Homeless Waitress Receives $1 Million Dollar Tip

Posted on March 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

Heartwarming scenes took place earlier today at a Denny’s in San Francisco, where a waitress was left a $1 million dollar tip by an anonymous philanthropist. The patron seemingly took note of Miss Debra Warding’s shabby appearance, realizing that she is homeless, and took matters into his own hands.

“We’re all very excited for Debra,” said branch manager, Tony Mascherano. “She deserves to have something good in her life because, let’s be honest, she’s a total mess. Maybe she can finally get her disgusting face sorted out and possibly wash her damn apron and shirt.”

Other coworkers were just as effusive with their sympathetic joy at their colleague’s luck.

“One million dollars,” gasped Monica Tripp continuously. “What a lucky bitch – oh, that’s my term of affection for her. Bitch. She can buy herself some friends now, at least!”

“The poor girl,” Sandra Dee moaned. “She has nothing – no family, no joy, no good looks or personality traits. If anyone needed this, it’s her. And the rest of us – we’re going to be rid of her putrid stench…which we’re all going to miss. Of course.”

Other customers at the fast food joint were no less touched, with many of them bursting into tears and rushing out of the restaurant, never to return. One, however, has taken inspiration from the formerly down-and-out woman.

“I’m becoming a waiter,” Dan Lewin said as he ripped holes in his clothing. “I’m moving out of my house and I’m going to live on the street for a bit. Debra has set a very humble example, and I’m going to follow it until I get as lucky as she did.”

What is perhaps even more moving is that a trainee waiter had something to do with Debra’s good fortune.

“I gave the guy the idea,” Stan Patel told us. “I even gave him the one million dollar bill that he left for her. I guess I reckoned someone would have figured out the joke by now, I mean hell, it was a million dollar bill. Do those even exist? Shit, watching this play out is far more rewarding than I could have imagined.”

Man Fakes His Own Death To Get Away From Nagging Wife

Posted on March 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In a story of resurrection and hope, Herbert Mancini, assumed dead for the past 10 years, has been found alive in New York. He claims to have faked his death in an attempt to escape the incessant nagging of his wife.

“We’re all so glad Herbert is alive,” said family spokesperson, patriarch Richard Mancini. “We knew he had it tough with Martha, but we never realized how bad it was. He put us through heartache and pain, and his two daughters both unsuccessfully attempted suicide after his ‘death’, but we appreciate why he had to do what he did.”

One of the two daughters, Sarah, made a statement from the hospital bed, where she lies, a vegetable.

“…..” she said. “… ….. ..”

Her sister, Roberta, translated her sentiments.

“She says she missed him. She’s very glad to finally have our father back, and wishes he had come back sooner. However, she wants to know why he didn’t just kill off mom, and save us all from her whininess.”

Martha Mancini, the unbearable nag that she is, told reporters that she had been waiting for his return, always having known he wasn’t really dead.

“I went on talking to him as if he was still there,” she explained. “I’d say, ‘Herbert, take the garbage out will ya.’ When he refused, I’d say, ‘Heeeerbeeeeeerrt, take the gaaaaahbage out, will ya.’ The garbage still hasn’t been taken out.”

Mancini himself has explained why he had to go to such great lengths.

“It was either kill her, kill myself, or pretend to be dead,” he told Empire News. “The first option was most appealing, but I don’t think I coulda got away with it. The second option was no good – I’da been dead. So I took the only one left open.”

He then went on to describe how it was to be back with his family.

“That first option’s seeming kinda good again. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, you know. I really fucked up in returning. But it was hard living incognito all those years. My next funeral is scheduled for next week. Meantime, I’ll be in the Bahamas.”

Delta Airlines Forcing Customers To Check Large, ‘Phablet’ Phones

Posted on March 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Delta Airlines has announced that from the beginning of April, large “phablet” smartphones will have to be checked in with luggage. This will mean that owners of iPhone 6+ and Samsung Galaxy Notes will have to forego the offline capabilities that their phones offer, which are especially useful on flights.

Delta CEO, Richard H Anderson, explained the reasons for the drastic measure.

“Smartphones are simply getting too big,” he told a press conference. “If we don’t start implementing restrictions now, it will soon be too late, and even more damage will be caused to the unrealistic expectations our passengers already have.”

Another reason, given by security expert John Penn, is that these phablets may have capabilities which could be a risk factor to other passengers.

“They’re perfect for terrorism,” Penn said. “They’re big, so therefore you can fit a lot of information on them. Maybe you could even hide a knife, or explosives, inside the device. Yup, big means more things,” he continued, in response to a challenge as to his previous assertion. “We all know that’s why desktop computers can have more data, and iPads can hold more than iPhones. That’s how it works, and nothing you say can change my opinion.”

Many frequent flyers of Delta Airlines have been left fuming at the company’s decision.

“They can’t do this to us!” said Paul Herrera. “I need my iPhone on a flight. How else am I going to watch YouTube clips of cute babies, and read blogs telling me how to be a better person. I’ll never be a better person!”

Some, however, are pleased about the new regulations.

“Ugh, I hate phablets on airplanes,” Todd Toddster told us. “People always walk through the aisles, carrying them on their backs, knocking into other passengers left right and center. And then they squeeze into a seat next to you, with that f***ing device poking you in the eye, and not allowing you to sleep. They’re worse than crying babies.”

Crying babies are reportedly the next item that, in the future, will need to be checked when flying.

Wendy’s Announces Merger With Burger King, Plans To Surpass McDonald’s As #1 Fast Food Joint

Posted on March 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CHARMING, North Dakota –

In business news, Wendy’s has announced an impending merger with Burger King, in a bid to surpass McDonald’s as the biggest fast food franchise in the world. The move could spell an end to McDonald’s global hold over the industry, finally providing equal competition to the major corporation.

“We’re very excited about the future,” said Wendy’s CEO Emil Brolick. “I can’t imagine what could possibly go wrong with a conglomeration which will have the grilled, fried, toasted options all available in one quick drive-thru. Things are looking up.”

Executives at McDonald’s, however, maintain that the two rival chains are bluffing, trying to force their hands in “some perverted attempt at bringing us down. They’ve worked hard over the decades to take over, and this is just the latest attempt. I can tell you, they’ve asked us to relinquish our presence in certain states and countries in order to stop this disastrous merger. We’re gonna call their bluff.”

Industry insiders fear that open warfare may ensue.

“Unless they come to some sort of deal, who knows what could happen,” said analyst, Tracy Kaufman. “The title of King won’t scare McDonald’s, though. Ronald is a tough guy but also diplomatic. He’ll try sanctions and boycotts before things get too heated in their respective kitchens.”

Brolick hit back at what he called “the doubters,” releasing a proposed schedule for the stages of the merger, projecting finalisation already by the end of 2015. “This is really happening. It’s time for King Wendy – or Wendy’s King, we haven’t worked out all the finer points yet – to reign. His majesty’s rule will benefit not only America but the entire world. We’ll be free from the dictatorship of that insane clown for once and for all.”

New Military Rules Mandate Only Accepting Recruits Born Without Hair

Posted on March 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

New US military rules mandate that only new recruits born without hair will be accepted into the defense force. This comes as an advancement on the long-running condition of all soldiers having their heads shaved on entry, which research has shown to be a positive measure of effectiveness. The move has raised concerns that recruitment rates will drop dramatically, with hundreds or even thousands of applicants being rejected.

“It’s going to tear our military to shreds,” said former General Robert Martins. “I know how important hairlessness is in fighting wars. Hell, only those without hair make it anyway in the army. But we still need the standard soldiers to fill the ranks, even if they’re not the most committed or efficient.”

Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, has moved swiftly to calm fears, announcing that proactive steps will be taken to ensure that military numbers are not affected by the latest rulings.

“There are still kinks to be fine-tuned,” he said in an address to congress. “We’ve found that one hairless soldier is as effective as five soldiers who come in with hair. As such, numbers are not an issue. Furthermore, other regulations, set to be implemented from March, will reinstate the draft for every individual born without hair. Upon birth, babies will have their status noted, and all those who meet the standards of hairlessness – which include certain babies who have one hair or less – will automatically drafted when they reach the age of eighteen.”

Immediately after Hagel’s address was televised, groups protesting the reinstatement of the draft made their voices heard, saying they wouldn’t back down until the new regulations were withdrawn completely.

“It’s going to create all kinds of problems,” said the new leader of People Against Hairless Drafting (PAHD) Jessica Stein. “Instead of worrying about their babies’ health, parents will be concerned only with how much hair they have. You’ll get corrupt doctors inserting hair implants into newborns’ heads. It’ll tear the nation in half, and it won’t be pretty – especially when newborns have hideous strands of someone else’s ass hair disfiguring their pretty little heads.”

Justin Bieber’s Birthday Would Go Unnoticed by You if Not for This Article

Posted on March 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MONTREAL, QUEBEC, Canada –

Justin Bieber’s 21st birthday fell on Sunday the 1st of March, and you would not have known it had you not read this article decrying the cult of celebrity. Why does anyone care about this mediocre singer’s celebrations? we ask, and by doing so have drawn your attention to something about which you neither knew nor cared.

The young troublemaker has been in the spotlight since the tender age of 16 – that’s five years already! – and we constantly question the reason for this, bringing further attention to events and people with no cosmic relevance. You clicked on this article out of interest in something you had not been interested in before, and now you have even more useless trivia to go with your anger at pop culture.

Why are there so many articles about Selena Gomez not being invited to Bieber’s birthday party? This question is especially good if we are aiming to give you gossip about this matter we claim to despise. This was an obvious snub to the star’s ex-girlfriend and is great for our SEO content.

Has the world gone too far in worshiping the likes of Bieber, Gomez, Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift? Are you thinking about those four artist now? Good. Because Miley Cyrus especially is one that you shouldn’t be thinking about. Her rumored affair with Nicki Minaj sets a bad example for children, who know about it because we decided to share it.

What about Taylor Swift? The epitome of sweet, harmless pop stars is apparently into S&M, which is bad for her image and that of young girls around the world, particularly because we bring it up in this chock-full article.

In short, the cult of celebrity is getting out of hand. In this 300+ word article we have spoken about four individuals whose lives should mean nothing to us, and have made you think about their sometimes despicable actions, which should mean nothing to you. Shame on our society for following this modern day religion. Think about it, and remember to check in for our future updates.

Barack Obama In Blue Suit May Actually Be White President in Gold Suit

Posted on March 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A fearsome debate has broken out on social media across the globe over whether Barack Obama is a black president dressed in blue, or a white president dressed in gold. Obama has long been considered the first black president of America, but is he really?

The controversy was sparked by a photo of the president at a gala event in California last weekend. Although more than fifty percent of viewers saw the African American leader in a blue suit, a significant minority insist that he is a white man in a gold suit. YouTube videos attempting to explain the phenomena have gone viral, but which reality is real?

“This is a fantastic example of how people’s brains do not interpret sensory input in a uniform way,” said physicist Michael Surewood. “There are many possible explanations for why different individuals see different colors, including the possibility of our minds assuming that the president was standing in shade, that shadows were falling across his outfit, and so on. But what is clear, is that the very identity of our country’s leader is in doubt.”

Republican MPs have come out strongly in support of the white and gold rendering of the president, some going so far as to say that the “first African American President line was a simple deception to draw in liberal votes.” Rand Paul, a possible contender for the 2016 presidential elections, is at the forefront of this view.

“You can’t tell me what I’m seeing is wrong,” he said to reporters. “I see a white president in a gold suit, and that’s that. Am I meant to believe that my eyes don’t work properly? I’ve been categorizing people by colors all my life. I think I would know when I see a white man.”

However, photographs have emerged of the prototype of Barack Obama, showing conclusively a black president in a blue suit. Debate may continue over why Obama looks white to some Americans, but what is sure is that he really is a black man.

Alabama Congressman: New Anti-Gay Law Will Maintain Proud History of Bigotry

Posted on March 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

Alabama congressman, John L. McLawton, has praised the passing of a landmark bill that will tolerate and even encourage discrimination against homosexuals in his state. This comes as a growing proportion of the state’s citizens are joining the fight to protect the traditional identity of the region. Previously, the only victory of the movement known as People Against Oppressive Tolerance (PAOT) had been the legalization of forced conversions of Muslims and Jews.

“This is a great victory in preserving our proud history of baseless bigotry,” said PAOT chairman, Hamish Connolly. “The southern states have always served the final bastion of the US identity, and these traditions are a major part of who we are as a people.”

The bill has come as a major blow to the growing LGBT rights movement in certain Alabama cities, which has up till now been fighting for the legitimization of gay marriage. Observers will expect the organization to change their stance, regressing to the archaic battle against institutionalized intolerance.

“The situation is pretty dire,” admitted marriage equality activist Pam Newman. “I thought we were making headway, but apparently the traditionalists are still in the majority. I know we’ve been reaching a little high – I mean, going against our state’s proud history is a big ask – but I never realized how much we were offending others.”

Despite developments, polls indicate that the majority of Alabamians oppose the bill, with many committing to fight against it – or at least sign a petition. Sociologists cite the natural human instinct “not to be like their parents” as the reason.

“Young people don’t wanna act like the old folk,” said Professor John F Jacobson. “We see it all the time. There’s those who won’t discriminate against blacks, some who won’t beat up Jews, and even a few who reject the idea of intolerance altogether. It’s throwing the baby out with the bathwater in my opinion.”

Reports are now emerging that PAOT’s next fight will be to legalize the disposal of wet infants.

Small, Gated Texas Community To End ‘Pizza Delivery Neutrality’

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Basil LeVermin

HOUSTON, Texas –

The neighborhood of Comcast Trails near Houston, Texas has announced the adoption of an unusual new revenue scheme. They are calling it the Express Pizza Service, and it has some residents at odds as to whether it is good for anyone who lives there.

Empire News spoke to local man Dan Howard, who explained how the small community plans to make money using dedicated gates and lanes for each local pizza eatery.

“Before we began this process, I could order a pizza from Papa Johns, Domino’s, Double Dave’s, or any other small pizza delivery place, and they would all get there around the same time, because they use the same roads, same entrance to the neighborhood, and the same traffic lights,” Howard explained. “This concept is commonly referred to as ‘pizza delivery neutrality.’ However, my neighborhood wanted to become a gated community, so we requested bids from all the local pizza restaurants, and have reached a deal with Papa John’s to allow their drivers exclusive access to a special, new, faster entrance to the neighborhood. Domino’s drivers will have to pass through a different gate, slowing them slightly, but still allowing faster pizza delivery speeds than Double Dave’s, or any of the other local places, who will have to park their car outside of the neighborhood and carry the pizza into Comcast Trails community on foot.”

“We are very thrilled to be able to use the express lane to deliver to Comcast Trails community,” said Papa John’s spokesman Arnold Jones. “The folks in Comcast Trails are some of the fattest people in the country, and they eat more pizza per-household than anywhere else in the United States. Being able to get to them faster means they’re more likely to order from us than any other local establishment.”

Double Dave’s and other mom-and-pop pizza restaurants say it’s “completely unfair” that they are forced to walk into Comcast Trails when others get to use the fast lane.

“We can’t afford to pay the kind of money that Domino’s or Papa John’s can pay, leaving us in the dust,” said Double Dave’s spokesman Charles DeMar. “Basically, when someone orders from us in Comcast Trails, we’re going to have to really haul ass to make it to their house. It’s about a quarter of a mile from the gate to the closest house, so we’re expecting to be hiring a lot of very fit, young athletes to be delivery drivers from here on out.”

At press time, UPS and Federal Express were also engaged in a bidding war over exclusive access to the newly-proposed Express Delivery gates.

Man Files Lawsuit After Planet Fitness Revokes His Membership For Getting ‘Too Fit’

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Jonathan Ragsdale, 32, of Louisville, Kentucky was greeted with a surprise last Monday morning when he walked in to his neighborhood Planet Fitness. He was told to hand in his membership card and was given an immediate refund. Why? Because management decided that Ragsdale simply had gotten “too fit” after losing over 100 pounds and building muscle mass comparable to a professional athlete, and by doing so he had become “visibly intimidating.” He then returned the favor by filing a lawsuit, claiming he maintained a “lunk-free attitude.”

Planet Fitness is a franchise fitness center which prides itself on maintaining an ‘intimidation-free and lunk-free atmosphere.’ The term ‘lunk’ is a word made up by Planet Fitness used to describe one who grunts, drops weights, and judges other members. In all of its fitness centers across the country, there is even a ‘lunk alarm’ that will go off if they believe a person is behaving in a lunky way.

Ragsdale’s lawyer, Jason “The Hammer” Volz says that his client in no way violated the organizations lunk-free code.

“Mr. Ragsdale showed up alone and worked out at this particular venue five times a week, in six months he lost over 100 pounds and now looks like The Rock. He always stayed quiet, never dropped weights, helped others when they needed help. Then last week he walks in and they immediately sound the Lunk Alarm, and revoked his membership, which embarrassed him, causing him to stop working out and to begin binge eating,” Volz told the Louisville Times. “Basically, they singled him out for looking too good, nowhere in their self-imposed terms of membership does it say you can be ousted and be considered a lunk based upon visual appearance only. It is ludicrous.”

In the last week since his membership was revoked, Ragsdale has reportedly gained back an astonishing 34 pounds. He is suing the company over the emotional distress of being referred to as a “lunk.”