Vivid Entertainment Offers Ben Carson $250,000 To Star In Adult Video Series

Posted on October 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Vivid Entertainment, the adult film company responsible for pioneering celebrity sex tapes and porn parodies, has reportedly offered current presidential candidate Ben Carson $250,000 to star in a series of pornographic films.

Vivid, who have released tapes starring Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton among many others, is looking to capitalize on Carson’s current celebrity status as a mumbling Republican presidential candidate, who was previously known best as a surgeon who separated siamese twins. Carson has surged in the polls lately despite his seemingly inept concept of politics, something that Vivid has says will actually be incorporated into the storyline of the films.

Founder of Vivid, Steven Hirsch, says that if Carson agrees to star in the series, they will create three adult films that tell the story of his life. The first, to be titled Carson: The Teen Years would chronicle Carson’s sexual escapades as a mumbling teen prior to his career in medicine. The second film in the series, titled Carson: Mumble On My Dick would take place over the eight-year period of his medical school and immediately following. The final film, titled Carson: Sleeping The Election Away would feature Carson as he is today, boring and banal.

“All the films will feature known adult film stars, including Vivid favorites Hanna Hilton and Kayden Kross, as well as some of our other Vivid Girls,” Said Hirsch in a pitch sent to representatives for Carson. “The story of Ben Carson’s life is big news, and we want to not only tell his story, but we want to tell it with some really great T&A.”

Hirsch seemed to think that a venture into the adult industry could be exactly what Carson needs to “put a happier face” onto his campaign.

“This whole thing, it looks bad to everyone, anyone who follows politics. As any country looking in at us, it makes us look horrible for even considering him,” Said Hirsch. “We want to help the Ben, and to pay some respect to a guy who’s been through a lot. So, we’ve already got the writer working on the scripts. He started this morning, so he should be done by lunchtime. These are movies we are dying to make, and Carson would be a fool not to get in bed with us. Literally.”

Representatives for Ben Carson have said they are pushing for him to accept the offer, but so far he has not agreed to participate.

Time Warner Cable To Begin 10-Minute Window For Home Installations, Repairs

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

It’s a long running joke that you need to take a week long vacation from work if you want to be able to be home for the cable repairman to show up to install or fix your services. It’s not been uncommon for pretty well every service provider to denote 3-5 hour windows that their employee “may” arrive. Apparently, Time Warner Cable, the second largest provider in the United States, wants to change that.

“We’re going to be implementing a 10-minute window of time that our technician will be at your home, so you are not wasting your whole day waiting for us,” said TWC chairman Cameron Cast. “Now, we’ll be telling you almost to the minute when your service will be installed or repaired.”

Cast says that if they are not able to maintain the 10-minute window during busy or peak times, they will expand to 15-minute, 30-minute, 1-hour, and 3-5 hour windows.

“It all depends on how busy we are,” said Cast. “Being that we’re the second largest internet and cable provider in the country, it stands to reason that we will often be busy. If you are not able to get our 10-minute window, don’t worry. We’ll still get to you when we can.”

Cast says that the new implementation of service times will begin January 2nd, as Time Warner is on holiday break from Thanksgiving Day until New Year’s Day.

Upstart Company Designs Vaporizer For Use With Smoking Crack Cocaine

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

A new company based out of New York City claims they have invented a modified version of a vaporizer machine, used mostly by hipsters and often referred to as ‘vaping,’ for using in smoking crack cocaine. The machines, which currently use a liquid ‘juice’ that contain only some of the ingredients found in cigarettes, are often allowed where cigarettes are not, as they don’t contain the same types of harmful chemicals when exhaled.

“We invented a machine that would allow crack smokers to get their fix more openly, and with a more smooth feeling,” said CrackRockers CEO Joe Goldsmith. “We are all heavy vapers, and that honestly lead to some other drugs for us. I only ever smoked cigarettes. Then I got into e-cigs. Then vaping. And then eventually weed, and from there, it was all downhill.”

After an arrest in 2013 for smoking crack in a public place, Goldsmith says he “got his shit together,” and started CrackRockers.

“I took one of my old vaping machines, and I modified it heavily to be able to accept crack rocks,” said Goldsmith. “It took me over a year to get a machine that worked, but we ended up with was a vape that allowed crack smokers to enjoy all the highs that crack offers, but without tasting like you’re smoking plastic out of a homeless man’s unwashed asshole.”

Goldsmith says that he is currently working to patent the product, and that he hopes, with less-strict regulation on drugs in many states, to have the item available to the public within the next year.

Samsung Plans To Finally Purchase Rival Apple; Cost $180B

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

Samsung, the leading manufacturer for smartphones in the U.S., has reportedly placed a bid to purchase Apple, Inc., their main competitor in the tablet and cell phone market.

“It is true we’ve discussed buy-out options with Apple board members and some major shareholders,” said Boo-Keun Yoon, CEO of Samsung. “At this time, the talks are just that, and no actual considerations have been made.”

Samsung and Apple have had a tense relationship over the years, as each company has taken the other to court over numerous patent infringements. At the same time, Samsung had, until recently, been making many of the internal components for some of Apple’s biggest product lines, including hard drives for the Apple Macbooks, and screens and other internal hardware in iPads and iPods.

Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, says that a buy-out from their main competitor could be a major boost to the company.

“Financially speaking, we don’t need their money,” said Cook. “But from a design and innovation standpoint, any influx of ideas would be great for us. Since we stole the idea for the tablet and created the iPad all those years ago, we’ve yet to introduce anything of major substance. Our product lines are stagnant, and there hasn’t been a significant design change to our flagship product, the iPhone, for years. Samsung’s design team would be a big help in innovating our product lines.”

Samsung products, which run almost exclusively on the Android operating system, have recently surpassed sales of the Apple iPhone, making them the number-one smartphone manufacturer in the world.

“With our great lineup of tablets and phones, which can be purchased at a fraction of the cost of the iPhone, we have no idea why anyone would continue to choose Apple. Apparently, the market finally agrees with us,” said Yoon. “Yes, if you want a computer, the Apple lineup is the only way to go. But when it comes to phones and tablets, our products can do everything that the Apple products can – but faster, better, and with more customization and app options. If we are able to purchase Apple, and that’s a big if at this point, then we will use our knowledge of the marketplace, and explain to them what people really want out of their devices.”

The proposed buyout would cost Samsung a reported $180 billion dollars in cash and stock options.

Tumblr Announces Intentions To Delete Accounts Of Feminists, Feminist Supporters

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Tumblr, the world’s 4th most popular social media website, is a place where users can repost other people’s pictures and gif images over and over again, while never actually creating any original content. Designed initially as a new style of blog or journal, Tumblr has lately become a haven for the feminist movement, wherein “every single bitch out there thinks she matters.”

“It’s too true, and it’s too sad,” said Tumblr founder Tom Tumble. “I just wanted people to share some funny pictures and write journal entries. Kind of like Livejournal, except relevant. Instead, all I get are nasty, bitchy feminists making posts about how ‘every man is a rapist’ and using stupid, made-up, asshole words like ‘manspreading’ and ‘mansplaining.’ It’s disheartening.”

Tumble says that he has decided to delete accounts of “known feminists,” and also to warn those who use any hashtag related to the movement of feminism.

“I am not against women being empowered. Many of the people on staff at Tumblr are bright, intelligent women,” said Tumble. “Feminism is something that was needed when women couldn’t vote, or couldn’t marry another woman, or couldn’t marry a man because he was black. All those things, all those rights, are here now. Women should fight for what they want, but what these women on Tumblr want, apparently, is to just be flaming twats.”

Several major feminist users on Tumblr were reached out to for comment, but most of them said they were too busy shopping for thick-rimmed glasses or shaving one side of their head to talk. All of them also said that, as a man, I should stop raping them with my emails.

‘Ultra Absorbent’ Tampons Blamed For 43 Deaths In California

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

In a climate that is often very dry and barren, many women do not get enough fluids on a regular basis. This in itself can be hazardous enough, but when coupled with a new line of “ultra absorbent” tampons, the results have been deadly.

“Tampax released a new line of ‘super, ultra absorbent’ tampons earlier this year,” said Dr. Myles Kenifick. “Since that time, we have seen over 40 deaths of women who used them, as the tampons not only did their job in absorbing the monthly menses, but it also sucked out much of their body’s water as well.”

Dr. Kenefick says that most of the woman who died has used the tampons because of a “heavy flow,” but the tampons were so good at their job, they were actually absorbing water and nutrients from the body as well.

“We’ve come from an extremely dry year,” said Dr. Kenifick. “These women were already partially dehydrated, and not drinking enough water. With these tampons inserted, it was the last thing their body could handle.”

Dr. Kenefick is warning women who use any ultra absorbent tampons to stay extra hydrated. If that isn’t possible, he says that women should “stick to pads.”

Uber To Begin Offering ‘Rape Free’ Rides For Customers Who Pay Upcharge

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

After the recent conviction of a former Uber driver who kidnapped and raped a young woman, the “personal taxi” service has announced that they will now be offering a guaranteed “no rape” ride, offering passengers who opt to use their service to get to their destination without the “hassle” of being raped by the driver.

“We know that there are a lot of incidents out there of rape, kidnapping, and other nasty or sexual crimes,” said Uber spokesperson Jeff Glum. “We at Uber do not want any of our customers to get raped, because we know that rape is bad for business. So we have initiated an intense screening process to choose only those drivers who have less than a 1% chance of rape, and started our new “no rape” ride plans.”

According to Glum, the rape-less rides will cost a bit more, but that they will personally guarantee your safety.

“It will be a flat fee of an extra $30 per person, per ride, to enjoy our no-rape rides, but we feel that amount is a pittance to pay in comparison to your own, personal safety,” said Glum. “We want to stop the rapes before they become something more, like deaths. $30 to save your life? You’d be foolish not to take advantage of it.”

Glum says that Uber will begin the rape-free rides on November 1st. The app will be updated to indicate who is nearby that will not rape you.

Playboy Magazine Announces Caitlyn Jenner As November Centerfold

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

It already seemed like a major joke when, last week, Playboy magazine announced that it would no longer feature nude women, and instead would focus on the articles and interviews. The company, who removed nudity from their website in 2013, did say that they would keep the one piece of nudity that everyone loved: the centerfold.

Continuing with the idea of making their subscription numbers as low as possible, Playboy announced that November’s issue would feature Caitlyn Jenner, fully nude, as the centerfold.

“We are very excited to have Caitlyn join our long line of prestigious centerfolds,” said Playboy owner Hugh Hefner, 104. “And what a glorious time to have a she-man in the magazine. In 2015, we can have a black man as president, and we can have a chick with a dick in the Playboy centerfold. Readers-shmeaders. Everyone will want to buy this issue.”

Jenner could not be reached for comment, but her reps said that she is “extremely excited” to show the world her new, woman-ish body that still has a penis.

‘Clock Kid’ Becomes Biggest Selling Halloween Costume Of All Time

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

The ‘clock kid’ look has just become the most sought-after and biggest selling Halloween costume of all time, selling 29.7 million times on Amazon in the last 48 hours, according to reports.

“We can’t believe how many costumes we sold,” said costume designer Jim Meyer of Costume Company, Inc. “It’s staggering. I’m not sure how we will even make all the suitcase bombs…er, I mean ‘clocks,’ in time for the holiday.”

Clock Kid, which is based on a recent major headline involving a scam artist teen who built a hoax bomb and brought it to school, was originally slated to be banned by most online retailers, after a couple people started a petition, calling it “racist.” More proof that money talks, though, when it comes to major companies, the rapid sales changed the minds of Amazon, and others.

“Oh, we definitely want it to be available, no matter how racist it is, or isn’t, depending on how you look at it,” said Amazon spokesman Rett Tyler. “I mean, I’m not offended by it, so I couldn’t possibly care less. We’ve sold approximately a half a billion dollars worth of this costume in the last couple days. There are going to be a ton of Clock Kids coming to your door for candy this Halloween.”

According to HalloweenWatch.edu, ‘Clock Kid’ may hold the world record for biggest-selling costume of all time. It has reportedly already passed ghost, witch, and cowboy in children’s costumes, as well as sexy nurse, sexy maid, and sexy schoolgirl in the adult costume world.

“If this stays huge into next Halloween, we’ll also be releasing a ‘sexy clock kid’ version of the costume as well,” said Meyer. “This is a damn goldmine.”

There is no word from Clock Kid himself, Ahmed Mohammed, on how he feels about the costume, although more than likely, he and his family are just upset that they are entitled to any royalties.

Secret E-Mails Reveal ‘E-Z Pass’ Toll Payment System Tracks Your Travel

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A slew of emails between anonymous officials has revealed a shocking truth about E-Z Pass, the electronic toll payment system used by millions of Americans every day. According to the documents, the E-Z Pass system was secretly set up by the U.S. Government to help track and monitor individuals as they travel.

“The system has been in place for over 25 years, and it has helped us to watch over everyone,” said one of the e-mails. “We believe that a spread of E-Z Pass throughout the entire country would help to further our needs of collecting and storing data.”

“It’s crazy! I already have my aluminum hat on, I’ve taped over the mic and camera on my laptop, and I even cancelled my internet so the government didn’t know what kind of porn I was jerking it to…and now I can’t even drive anywhere?! It’s crazy!” said E-Z Pass user Mike Pooler. “The government is on to us! They’re on to us, and they’re coming for our women, our children, and especially our guns!”

Supposedly set up just to make traffic flow easier by tying a small box, read by a machine at every toll both, to your checking account or bank card, E-Z Pass users have said that, as of late, they have felt “less safe” using the device. It isn’t just the government that may be tracking your location, though. According to some users, E-Z Pass may also be selling your travel data to advertising companies.

“I used to drive everywhere, and just throw some quarters in a slot, and all was right with the world,” said Joe Goldsmith, a former E-Z Pass user. “When E-Z Pass came out, it was great – you barely even need to slow down. I noticed more recently, though, that whenever I travelled, I’d come home and I’d have emails about places I’d visited. Or I would get unsolicited mail about new hotels in areas I had just been. It scared the hell out of me. I threw my E-Z Pass away.”