Child Hospitalized for Malnutrition, Doctors Blame School Lunches

Posted on February 3, 2015 by thebluntman

TULSA, Oklahoma –

A young girl was hospitalized last week after complaints of feeling faint, followed by her passing out in her English class. The reason, according to doctors, was malnutrition brought on by the school’s shoddy lunch program.

According to the girl, whose family is keeping her name private, she was regularly buying school lunches. The sixth-grader at the Gonzo-Tulsa Elementary School, attested that her school lunches had basically been her only means of survival for several years, due to her parents’ expensive and destructive habits.

“Last year, the lunches were better. We had more to eat and it tasted better. Now everything looks like something from the dumpster behind the Sonic. The food doesn’t even taste like food anymore,” said the girl from her hospital bed. “I figured I would rather starve than eat some of the things they offered. Sometimes, even when I eat everything I get, I don’t feel like it’s good for me to be eating it. I wish mom and dad would get off drugs and stop hitting each other. Then maybe Mommy could make my lunch for me again.”

Why was the food so bad to cause this starving young girl to almost cease eating? The new health guidelines appointed by Michelle Obama that schools nationwide are supposed to bow down to.

Dr. Keith Ballard, Tulsa Public Schools Superintendent, gave his opinion. “In the wake of this young girl’s experience, I am going to personally look at the food that our schools are serving the children. If our schools are compromising food quality and endangering student lives simply to please the President’s wife, it may be time for our district to make a change.

Michelle Obama shared her thoughts about the incident. “While I am rather saddened by the incident with this young girl, I cannot change my health plans because of one isolated incident. What if all we gave our children is what they want to eat. All they ever want is junk food! That’s why every single child in this country, and only in this country, is morbidly obese. These guidelines are here to help, not hinder.”

According to school officials, the lunch that is served most days is steamed corn, boiled cabbage, yogurt, and milk. On rare occasions, a meat will be served. “That’s normally reserved for holidays, though. Like on the Friday before Easter, the kids get a steakum in place of the cabbage,” said lunch lady Anne Jones. “They all seem to enjoy meat.”

Members Of Westboro Baptist Church Say Oreo Cookies Promote Interracial Orgies

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Members of the outspoken, infamous, and highly controversial Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, are expected to travel to East Hanover, New Jersey next week to protest outside Nabisco headquarters, where they will condemn the production of Oreo cookies. They say the chocolate cookies with the white cream filling subliminally suggests to consumers to participate in interracial orgies and affairs.

John Dunston, 46, of Topeka and one of thirty-nine active members of the church, says that Nabisco is primarily targeting white females to subliminally take part in sexual activities with multiple African-American men.

“Just look at the cookie. It has a sweet, creamy, soft, white filling, with a hard brown cookie on the bottom and a hard brown cookie on top. This is obviously supporting and suggesting evil acts between a white female and two black males,” Dunston said. “We have had enough of this garbage, and we are going to make a stand to condemn this evil.”

Dunston went on to say all members of Westboro Baptist Church will be traveling to New Jersey sometime next week to participate in a “game changing protest,”

Opponents of the church say they believe interracial sexual activity is not a sin, such as 24-year-old Marquis Thompson. “I mean, you know, if a white girl wants to live out her fantasy with a couple strapping niggas, then so be it. It’s a free country ain’t it? They just mad because they all fat ugly white people, and they stupid as shit. Listen bruh, people gon’ do what people wanna do, this is the home of the free and streets of da free – black, white, yellow, don’t mean shit in the United States of America, believe that,” Thompson said.

Food Study Shows Papa John’s Pizza Crust, Boxes Have Identical Ingredients

Posted on January 28, 2015 by JP

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Papa John’s is known for its fast, cheap, and convenient pizza, and it’s obnoxious commercials that always prominently feature owner and founder John Schnatter. The company has been all over the media in recent years, facing controversy over poor wages and their stance on healthcare for employees.

Although the media scrutiny has worn off in the last several months, it looks as though it’s set to rise again. After a recent food study, performed by world-renowned doctors and scientists, it was discovered that Papa John’s pizza and take-out boxes are made from the same ingredients.

During a test on their sauces, cheese, and dough, scientists found that the company has been cutting corners by using recycled pizza boxes as a base for their product. The scientists were initially hired by Papa John’s, working with the company to help create a new pizza dough recipe.

Dr. Tom Matosaus claims that when bringing up the problem to CEO John Schnatter, he denied all claims. “He’s in some serious denial, I tell you. He went on and on about how their company had the best pizza crust in the entire nation, and if they didn’t, he wouldn’t be worth over half a billion dollars. He talked a lot about money, actually. Way more than he talked about pizza.”

“To be honest, it’s not going to hurt you to eat their pizza,” said scientist Dr. Moe Zarella. “Just because the founder is a little on the annoying side, and just because their pizza is made out of the same things as their carryout boxes, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a good slice once in awhile!”

Neither Schnatter nor any company representatives have yet to comment on the controversy, but they are urging customers to try their new pizza deal.

“Only 11.99 for a large specialty pizza, delivered right to your door!” said Schnatter. “Ignore the naysayers. You love our pizza. Just listen to your Papa. Mmmm, it’s delicious!”

Woman Dies After Overdosing On Gluten

Posted on January 27, 2015 by JP

AURORA, Colorado –

Beth Riens, 32, of Aurora, Colorado, died Sunday morning from what doctors are saying is the first case of a gluten overdose.

According to family and friends, Riens lived a very healthy life. She frequently ran, did yoga, and stayed to a specific diet. Friends of Reins tell Empire News that she recently began to eat gluten products again after almost a year of staying away from them.

“She was a very healthy person and I can’t believe she is gone. Beth had been gluten-free for about a year now, until we continued to rib her, because she didn’t have a gluten allergy or sensitivity,” said Riens’ best friend, Jennifer Robbins. “She just got hooked on stupid fad diets, and for some reason thought that ‘going gluten free’ would make her healthier. Turns out, in her case, it was better for her.”

“I’ve been eating gluten products all of my life and I feel completely normal, like most people,” said Reins’ sister-in-law, Carla Reins. “I wish I hadn’t been part of the group to tease her into eat foods with gluten again. I feel somewhat responsible for this, to be perfectly honest. Of course, I may have gotten her back on the stuff, but I didn’t hand her the loaf of whole grain bread that ended it for her, either.”

After examining the body, doctors confirmed that Reins was taking in way too much gluten. Since her body wasn’t used to the amount of intake, it slowly began to shut down, forcing her into cardiac arrest and shortly after, death. According to friends, Reins was eating entire boxes of pasta, cereals, and multiple loaves of bread in a day.

“Beth never did anything half-assed,” said Robbins. “She cut out gluten cold-turkey one day last year, and then last week just decided to get off that stupid wagon, and join us smart people again. Of course, she did it by buying out entire shelves of J.J. Nissen pastries and Wonderbread, but like I said – she never went in half-assed.”

McDonald’s To Remove Fries From Menu, Plans To Replace Them With Apple Slices

Posted on January 27, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

McDonald’s President and CEO, Don Thompson, announced earlier today that the fast food giant will be retiring their world-famous French fries from the menu, and replacing them with apple slices.

Thompson, in a statement released to the Associated Press, announced that in order to make meals healthier to millions of customers, that it is time to remove the tasty, yet greasy, fries – no how many customers may love them.

“We know that people love our fries, they are the best around by far. But our customers need to be healthier. It is time for us to stand up and make a change. Starting in the spring, nobody will be able to get fries from McDonald’s, so if you want them, you better come get them now,” Thompson said. “Thankfully, you are able to stock up and save them for later! McDonald’s fries get cold, but never lose any flavor.”

A medium order of fries from McDonald’s consists of approximately 350 calories, 19 grams of fat, and 45.4 grams of carbohydrates. To those who are conscious of their health, such as Mary Jarboe of Chicago, Illinois, the change is sad but one she says must be made.

“Americans are too fat. Every time I go to a McDonald’s to eat, I see obese customers with a huge pile of fries. That, added to a huge burger or two, it is just a heart attack waiting to happen,” Jarboe said. “Personally, I’m happy to see them go. I hear they’re being replaced with apple slices in all menu items – kind of like the option they give with the Happy Meals now. Whenever I go to McDonald’s, I always order a salad, anyway, so I say no big loss!”

Many customers are very unhappy with the decision, such as longtime loyal customer Gilbert Naismith of Huntsville, Alabama. “I think it’s absurd. Yeah I might be fat, and maybe I shouldn’t be eating the damn things, but God dammit, it is my choice as a tax payer and a free American to eat any greasy, shitty, heart attack causing food that I want! I have the right to freedom of eating whatever I want. It is in the constitution. By God, I want my damn Freedom Fries!” Naismith said.

Company representatives say the fries will be removed from the menu by the end of February.

Marijuana Infused Desserts To Be Made Legal For Sale Nationwide

Posted on January 21, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Peter Carlton, Chief of political negotiations for the National Board of Marijuana Legalities, announced this morning that marijuana-infused brownies and other pastries will be declared legal, once President Obama signs the bill into law.

Carlton, who made the highly anticipated announcement on Capitol Hill, says that congress made the right decision while ultimately making history.

“This is a huge step toward the overall legalization of marijuana. Once the bill is signed into law, it will bring the federal government one step closer to ending the unjustified prohibition of marijuana in the United States of America,” Carlton told the Associated Press. “All American citizens aged twenty-one and over will be able to walk into any liquor store in America, and purchase marijuana infused brownies, cakes, and cookies. I don’t know about you but I call this progress.”

The Obama Administration has made its pro-stance on marijuana well-known, and the President is expected to sign the bill based on statements he made last week at the National Convention of Innovative Nature Provisions and Resources.

“As our hard-working, blue-collar nation, consisting of the great, good-hearted people of America, moves forward one more huge step every day, we realize that many great opportunities lie before us. For instance, the use of taxable medical marijuana and the idea of the complete legalization of recreational marijuana for the use of Americans citizens, who are trusted with consistent and proper judgement. These are the kind of ideas that will cause our struggling but transcending economy to flourish,” President Obama stated during a speech at the annual convention held in Denver, Colorado.

While more and more members of the government are being persuaded daily that the eventual legalization of the schedule I drug is beneficial to all of America, some American citizens say legalizing the pot laced desserts it’s a disgrace such as Jim Pinkerton, a seventy-five year old resident of Huntsville, Alabama.

“I tell ya what it is, it is a disgrace the way our damn government is trying to turn our people into a country of interracial-loving dope heads. My daddy didn’t fight in World War I for a country of these damn liberal pot heads,” Pinkerton said.

The bill is expected to be signed by President Obama next month, and the desserts will be available within the weeks following.

Nicki Minaj Tells MTV Documentary Crew About Her Hardened Life of Crime

Posted on January 12, 2015 by Angela Baker

BRONX, New York –

In a new documentary, Nicki Minaj reveals just how far she had to go to live day-to-day before she made it to stardom. In MTV’s My Time Again, Minaj tells how she had to steal everything from bread to panties to survive.

“When I was a waitress at Red Lobster, I had to steal bread to eat from work,” said Minaj. “I’d stuff some biscuits into my apron, then I’d hide in a bathroom stall and stuff them into my face as fast as I could. They ended up firing me after a while. Not for the bread thing, though. Actually, that’s a pretty common thing for waitresses at most restaurants to do. They actually fired me because I was a rude bitch to customers. I lost about 15 jobs that way, no shit.”

Minaj, who now has her own line of branded clothing at K-Marts across the country, says the thinks it’s ‘super ironic’ that all these years later her face would be plastered throughout the stores.

“It’s funny how my life has turned around. I used to shoplift all my clothes from K-Mart, and now I have my own clothing line there. My face is all over the stores, but this time it’s on posters out front, not just on little Polaroids and blurry camera footage in the security office out back. I tell you, though, I had to swipe them. A girl goes through a hell of a lot of clothes trying to figure out the best way to look like you’re not wearing any clothes.”

Minaj, whose real name is Onika Tanya Maraj, says that although she may have had to resort to a life of crime growing up, she hopes that her fans don’t make the same mistakes.

“Of course I would never encourage any of my young fans to follow in my footsteps. On the other hand, my older fans can do whatever they want. But if you’re gonna shoplift, make sure you don’t get caught!”

Later, Minaj explains to the documentary crew about how she turned her life around before it was too late.

“I realized I didn’t want to be an alcoholic like my dad, wearing cheap lingerie or whatever. I needed to get serious about my career. That’s when I got on MySpace. Nothing says ‘serious about your career’ like a MySpace Music page. I guess it paid off, though. I got signed, I got off the streets. I didn’t have to sell my poon for money like a lot of friends I had growing up. Plus, I got to stop stuffing my face with stolen bread. Life just kind of fell into place after that.”

The documentary premiers on MTV January 18th at 10 PM, and is said to be an extremely intimate look into the superstar’s life.

Government To Reduce Food Stamp Allowance Of Overweight Recipients

Posted on December 29, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), which Americans commonly refer to as the ‘Food Stamp Program’, has voted to reduce the monthly allowance of obese welfare recipients, according to body weight according to SNAP spokesperson Winston C. Douglas in an announcement earlier today.

Douglas said that after a vote was brought to the SNAP board of directors, that the group voted unanimously in support of the proposed measure in an attempt to fight obesity in the United States.

“An alarming statistic was brought to the board which stated that over fifty-percent of SNAP benefit recipients are grossly overweight, many of which are clinically considered obese. This, of course is major cause for concern with how the program is operated” Douglas said.

All SNAP recipients, including all who live in the household, will be ordered to take a physical as part of the new plan. Depending on results, funding could be drastically reduced for those who are overweight. A measure many suggest is long overdue, including New Jersey governor Chris Christie.

“I have to work in order to overeat,” the hefty governor said when asked about the new measure. “It’s a problem when the government is giving people money to sit on their lazy butts and just eat all day. It is about time something is done about this plague of people abusing the accessibility of welfare benefits.”

There are also those who think it is highly inappropriate to require welfare recipients to take a physical in order to receive their monthly allowance, such as Shantae Johnson, 32, of Cleveland, Ohio.

“Who the hell they think they are? Just because we poor means we can’t be fat? I think it’s wrong, and we deserve to get what is owed to us no matter how we look! People pay taxes for us to have that money to get whatever food we damn well please,” Johnson said angrily. “This is an outrage and we not gonna put up with the harassment! I don’t see them harassing rich people who are fat!”

Woman Costs Grocery Store Chain Over Half A Million Dollars – You’ll Never Guess How

Posted on December 19, 2014 by mike the inkman

CINCO RANCH, Texas –

For years, retail stores have used coupons as a mostly successful means of attracting customers to their stores. Usually, additional purchases will offset any possible loss, and it works out for the best. This was simply not the case, however, for the Kroger stores that were recently shopped by Madeline Huffman, an extreme couponer from Cinco Ranch, Texas. Jack Destin, Kroger’s Regional Manager, estimates that Ms. Huffman has cost the store upwards of a half million dollars in the past year.

“Coupons are designed to lose money. That’s just how they work,” said Destin in a phone interview. “Normally the cost is offset. People come in, buy things using coupons, but they buy lots of other things, too, and no customer walks out actually costing us money. But Ms. Huffman is different. She was finding every coupon she could get her hands on, doubling them up, bringing in price matches, getting the maximum allotment of every item that she could. She was using the coupons in a way that allowed her to buy from our stores for less than our cost for those items. She then created a resale market both locally, and on the internet. She found a loophole in the system, and she used it to strangle our profits. People like her are a bane on the free market. Needless to say, we will drastically changing our coupon policy here at Kroger. And you all have Ms. Huffman to blame.”

Madeline Huffman isn’t concerned. “Kroger is just one fish in the pond. He didn’t have to be so rude though,” She said in response to Mr. Destin’s comments. “You see, I don’t feel bad at all. These big chains put these deals out there thinking that society is too fast paced or too stupid for someone to take advantage. This time they got burned. But it was them that started the fire. Kroger actually threatened a lawsuit against me. I laughed and told them to go ahead, so I could take some more of their money. You can’t stick your dinghy in a light socket and sue the electric company when you get electrocuted.” She chuckled. “Sounds like they won’t be putting it in the light socket anymore.”

Man Dies From Spontaneous Combustion After Eating Record 107 White Castle Hamburgers

Posted on November 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

In an extremely bizarre incident, a 35-year-old man from Radcliff, Kentucky has died from the medical phenomenon known as Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) while staying at a Holiday Inn in Columbus, Ohio, just hours after breaking the world record for most White Castle hamburgers eaten at a competitive eating competition, sponsored by the organization known as Major League Eating.

Raymond Carter Fitzgerald traveled to Columbus from Kentucky to compete in the 34th annual National White Castle Hamburger Eating Challenge, which took place yesterday afternoon at Ohio State University. Fitzgerald went on to break Joey Chestnuts record of 103 White Castles eaten in 8 minutes by consuming 107 burgers in just under 7 minutes. What happened just 4 hours later has puzzled and shocked medical experts, while proving ultimately tragic for friends and relatives of Fitzgerald.

Fitzgerald’s girlfriend, Molly Owenton, also of Radcliff, Kentucky, told police she returned to their hotel room at about 11:15 pm after making a trip to a local Walgreens to pick up a bottle of Pepto Bismol, stating that Fitzgerald had been complaining of excruciating abdominal pain and gas, when she terrifyingly discovered the deceased body of her beloved, which was still smoldering and smoking when she arrived.

Columbus Police Department spokesperson Edward Stanton told members of the Associated Press that it was a gruesome scene.

“Upon entering the hotel room of Mr. Fitzgerald and Ms. Owenton, police officers reported that the offensive smell was so overpowering that several officers retreated to their squad cars to retrieve their police-issued gas masks. The body of Mr. Fitzgerald continued to smolder for hours. His hands and feet were completely burned off, almost as if he had been electrocuted,” Stanton said. “After hours of investigating, our forensic expert declared that this was, indeed, a very rare case of what is known as Spontaneous Human Combustion. It was also decided that there was no apparent external source of ignition, and the body somehow ignited itself from within. At this time, and after interviewing Ms. Owenton, officials speculate that the build up of gas in the abdomen was most likely the culprit.”

When asked about the case, White Castle management expressed their condolences to the family and friends of Mr. Fitzgerald, and added that they would undoubtedly be sending out White Castle gift certificates to the family for the holidays.

Officials have stated that the case, and its investigation, are ongoing, as police correspond with scientific experts from Ohio State University. Foul play is not suspected.