Clinton Buys Monica Lewinsky’s Famous ‘Stained Dress’ In Online Auction” >>

Congress Passes Nationwide Legalization of Recreational Marijuana

Posted on January 30, 2015 by thebluntman

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Weed smokers all over the United States lit up a victory joint on Friday morning in celebration of a legislative decision to allow recreational marijuana to be used in restrictive quantities in all fifty states. The decision came from President Obama, and was broadcast live on over fifty different streaming websites. Obama announced the decision at a gathering of weed smokers in Washington, D.C.

The historical decision was announced in a broadcast that lasted less than five minutes. President Obama said, “We, as the American people have rights and privileges in this country. These rights and privileges have included things like smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol. Today, our country takes another step forward. It is my executive decision, as President of the United States of America, to legalize the use of recreational marijuana in all fifty states. Now, this isn’t absolute freedom – there will be some minor restrictions on the amount you can buy in one day. Also, all offenders of weed-related crimes are to be evaluated and released from their incarceration, ultimately saving millions in taxpayer dollars.”

The crowd of weed smokers cheered as they quickly pulled out their easily accessible blunts to take a drag of freedom. A man nearby handed Obama his joint, and Obama smoked it with a large smile on my face. “This is what I’m talking about,” Obama shouted. “This is freedom!”

Local pothead Jordan Reiss, through a cloud of smoke, gave his shout of approval to President Obama. “Bruh, I never thought this would happen in, like, my lifetime. Obama my man, if you want a third term, you’ve got my vote.”

Before professionally heading back to the White House, the President was seen looking absolutely stoned with bloodshot eyes and a goofy smile on his face. He waved to the crowd and gave the stoners a big thumbs-up.

After coming down from his stupor, Obama was unavailable for comment.

Former ‘Dexter’ Star Michael C. Hall Goes Incognito, Auditions On ‘American Idol’

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

As first round American Idol auditions made their final stop in San Francisco, the judges and fans had the wool pulled over their collective heads when former star of the hit television show ‘Dexter,’ Michael C. Hall, auditioned using an alias and didn’t reveal his identity until this morning.

Hall, the 43-year-old actor called into the ‘Bob & Tom’ syndicated radio show this morning for a brief interview and when asked what he had been up to, he announced the shocking revelation.

“Well, just last night I think I fooled the entire country,” Hall said. When asked to explain what he was referring to, Hall went on to describe, in detail, what had taken place during pre-recorded American Idol auditions, which actually occurred weeks ago. “Well, for those who watched American Idol last night, if they thought one of the contestants looked like me, guess what? It was me.” Hall explained with a snicker.

Bob Kevoian, of the comedic talk radio duo then asked Hall if he was serious. “Absolutely, I auditioned on American Idol with the intention of looking like a fool, and I must have fooled the nation because I have not heard anything about it. I began singing in the fifth grade in choir, and went on to perform in several musicals in high school back in North Carolina. I did stuff like Oklahoma, Fiddler on the Roof, and The Sound of Music. Basically I just wanted to be troll and be a goofball. And I achieved my goal. I sucked, and they told me so.” Hall said with laughter. “Thank God I have this whole ‘world famous television star’ thing to fall back on.”

hallidolfixes — Hall goes incognito – performs tunes on America Idol

Obama Mandates Muslim Sensitivity Training Starting In Elementary School

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Schools that want to keep their federal funding will now have to teach Muslim sensitivity, according to reports from the White House. The mandate, signed by President Obama on Thursday afternoon, calls for all students starting at the elementary level to take classes on the importance of being sensitive towards Muslims. Critics claim that this is another wasteful program, and another extreme example of Obama’s overreach.

“The time has come for Americans to be more sensitive to the Muslim religion,” President Obama said to reporters in a speech from the White House. ”With sensitivity training starting in elementary schools, we are guaranteeing a more sensitive generation. The Muslim religion is not like other religions, and the Muslim people are extremely sensitive whenever someone jokes, mocks, or even misunderstands their religion. We want all children to know that it’s okay to make fun of Jews and Catholics, because they know how to take a joke. Muslims can’t take a joke, as they don’t know joy or humor. So it’s important for us to change as Americans in order to make the Muslims happy.”

“Why should we change? Why don’t them damn Muslims take an improv class or something, and learn how to take a joke?” said Senator Ted Cruz after the announcement by Obama. ”We’re Americans, and this country is at its greatest when we’re being politically incorrect and taking jabs at people who are different. I remember even Bugs Bunny got to call Japanese people slants and gooks in the cartoons of my era. Damn, those were the good old days. When I’m President I promise to offend everybody, every day, the way it should be – the way it used to be!”

Singer Sam Smith Makes Shocking Confession: ‘I’m Really A Middle-Aged Black Man’

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

There has been an outpouring of fan support for singer-songwriter and Grammy nominee Sam Smith, after he confessed earlier this week to actually being a middle-aged black man. The admission came after months of speculation, founded mainly on the assessment of vocal experts who expressed scepticism that Smith was young and white.

“There are certain tonalities, which…well, if you’re not a middle-aged black man, are almost impossible,” said Mike Cohen, long-time writer for Rolling Stones magazine. “In all my years in the business, I have never heard a voice like his come from anywhere but the mouth of an African American, usually over the age of forty.”

Another source, speaking on condition of anonymity, admitted that his suspicions were already confirmed when he saw the crooner performing at a recent concert.

“Maybe a white guy could pull that off,” he said. “But it would be unnatural. You’d know by the contortions of his lips that that was not his natural voice. Sam’s voice, however, flows from his tongue like warm honey, as if it was born there. It left me no doubt that the man on stage was black.”

Many of his long-time followers have stated that they “already knew,” and were leaving it to him to decide when to expose his secret. They further said that they supported his choice – that “what he does with his skin color and age is his choice, and [they’ll] love him no matter what”.

A minority of fans, however, are expressing their anger and disappointment on YouTube videos of the admittedly aging star. They say that they feel betrayed, like everything he claimed to be was a lie. Some went so far as to decry his revelations as unnatural, and against the word of God.

“It’s pretty obvious that he’s not only a fraud, but a sick pervert,” said one angry youth. “What kind of a person leads people on like that, causing them to love him, and then breaking their hearts with this deviant lifestyle?”

Sam Smith used his Twitter account to express his gratitude to those who have supported him, and to affirm that, at the very least, he is actually gay – so there’s that to hang onto.

Joan Rivers’ Estate to Sue Negligent Doctors for ‘Outrageous Fashion Choices’ During Comedian’s Final Hours

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The doctors who were treating comedian Joan Rivers before her sudden death in September of last year, have faced another major blow. Melissa, the daughter of the 81-year-old Hollywood star, has filed another lawsuit – this time over claims of negligence in their fashion choices during the procedure that led to her mother’s death.

“It’s outrageous,” Melissa Rivers is quoted as saying. “They wore these hideous matching blue outfits that weren’t even tailored to their specific builds. The shirts were baggy – which is fine if you’re hiding a big belly, but the skinny ones should really have been wearing something tighter. Something that would flatter them.”

It is understood that one of the doctors took a selfie with the unconscious performer, adding fuel to the already raging fire. The leaked image showed the host of Fashion Police in an even uglier get-up – apparently chosen by the very same hospital staff.

“That bandage is really sloppily tied around her head,” said former co-host, Giuliana Rancic. “It’s asymmetrical, and not in a good way. And the color! Any idiot knows that a white bandage cannot go with her already washed-out complexion.”

Advocate Kevin Doleman, who is representing the interests of the deceased and her daugher, stated that he thinks they have a strong case.

“We’re gonna win this,” he confidently said to reporters at a press conference on Wednesday. “There’s enough evidence that negligence led to these choices, and not medical complications as staff at the hospital have claimed. Did you see the masks they were wearing? It was like some sort of freakshow.”

Doctor Lawrence Cohen, the taker of the now infamous selfie, could not be reached for comment, but a source close to him said that Cohen was “devastated” by the accusations.

“It’s not like him,” the anonymous source said. “He’s a big fan of Joan’s, and always worked hard to meet her high standards. A scandal like this – now no one’s going to take his fashion choices seriously.”